# Shitty jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** PittSpeed Off Topic\ **Created:** [May 31, 2004, 1:56am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/shitty-jokes/166843 "2004-05-31T01:56:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 6\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![ShalerPunk](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/shalerpunk/32/5976_2.png) [@ShalerPunk](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/ShalerPunk)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2004, 1:56am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/shitty-jokes/166843/1 "2004-05-31T01:56:16Z")
**The man, the ostrich, and the cat** A Guy in Ireland walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him. As he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, “What’ll it be?” The man says, “I’ll have a pint,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have a pint as well,” says the ostrich. The man looks at the cat, and says, “I suppose you want a drink too.” The cat replies, “I’ll have a half, but I ain’t fookin’ payin’!” So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says, “That’ll be three pounds forty, please.” The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and pulls out exactly three-forty in change. A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket. The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. “I’ll have a pint,” says the man. "Same for me,"says the ostrich, and the cat orders up a half… “But I ain’t fookin’ payin’!” Repeat of yesterday. The Bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket. This becomes almost a regular routine until late one evening, the trio enters again. “The same?” asks the barman. “Well”, says the man, “it’s close to last orders. I’ll have a large whiskey.” He turns to the ostrich to inquire. The bird says, "I’ll have a large whiskey as well."The cat says, “I’ll have a small whiskey… but I ain’t fookin’ payin’!” The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, “that’ll be seven pounds twenty, please.” To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven & twenty out of his pocket. As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can’t contain his curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there’s something I must know… how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket?” “Well,” says the man, “several years ago, I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. As I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes.” “That’s fantastic”, says the barkeep, “What did you wish for?” “Well, if I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there.” “That’s brilliant,” says the barman, “most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live.” “That’s right, whether its a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!” As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, “One last thing, sir… your friends there… we don’t get many cats or ostriches drinkin’ in 'ere…?” The man looks glum. “Yes, I know. That’s probably the worst thing I ever did, but I’m stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.” ---
**Author:** ![ShalerPunk](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/shalerpunk/32/5976_2.png) [@ShalerPunk](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/ShalerPunk)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2004, 1:59am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/shitty-jokes/166843/2 "2004-05-31T01:59:05Z")
**The Misdirected Vacation E-Mail** An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE. ---
**Author:** ![ShalerPunk](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/shalerpunk/32/5976_2.png) [@ShalerPunk](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/ShalerPunk)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2004, 2:00am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/shitty-jokes/166843/3 "2004-05-31T02:00:23Z")
**Bathroom Messages** The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open. Women’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die. -Men’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL If you can piss this high, join the fire department. - On the wall in the men’s restroom at a height of 6 feet O’Ryan’s Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon. Beauty is only a light switch away. - Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina. I’ve decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. -Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge,Massachusetts. If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. -Armand’s Pizza. Washington, DC Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?” it’s “Hi, how are you?” -Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia. God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? -The Irish Times. Washington, DC No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. -Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina. To do is to be. -Descartes To be is to do. -Voltaire Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra -Men’s restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere. -Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg,Arizona. Make love, not war.-Hell, do both, get married! -Women’s restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana. God is dead. -Nietzsche Nietzsche is dead. -God -The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, DC A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. -Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort. Dallas, Texas. Watch out for Gay Limbo Dancers -Inside toilet stall door, Men’s restroom, Express Lane: Five beers or less -Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s. Phoenix, AZ. ---
**Author:** ![ShalerPunk](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/shalerpunk/32/5976_2.png) [@ShalerPunk](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/ShalerPunk)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2004, 2:01am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/shitty-jokes/166843/4 "2004-05-31T02:01:03Z")
**How Hot Is It In Hell? (a true story)** A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: “Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.” Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1). If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2). Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, “That it will be a cold night in Hell before sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic. The student got the only A. ---
**Author:** ![ShalerPunk](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/shalerpunk/32/5976_2.png) [@ShalerPunk](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/ShalerPunk)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2004, 2:03am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/shitty-jokes/166843/5 "2004-05-31T02:03:59Z")
**Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?** Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American. Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down. Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999. The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was. Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. L.A. Police Department: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out. Timothy Leary: Because that’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens. Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it, I’ve not been told! Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature. Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. Joseph Stalin: I don’t care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette. Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being. John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty. Albert Camus: It doesn’t matter; the chicken’s actions have no meaning except to him. Mulder: It was a government conspiracy. Scully: It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens. Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads. Darwin #2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Oliver Stone: The question is not “Why did the chicken cross the road?” but is rather “Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?” Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?” The Pope: That is only for God to know. Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will. Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time. George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests. Colonel Sanders: I missed one? Plato: For the greater good. Aristotle: To actualize its potential. Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you. B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will. Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road. Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? The Sphinx: You tell me. Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death. Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it. Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. O.J.: It didn’t. I was playing golf with it at the time. ---
**Author:** ![ShalerPunk](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/shalerpunk/32/5976_2.png) [@ShalerPunk](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/ShalerPunk)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2004, 2:04am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/shitty-jokes/166843/6 "2004-05-31T02:04:48Z")
**EuroEnglish** The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of negotiations, her Majesty Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replased with “k”. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replased by “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgraful, and they would go. By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by “z” and “w” by “v”. During ze fifz year ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.