# New Rules For Life **URL:** \ **Category:** NYSpeed Off Topic\ **Created:** [November 22, 2005, 8:31am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/new-rules-for-life/4876 "2005-11-22T08:31:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![JayS](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/jays/32/15375_2.png) [@JayS](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/JayS)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2005, 8:31am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/new-rules-for-life/4876/1 "2005-11-22T08:31:38Z")
1. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for [Classmates.com](http://Classmates.com)! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. 2. New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily , it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive. 3. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards. 4. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re gay. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men. 5. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done. 6. New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water. 7. New Rule: Stop f\*\*\*ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. 8. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the assshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge assshole. 9. New Rule: I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don’t have time for that. I’ve just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine! 10. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high. 11. New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called " The Howard Stern Show." 12. New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&M. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two. 13. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting. 14. New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. 15. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t care in the first place. 16. New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie. ---
**Author:** ![HotRodKid](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/hotrodkid/32/7609_2.png) [@HotRodKid](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/HotRodKid)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2005, 8:38am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/new-rules-for-life/4876/2 "2005-11-22T08:38:32Z")
> 1. New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom > attendants. … I can’t even tell if he’s > supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. i have wondered this many times myself … many many times … while incredibly intoxicated that kind of intoxicated where i would park my S-10 on the top level of the ramp so that i could hide i n the bed inder the cover for a while to sober up before attempting to drive home its not a pretty thought when your THAT drunk ---
**Author:** ![intense98rt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/77aa72/32.png) [@intense98rt](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/intense98rt)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2005, 8:44am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/new-rules-for-life/4876/3 "2005-11-22T08:44:30Z")
then they want a tip… wtf, i’m not giving you a dollar cuz you handed me a paper towel, i’ll rip off my own peice and use my dollar for another drink ---
**Author:** ![RedDawg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dfb087/32.png) [@RedDawg](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/RedDawg)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2005, 8:44am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/new-rules-for-life/4876/4 "2005-11-22T08:44:50Z")
> [@JayS](#): > > 1. New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom > attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint > like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s > supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want > to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. I always wondered that too, you guys ever see the bathroom attendant at “Quote” downtown? WTF is up with that guy, that’s the only place ive ever seen an attendant in a bar. Anyone know if he’s actually employed there or if he just likes to hang out in the bathroom? ---
**Author:** ![HotRodKid](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/hotrodkid/32/7609_2.png) [@HotRodKid](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/HotRodKid)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2005, 8:58am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/new-rules-for-life/4876/5 "2005-11-22T08:58:35Z")
> [@RedDawg](#): > > I always wondered that too, you guys ever see the bathroom attendant at “Quote” downtown? WTF is up with that guy, that’s the only place ive ever seen an attendant in a bar. Anyone know if he’s actually employed there or if he just likes to hang out in the bathroom? level amd mcmonkeeys always had one of those guys too, dont remember if it was the same guy switching between bars tho sphere sometimes had a dude too ---
**Author:** ![AlbinoMonkeyRat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bb73d2/32.png) [@AlbinoMonkeyRat](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/AlbinoMonkeyRat)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2005, 9:20am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/new-rules-for-life/4876/6 "2005-11-22T09:20:24Z")
there used to be one at Sundowner. I haven’t been there in a couple years though…since I can drink legally here. At least they don’t have to clean the bathroom itself. lol ---
**Author:** ![RedDawg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dfb087/32.png) [@RedDawg](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/RedDawg)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2005, 9:29am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/new-rules-for-life/4876/7 "2005-11-22T09:29:42Z")
oh yeah, wasn’t there a midget woman in the mens room at level? sat on a stool with mints and things lol ---
**Author:** ![RobHimself](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e480ec/32.png) [@RobHimself](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/RobHimself)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2005, 10:06am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/new-rules-for-life/4876/8 "2005-11-22T10:06:45Z")
my bro went to some titty bar that the bathroom attendant had coffee grounds that were tied up in a coffee filter and he would rub it on you to cover up the titty bar smell. Seemed like a good plan. ---
**Author:** ![HotRodKid](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/hotrodkid/32/7609_2.png) [@HotRodKid](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/HotRodKid)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2005, 10:10am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/new-rules-for-life/4876/9 "2005-11-22T10:10:25Z")
> [@RedDawg](#): > > oh yeah, wasn’t there a midget woman in the mens room at level? sat on a stool with mints and things lol omg i saw her once … THAT was weird … i felt like a porno was about to happen ---
**Author:** ![93dx\_hatch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/9/90ced4/32.png) [@93dx\_hatch](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/93dx_hatch)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2005, 11:41am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/new-rules-for-life/4876/10 "2005-11-22T11:41:00Z")
lol :rolf: those are good ---
**Author:** ![Diesel](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/diesel/32/7313_2.png) [@Diesel](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Diesel)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2005, 1:23pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/new-rules-for-life/4876/11 "2005-11-22T13:23:32Z")
That midget woman scares the shit out of me. I just hold it until I get on the dance floor. ---
**Author:** ![SpenceSpeed](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/spencespeed/32/7355_2.png) [@SpenceSpeed](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/SpenceSpeed)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2005, 1:27pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/new-rules-for-life/4876/12 "2005-11-22T13:27:27Z")
1. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the assshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge assshole. This one is so true…seen it.