# Quoth the Maven, "Leave the store"

**URL:** <https://forums.speedlife.net/t/quoth-the-maven-leave-the-store/19501>\
**Category:** NYSpeed Off Topic\
**Created:** [October 31, 2006, 10:30am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/quoth-the-maven-leave-the-store/19501 "2006-10-31T10:30:37Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 3\
**Page:** 1

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**Author:** ![Ovrwrkd](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/ovrwrkd/32/7586_2.png) [@Ovrwrkd](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Ovrwrkd)\
**Post date:** [October 31, 2006, 10:30am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/quoth-the-maven-leave-the-store/19501/1 "2006-10-31T10:30:37Z")

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A nice little turn on Poe’s _The Raven_. Any true nerd should get a kick out of this… and I’ve worked with someone like this first hand, how true this is.

> Once upon a midnight madness sale I sauntered, steeped in sadness,  
> Through the shiny piles and aisles composing my computer store.  
> Suddenly there came a rapping. “Skeet skeet skeet.” Had I been napping?  
> Energy, it had been sapping from my soul for weeks or more.  
> Yea, those loathsome customers had chilled my being for weeks or more.  
> Back-to-school had drained my core.
> 
> Soon the winds would bring the winter - time to sell each mouse, each printer.  
> “Profit!” said I, “Thing of evil? Nah,” applying Avacor.  
> For while came the rare exception, money flowed from deep deception.  
> Ignorance would find reception warm throughout each corridor.  
> From these fools I’d find the dollars flow down every corridor.  
> Idiots I did adore.
> 
> There I saw him, by the mobos, dressing like those unkempt hobos -  
> Greasy hair atop the fat and pimples that adorned each pore.  
> Mannerisms quite absurd, he stood there mumbling, looking nerdy,  
> Yet I could not find the word he brought to mind inside the store.  
> In that squalid rust of malice did he slither through the store,  
> Saying naught and nothing more.
> 
> Fate approached him as a customer who seemed at once to trust him.  
> “Are these cameras any good? I’ve never shopped for one before.”  
> Glasses thick, stubble unshaven, spewing trivia like Cliff Clavin,  
> On he went, this crazy maven bragging of his Slashdot score.  
> “If you read my blog, you’d know my postings rate above a four.  
> ‘Funny’ and ‘Insightful’ are the words you’d see with five or four.”  
> After which she fled the store.
> 
> Then a man who lacked acumen caused his targeting to zoom in.  
> "Windows spyware drives me nuts. Removing it is such a chore.  
> “This Mac mini sure looks swell so buying it would end my hell, no?”  
> "Apple’s switching to Intel so I would wait a year or more  
> “And you’ll want new software too if you don’t wait a year or more.”  
> Quoth the maven, “Leave the store.”
> 
> Citing every spec and feature, body trained by Arthur Treacher,  
> Did the maven woo his audience like some techie troubadour.  
> Who had let this creature foul in? If he did not throw the towel in  
> I’d be forced to go all Shaolin monk on his posterior.  
> How I’d whip that swath of corpulence that claimed posterior  
> Pressed against my glass case door.
> 
> Then his keen newbie detection struck gold in the gaming section.  
> “I’ve an itch for simulation. I’m opposed to too much gore.  
> “This Sims game could be my toehold. It looks so much fun. I’m so sold.”  
> “Sims are so five years ago. Hold off and wait for Will Wright’s Spore.”  
> Just forget that Sims 2 stuff and save your darseks up for Spore.”  
> Quoth the maven, “Leave the store.”
> 
> On his pattern kept repeating and I watched my cash depleting  
> As he dispatched questions like blind bulls before the matador.  
> Each request brought new retort in just like when Leo Laporte ‘n’  
> His ex-co-host Patrick Norton would save screens in days of yore –  
> Oh, to live those fond remembered years of TechTV of yore  
> Ere the odious G4.
> 
> Then a young lad came inquiring, toward a purchase now aspiring,  
> “Wasn’t this cool laptop here the C|Net pick the month before”  
> “Handy it would surely come in when more speed I’d need to summon.”  
> "You don’t want that Pentium. Intel is moving to dual core.  
> “Who would use some HyperThreading loser chip when there’s dual core?”  
> Quoth the maven, “Leave the store.”
> 
> Soon I sensed my deeper breathing as my temper turned to seething.  
> Loathing his devouring dollars like the fabled manticore.  
> As he sabotaged each sale in, I could see my business failin" –  
> Stock reports through EDGAR ailin’ that would leave me poe, er, poor.  
> How the gloom of EDGAR would tell tales of heart that made me poor  
> From this maven I abhor.
> 
> “Please, sir,” came my mocking meekness, "if I may address Your Geekness,  
> "You possess the kind of genius humans haven’t seen before.  
> "I don’t mean to be a rusher of one smart as Wesley Crusher  
> '"But this nice CD of Usher’s yours if you part my decor.  
> “A fall of the house and Usher music would beat my decor.”  
> Quoth the maven, “Nevermore.”
> 
> "Once again, I’d like to mention how you’re aiding apprehension.  
> "Please stop chasing customers away, your favor I’d implore.  
> "Your reply would be most gracious if you’d quit this path tenacious  
> "Transfer now thy form sebaceous to where it was heretofore  
> “Please return to that dim destination thou stood heretofore.”  
> Quoth the maven, “Nevermore.”
> 
> “Fiend!,” I cried, "Reviled earth-scorcher! Stop at once this heinous torture  
> "That as Satan’s scion learned you, wicked cash cow carnivore!  
> "Do not blink there, smug and silent, lest I turn to actions violent.  
> "Take thy zits from out my aisle and take thy fat ass from my store!  
> “Now be gone! Remove thy Comic Book Guy visage from my store!”  
> Quoth the maven, “Nevermore.”
> 
> And the maven, ever stalking, still is talking, still is talking  
> And I grow more desperate for some euro, cent or louis d’or.  
> And his voice has all the grating of clawed hands down chalkboards skating  
> And my profits keep deflating as my sales drop through the floor  
> As my spirit’s shards get swept by cleanup crews across the floor  
> To be lifted nevermore.

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**Author:** ![Dr.Stevil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/da6949/32.png) [@Dr.Stevil](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Dr.Stevil)\
**Post date:** [October 31, 2006, 3:42pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/quoth-the-maven-leave-the-store/19501/2 "2006-10-31T15:42:39Z")

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hahaha, that was pretty good :tup: :tup:

reminds me of the dude from circuit city trying to fill Skurge and I in on how to setup a SATA drive :lol: Mumbling off facts and figures… 5 mins later, “do you remember a thing he said?” haha

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**Author:** ![Dex](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/dex/32/7210_2.png) [@Dex](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Dex)\
**Post date:** [November 1, 2006, 8:11am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/quoth-the-maven-leave-the-store/19501/3 "2006-11-01T08:11:11Z")

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awesome. I \<3 working at best buy.