# Official Joke Thread
**URL:** https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029
**Category:** SON240sx Off Topic
**Created:** [May 24, 2004, 5:51pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029 "2004-05-24T17:51:11Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 4
### Author:  [@Original\_Nutta](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Original_Nutta)
#### Post date: [November 7, 2005, 11:48pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029/61 "2005-11-07T23:48:57Z")
> A man walks into a bar… Ouch!
>
> Q: What kind of bees make milk?
> A: Boobies
>
> A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
>
> **Q: What did the Mexican say when 4 houses collapsed on him?
> A: Get off me homes!!!**
>
> Q: What’s Mary short for?
> A: She’s got no legs.
>
> Q: What do you call a Mexican Baptism?
> A: A beandip.
>
> **Q: Why cant Stevie Wonder or Ray Charles read???
> A: Cause they’re black.**
>
> Q: What’s the difference between pink and purple?
> A: Your grip.
>
> Q: What’s black and sits at the top of a staircase?
> A: Christopher Reeves in a housefire.
>
> **Q: How can you tell if youre at a gay BBQ??
> A: The hotdogs taste like shit.**
>
> Q: Whats long, black, and smells like shit?
> A: The unemployment line!
>
> Q: Why don’t Mexicans have BBQs?
> A: The beans keep falling through the grill.
>
> Q: Why do women have legs?
> A: So they don’t leave snail trails.[/size]
>
> Why can’t you fool an aborted fetus?
> Because it wasn’t born yesterday.
>
> What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
> Nothing…you already told her twice.
>
> What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
> A pilot; what are you, some kind of racist?
>
> Q: What do you call a woman with one black eye?
> A: A fast learner…[/size]
>
> Q: Why did so many black people die in the Vietnam war?
> A: Because when the the soldiers said to get down, they started dancing.[/size]
>
> Q: Whats the difference between a black man and Batman?
> A: Batman can go a night without Robin.
>
> Q: Why was the little black boy afraid when he had diarrhea?
> A: He thought he was melting.
>
> Two Saudi men come to American with their families. After they’ve moved in, they make a bet to see who’s family could become more “American” in one year and part ways.
>
> One year later, they meet again.
> First Saudi man: “I’m a manager at McDonalds, my wife drives a Chevy and works at a Wal-Mart, we own shares in several American corporations including Coca-Cola, Microsoft, and Nike, my daughter is attending a large state school, and my son is the captain of the football team.”
> Second Saudi man: “Fuck you, towelhead!”
> Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other?
> A: We gotta get some support around here or people are going to think we’re nuts.
>
> Q: Did you hear about that new underwater movie they are filming in New Orleans??
> A: They’re calling it Finding Negro
>
> If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
>
> Q: What did the black kid get for his birthday?
> A: Your bike.
>
> Q: Why do they put cotton in aspirin bottles?
> A: To remind black people they picked cotton before they sold drugs.
>
> Q: A mexican and a black guy are in a car. Whos driving?
> A: The cop.
>
> Q: Did you hear they’re making a prequel to The Sixth Sense??
> A: It’s called The Fifth Sense and it’s about a kid that smells dead people.
---
### Author:  [@Gonad](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Gonad)
#### Post date: [November 24, 2005, 10:14am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029/62 "2005-11-24T10:14:50Z")
A gas station in Alabama was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”
A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”
Bubba replied, “No it ain’t, Billy Ray. It ain’t rigged ----- my wife won twice last week!”
---
### Author:  [@Hector](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Hector)
#### Post date: [January 30, 2006, 1:19pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029/63 "2006-01-30T13:19:44Z")
so a grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a drink , get his drink, and him and the bartener make small tlk , so the bartender says to the grasshopper , hey we got a drink named after you
so the grasshopper says
really? u guys got a drink named george?
---
### Author:  [@Gonad](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Gonad)
#### Post date: [February 1, 2006, 10:05am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029/64 "2006-02-01T10:05:40Z")
TOP FOUR ADULT JOKES OF 2005
Number 4
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes
into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and
says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll
forgive me.” She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in
room 221.”
Number 3
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
wife’s arm. The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” The husband,
rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his
wife again. “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
Number 2
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his
wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong,
Bill?” she asked. “Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous
urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?” “Oh, Bill, you didn’t!” she
exclaimed. “Yes, I did.” he replied. “My God, Bill, what happened?” “I got
fired.” “No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?” “Oh…she
got fired too.”
Number 1
A couple had been married fo! r 50 yea rs. They were sitting at the breakfast
table one morning when the wife says, “Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting here at this breakfast table together.” “I know,” the old man said.
We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." “Well,”
Granny snickered. “Let’s relive some old times.” Where upon, the two
stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. “You know, honey,” the
little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today
as they were fifty years ago.” I wouldn’t be surprised," replied Gramps.
One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
---
### Author:  [@MrSkinny](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/MrSkinny)
#### Post date: [February 6, 2006, 11:35am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029/65 "2006-02-06T11:35:43Z")
SO GEORGE WANTS WAR?
President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.
“Hallo, President Bush” a heavily accented voice said. This is Archie up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger’s Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin’ to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you, eh!"
”Well Archie," George replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
“Right now,” said Archie, after a moment’s calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbour Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!
George paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have ONE MILLION men in my army waiting to move on my command.
“Holy jeez,” said Archie. “I’ll have ta call ya back!”
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Bush, war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”
"And what equipment would that be Archie?” George asked.
“Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, 3 fishing boats, 2 harpoon boats, a trawler with radar and Harry’s farm tractor.”
President Bush sighed. “I must tell you Archie, that I have 6,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I’ve increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.”
“Lard T’underin’ Jaysus, bye”, said Archie,”I’ll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. “President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an’ modified Harrigan’s ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!”
George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. “I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”
“Jeysus, Mary and Joseph,” said Archie, “I’ll have ta call youse back.”
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war.”
“I’m sorry to hear that” said George. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
“Well, sir,” said Archie, “we’ve all sat ourselves down, at da Legion and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”
---
### Author:  [@Original\_Nutta](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Original_Nutta)
#### Post date: [February 6, 2006, 11:50am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029/66 "2006-02-06T11:50:24Z")
🤣 crazy newfies
---
### Author:  [@Ed1](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Ed1)
#### Post date: [February 6, 2006, 12:10pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029/67 "2006-02-06T12:10:30Z")
Breast Biting
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?
“Are you nuts? !!” she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” he asks again.
“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. “Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for $10,000 dollars?”
She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.”
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?”
“Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much…”
---
### Author:  [@Fobwall](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Fobwall)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2006, 8:04pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029/68 "2006-11-22T20:04:23Z")
This thread is a joke.
---
### Author:  [@Gonad](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Gonad)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2006, 8:05pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029/69 "2006-11-22T20:05:59Z")
Knock Knock
Who’s There?
birdhou53
:worf:
---
### Author:  [@Theo23](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Theo23)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2006, 9:02pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029/70 "2006-11-22T21:02:00Z")
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
---
### Author:  [@Solarian](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Solarian)
#### Post date: [November 23, 2006, 5:21pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029/71 "2006-11-23T17:21:04Z")
[http://img157.imageshack.us/img157/8407/1164327154697cp0.jpg](http://img157.imageshack.us/img157/8407/1164327154697cp0.jpg) \<-- someone re-host this somewhere before it’s taken down. Everyone needs to start using this wallpaper.
---
### Author:  [@SpHiNxXx](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/SpHiNxXx)
#### Post date: [August 1, 2007, 2:49pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029/72 "2007-08-01T14:49:50Z")
Q.) Why are E.T’s eyes so big??
A.) Yours would be too, if you had his phone bill!!
Ta-Da Ching!
---
### Author:  [@Hector](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Hector)
#### Post date: [August 1, 2007, 4:08pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029/73 "2007-08-01T16:08:24Z")
how come midgets laugh when they run ?
cuz the grass tickles their balls
---
### Author:  [@system](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/system)
#### Post date: [August 1, 2007, 8:18pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029/74 "2007-08-01T20:18:19Z")
> [@Song request](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/song-request/13496/13):
>
> how come midgets laugh when they run ?
>
> cuz the grass tickles their balls
lmffaaaaaaao
---
### Author:  [@APA0ll0](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/APA0ll0)
#### Post date: [November 16, 2007, 10:18am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029/75 "2007-11-16T10:18:36Z")
What is the difference between Love and Herpes?
Herpes last forever.
---
### Author:  [@Solarian](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Solarian)
#### Post date: [November 19, 2007, 11:52am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029/76 "2007-11-19T11:52:53Z")
little johnny walks into his parents bedroom, and sees his mom bent over the dresser, and his dad giving it to her from behind
his dad turns around, motions johnny to be quiet, smiles, and points to him to leave the room
a week later, johnny’s dad walks into johnny’s room, and finds grandma bent over the dresser, and little johnny giving it to her from behind
his dad freaks out and says “oh my god! johnny! what are you doing??”
johnny says: “not so funny when it’s your mom, is it?”
---
### Author:  [@APA0ll0](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/APA0ll0)
#### Post date: [November 19, 2007, 12:04pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029/77 "2007-11-19T12:04:25Z")
^^^
LOL
---
### Author:  [@Cal](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Cal)
#### Post date: [November 19, 2007, 12:13pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029/78 "2007-11-19T12:13:59Z")
HAHA. ^ I was not expecting that last part.!
Gold
---
### Author:  [@Solarian](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Solarian)
#### Post date: [November 27, 2007, 10:57am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029/79 "2007-11-27T10:57:32Z")
[http://spikedhumor.com/articles/133371/Wanted.html](http://spikedhumor.com/articles/133371/Wanted.html)
---
### Author:  [@Solarian](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Solarian)
#### Post date: [November 28, 2007, 9:42am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029/80 "2007-11-28T09:42:25Z")
[http://spikedhumor.com/articles/50471/Crazy\_Chinese\_Board\_Game.html](http://spikedhumor.com/articles/50471/Crazy_Chinese_Board_Game.html)
[Previous page](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029.md?page=3)
[Next page](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-joke-thread/81029.md?page=5)