# How to poop at work LOL **URL:** \ **Category:** Shift518 Off Topic\ **Created:** [March 26, 2009, 8:03am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/how-to-poop-at-work-lol/243090 "2009-03-26T08:03:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Tricia](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/tricia/32/6426_2.png) [@Tricia](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Tricia)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2009, 8:03am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/how-to-poop-at-work-lol/243090/1 "2009-03-26T08:03:57Z")
[CENTER] **_HOW TO POOP AT WORK_** [/CENTER] We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it…We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the \* WORK POOP\* is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. _CROP DUSTING_ When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled… Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. _FLY BY_ The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a _FREQUENT FLYER_. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. _ESCAPEE_ A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. _JAILBREAK_ When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. _COURTESY FLUSH_ The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the \* WALK OF SHAME\*. - WALK OF SHAME\* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bath room… This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the _COURTESY FLUSH_. _OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER_ A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the _Out Of The Closet Pooper_ before entering the bathroom. - SAFE HAVENS\* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. \*TURD BURGLAR \* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open… This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the _Turd Burglar_ leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. _CAMO-COUGH_ A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a \*WATERMELON \*, or to alert potential \*TURD BURGLAR \*. Very effective when used in conjunction with a \* SHIRLEY TEMPLE \* \*SHIRLEY TEMPLE \* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential _TURD BURGLAR’S_that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a _SHIRLEY TEMPLE_, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. \*WATERMELON \* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See _CAMO-COUGH_. SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF: _The King Poop_ = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn’t come until you’re all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard. - Bali Belly Poop\* = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs. _Cement Block_ = You wish you’d gotten a spinal block before you poop. _Cork Poop_ = Even after the third flush, it’s still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else’s house. _The Bungee Poop_ = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water. _The Crippler_ = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down. _The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang_ = The kind of poop that hits you when you’re trapped in your car in a traffic jam. _The Party Pooper_ = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise… NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE QUIT LAUGHING… POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS 🤣rofl ---
**Author:** ![n\_cole](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/n_cole/32/6382_2.png) [@n\_cole](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/n_cole)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2009, 8:06am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/how-to-poop-at-work-lol/243090/2 "2009-03-26T08:06:47Z")
Paid poop! ---
**Author:** ![NedZ32](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/nedz32/32/6393_2.png) [@NedZ32](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/NedZ32)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2009, 8:14am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/how-to-poop-at-work-lol/243090/3 "2009-03-26T08:14:30Z")
:rofl ---
**Author:** ![Ilya](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/ilya/32/6404_2.png) [@Ilya](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Ilya)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2009, 8:30am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/how-to-poop-at-work-lol/243090/4 "2009-03-26T08:30:10Z")
Lmao. I’m mailing this to my entire team. Some of the people in here are chronic tooters. ---
**Author:** ![HANSTECH](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/hanstech/32/6445_2.png) [@HANSTECH](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/HANSTECH)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2009, 8:49am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/how-to-poop-at-work-lol/243090/5 "2009-03-26T08:49:42Z")
i love that guide. it cracks me up everytime. ---
**Author:** ![Alpine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/4da419/32.png) [@Alpine](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Alpine)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2009, 8:52am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/how-to-poop-at-work-lol/243090/6 "2009-03-26T08:52:33Z")
hahah ---
**Author:** ![votblindub](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/votblindub/32/6280_2.png) [@votblindub](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/votblindub)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2009, 10:43am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/how-to-poop-at-work-lol/243090/7 "2009-03-26T10:43:37Z")
> [@On another topic](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/16185/12): > > i love that guide. it cracks me up everytime. same here. i get that in an email or something about once or twice a year, but it makes me laugh every time ---
**Author:** ![94Gt5.0](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/94gt5.0/32/6377_2.png) [@94Gt5.0](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/94Gt5.0)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2009, 10:47am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/how-to-poop-at-work-lol/243090/8 "2009-03-26T10:47:47Z")
LMFAO!! Priceless ---
**Author:** ![eeshnips](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/eeshnips/32/6395_2.png) [@eeshnips](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/eeshnips)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2009, 11:07am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/how-to-poop-at-work-lol/243090/9 "2009-03-26T11:07:30Z")
🙂 … ---
**Author:** ![HANSTECH](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/hanstech/32/6445_2.png) [@HANSTECH](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/HANSTECH)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2009, 1:09pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/how-to-poop-at-work-lol/243090/10 "2009-03-26T13:09:54Z")
> [@H22 Vs. B18C5](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/h22-vs-b18c5/16133/59): > > same here. i get that in an email or something about once or twice a year, but it makes me laugh every time ya i dont think it will ever get old. ---
**Author:** ![kramerbuccs24](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/kramerbuccs24/32/6397_2.png) [@kramerbuccs24](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/kramerbuccs24)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2009, 1:14pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/how-to-poop-at-work-lol/243090/11 "2009-03-26T13:14:53Z")
awesome! :rofl :rofl ---
**Author:** ![DUKE\_LADUKE](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/duke_laduke/32/6317_2.png) [@DUKE\_LADUKE](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/DUKE_LADUKE)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2009, 1:35pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/how-to-poop-at-work-lol/243090/12 "2009-03-26T13:35:37Z")
Lmao!!!