# Bathroom issues \*\*VERY VERY FUNNY\*\* **URL:** \ **Category:** NYSpeed Off Topic\ **Created:** [December 15, 2005, 7:18pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/bathroom-issues-very-very-funny/5770 "2005-12-15T19:18:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![somedude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecd19e/32.png) [@somedude](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/somedude)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2005, 7:18pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/bathroom-issues-very-very-funny/5770/1 "2005-12-15T19:18:25Z")
i saw this on shorofum and i was laughing so hard i just had to post it here enjoy. > Saw this on Chitownracing and ChicagoSVT. ENJOY!! > All in all, it hadn’t been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning > computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething > cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over > forty-eight hours since I’d last taken a dump. I’d tried to jumpstart the > process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, > following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch > at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with > subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things > would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order > for my wife. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way backto the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, “Everything Must Go!” This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. > I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have > numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience: > 0.Occupied. > 1.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it’s next to the occupied one. > 2.Poo on seat. > 3.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat. > 4.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of > toilet. > Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and > sat down. I’m normally a fairly Shameful Sh1tter. I wasn’t happy about being > next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot. > I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds > of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone > conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of > Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Sh1tter was blathering to Mrs. Sh1tter about the sh1tty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn’t get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier. > Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer > cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand > against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded > with a fart of colossal magnitude – a cross between the sound of someone > ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. > The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not > unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency > of the stall, and it shook gently. > Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became > apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon’s > continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the > bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a > gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way underthe stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial “herald” fart had > ended his conversation in mid-sentence. > “Oh my God,” I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of > choking, and then, “No, baby, that wasn’t me (cough, gag), you could hear > that (gag)??” > Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear > that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and > blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in > me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, > in surveying the damage, I’d see that liquid poop had actually managed to > ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, > all I could do was hang on for the ride. > Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he > desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made > themselves heard over my anal symphony: “Gotta go… horrible… throw up… > in my mouth… not… make it… tell the kids… love them… oh God…” > followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching. > Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one’s phone and wipe one’s bum at > the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding > down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear > words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet. > There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I > could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal > announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily > into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a > fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him > running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. > After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. > I felt bad for the janitor who’d be forced to deal with this, but I knew > that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that > unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth. > As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. > Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom > with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know. > I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a > face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it’ll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public – and I doubt he’ll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the > bathroom. ---
**Author:** ![articzap](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/articzap/32/7361_2.png) [@articzap](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/articzap)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2005, 7:26pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/bathroom-issues-very-very-funny/5770/2 "2005-12-15T19:26:11Z")
ahahahahhahahaha ---
**Author:** ![HotRodKid](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/hotrodkid/32/7609_2.png) [@HotRodKid](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/HotRodKid)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2005, 7:26pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/bathroom-issues-very-very-funny/5770/3 "2005-12-15T19:26:14Z")
i was laughing out loud at that one 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Minglor](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/minglor/32/7373_2.png) [@Minglor](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Minglor)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2005, 7:31pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/bathroom-issues-very-very-funny/5770/4 "2005-12-15T19:31:16Z")
serious. that brought a tear to my eye from laughing ---
**Author:** ![slomaro79](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@slomaro79](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/slomaro79)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2005, 7:32pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/bathroom-issues-very-very-funny/5770/5 "2005-12-15T19:32:05Z")
sorry bab-elle-fish my eyes are hurting and this story started off with me wanting to take a shit ---
**Author:** ![MikeRi24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@MikeRi24](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/MikeRi24)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2005, 7:33pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/bathroom-issues-very-very-funny/5770/6 "2005-12-15T19:33:57Z")
:lol: ---
**Author:** ![MonteCarloChick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@MonteCarloChick](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/MonteCarloChick)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2005, 7:37pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/bathroom-issues-very-very-funny/5770/7 "2005-12-15T19:37:47Z")
I haven’t laughed that hard in forever! Awesome. ---
**Author:** ![taurusho](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/taurusho/32/7184_2.png) [@taurusho](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/taurusho)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2005, 7:41pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/bathroom-issues-very-very-funny/5770/8 "2005-12-15T19:41:28Z")
Hahaha. I dropped my 2 week old phone into the urinal a while back. It fell out of my pocket when I power turned ☹ Oh well. ---
**Author:** ![Bacon](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/bacon/32/7230_2.png) [@Bacon](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Bacon)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2005, 7:41pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/bathroom-issues-very-very-funny/5770/9 "2005-12-15T19:41:46Z")
Rofflecopterriffic. :tup: ---
**Author:** ![blk300tt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ab992/32.png) [@blk300tt](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/blk300tt)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2005, 7:47pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/bathroom-issues-very-very-funny/5770/10 "2005-12-15T19:47:08Z")
i was laughing so hard at that. good stuff ---
**Author:** ![MaximaSE98](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/maximase98/32/7600_2.png) [@MaximaSE98](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/MaximaSE98)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2005, 7:52pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/bathroom-issues-very-very-funny/5770/11 "2005-12-15T19:52:05Z")
that was pooptastic…i wouldnt have held it at all if someone was on the phone next to me ---
**Author:** ![Jskrapper](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/jskrapper/32/7570_2.png) [@Jskrapper](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Jskrapper)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2005, 7:55pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/bathroom-issues-very-very-funny/5770/12 "2005-12-15T19:55:04Z")
I wish I could write like that. That was hilarious. ---
**Author:** ![Adictd2b00st](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/adictd2b00st/32/7625_2.png) [@Adictd2b00st](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Adictd2b00st)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2005, 8:04pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/bathroom-issues-very-very-funny/5770/13 "2005-12-15T20:04:00Z")
> [@taurusho](#): > > Hahaha. I dropped my 2 week old phone into the urinal a while back. It fell out of my pocket when I power turned ☹ Oh well. now the real question would be, did u reach in and get it? :lol: ---
**Author:** ![JCuz](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/jcuz/32/7338_2.png) [@JCuz](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/JCuz)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2005, 8:05pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/bathroom-issues-very-very-funny/5770/14 "2005-12-15T20:05:45Z")
I definitely did something similar but not nearly as bad at UB where I really had to shit and I tried to slowly squeeze out the shit farts but it just made the fart longer and more musical. I had a “poop-mate” he just giggled and so did I, then we went on our separate ways. P.s. That story really made me laugh to the point my sides hurt :lolham: ---
**Author:** ![BLKGSR](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/blkgsr/32/7576_2.png) [@BLKGSR](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/BLKGSR)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2005, 8:12pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/bathroom-issues-very-very-funny/5770/15 "2005-12-15T20:12:22Z")
HAHAHAHAHAAHAHHA :lol: ---
**Author:** ![Fry](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/fry/32/7284_2.png) [@Fry](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Fry)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2005, 9:09pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/bathroom-issues-very-very-funny/5770/16 "2005-12-15T21:09:40Z")
Anyone else copy/paste/email to spread the laughter? ---
**Author:** ![MonteCarloChick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@MonteCarloChick](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/MonteCarloChick)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2005, 9:15pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/bathroom-issues-very-very-funny/5770/17 "2005-12-15T21:15:30Z")
> [@BikerFry](#): > > Anyone else copy/paste/email to spread the laughter? I posted it on another forum and sent out an email… :lolsign: ---
**Author:** ![neurokinetik](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/neurokinetik/32/7270_2.png) [@neurokinetik](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/neurokinetik)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2005, 10:44pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/bathroom-issues-very-very-funny/5770/18 "2005-12-15T22:44:13Z")
Holy fucking shit that’s great… :roflmao: ---
**Author:** ![Fetter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c2a13f/32.png) [@Fetter](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Fetter)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2005, 10:50pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/bathroom-issues-very-very-funny/5770/19 "2005-12-15T22:50:10Z")
:lol: That was the best ever!! :lol: ---
**Author:** ![1sik\_bmw](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/1sik_bmw/32/7341_2.png) [@1sik\_bmw](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/1sik_bmw)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2005, 1:18am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/bathroom-issues-very-very-funny/5770/20 "2005-12-16T01:18:56Z")
BBWAWAWAWAWAWAWa dear god i was laughin so hard i was crying… [Next page](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/bathroom-issues-very-very-funny/5770.md?page=2)