# Some Really Good Jokes...
**URL:** https://forums.speedlife.net/t/some-really-good-jokes/126536
**Category:** SON240sx Off Topic
**Created:** [July 24, 2009, 10:34am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/some-really-good-jokes/126536 "2009-07-24T10:34:18Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@SpHiNxXx](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/SpHiNxXx)
#### Post date: [July 24, 2009, 10:34am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/some-really-good-jokes/126536/1 "2009-07-24T10:34:18Z")
[LEFT]**[FONT=Arial][SIZE=5]Good Jokes Page[/SIZE][/FONT]**
**[FONT=Arial][SIZE=1]Various Issues[/SIZE][/FONT]**
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=4]What do they make from frozen holy water? (Popesicles)[/LEFT]
[LEFT]What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? (Popeye almost killed him.)[/LEFT]
[LEFT]Did you hear about the Polish terrorist who tried to blow up a bus? (He burned his lips on the exhaust!)[/LEFT]
[LEFT]Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? (He heard he snow blower coming.)[/LEFT]
[LEFT]How did the leper castrate himself? (By jerking off!)[/LEFT]
[LEFT]What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive cream? (A spermicidal maniac.)[/LEFT]
[LEFT]What’s the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman? (You can unscrew the light bulb.)[/LEFT]
[LEFT]I’ve got a joke so funny it’ll make your breasts fall off! (Oh, I see you’ve already heard it!)[/LEFT]
[LEFT]Why did god create man? (Because you can’t teach an electric vibrator to mow the lawn!)[/LEFT]
[LEFT]How do you sink a Polish navy? (Put it in the water.)[/LEFT]
[LEFT]What’s red, bubbly and scratches at the window? (A baby in the microwave.)[/LEFT]
[LEFT]What’s blue and squirms in the corner? (A baby in a baggie.) [/LEFT]
[LEFT]What’s green and sits in the corner? (The
same baby two weeks later.)[/LEFT]
[LEFT]What do you call a pretty girl in Poland? (Tourist)[/LEFT]
[LEFT]What’s 8 miles long and has a IQ of 40? (The St. Patrick’s Day parade.)[/LEFT]
[LEFT]Did you hear about the man who was half Polish and half Italian? (He made himself an offer he couldn’t
understand.)[/LEFT]
[LEFT]What get wetter as it dries? (Toilet paper)[/LEFT]
[LEFT]“Mommy, Mommy, why can’t I have a new puppy?” (“We haven’t finished eating the old one yet!”)[/LEFT]
[LEFT]“Mommy, Mommy, it’s dark and wet down here!” (“Shut up, or I’ll flush again!”)[/LEFT]
[LEFT]“Mommy, Mommy, why is Grandma so pale?” (“Shut up, and keep digging!”)[/LEFT]
[LEFT]“Mommy, Mommy, are you sure this is way to make pizza?” (“Shut up, and get back into the oven!”)[/LEFT]
[LEFT]What’s the best way to catch a fish? (Have someone throw it to you.)[/LEFT]
[LEFT]What do you call three dead babies piled on top of each other? (A stool)
[/LEFT]
How do you say “fuck you” in Los Angeles? (“trust me”)
[/SIZE][/FONT]
---
### Author:  [@system](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/system)
#### Post date: [July 24, 2009, 10:41am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/some-really-good-jokes/126536/2 "2009-07-24T10:41:47Z")
why was stevie wonder always smiling ?
nobody told him he was black !!!
---
### Author:  [@kapetajr](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/kapetajr)
#### Post date: [July 24, 2009, 2:19pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/some-really-good-jokes/126536/3 "2009-07-24T14:19:33Z")
> [@FUELAB regulator questions](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/fuelab-regulator-questions/23209/13):
>
> why was stevie wonder always smiling ?
>
> nobody told him he was black !!!
bwahhahahaha
---
### Author:  [@Skinny](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Skinny)
#### Post date: [July 24, 2009, 4:03pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/some-really-good-jokes/126536/4 "2009-07-24T16:03:12Z")
no offense its only a joke
why do black people stink?
so blind people have a reason to hate them too.
its only a joke calm urself
---
### Author:  [@kapetajr](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/kapetajr)
#### Post date: [July 24, 2009, 4:09pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/some-really-good-jokes/126536/5 "2009-07-24T16:09:15Z")
> [@1991 Eclipse GSX -- Glen Cove NY](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/1991-eclipse-gsx-glen-cove-ny/23116/17):
>
> no offense its only a joke
>
> why do black people stink?
> so blind people have a reason to hate them too.
>
> its only a joke calm urself
I find that offensive jerk.
na just kidding thats pretty good too.
---
### Author:  [@system](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/system)
#### Post date: [July 24, 2009, 4:54pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/some-really-good-jokes/126536/6 "2009-07-24T16:54:15Z")
A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder
On Michael Jackson’s Death…
… … … … … ……
… . . … … . . . . … . … …. … … . … …
… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … .
… . . … … . . . …
… . … … … … …
… … … … … … … … . . … …
. … .
. . … . … . …
… … … … … … … … … … … … … …
. … … .
… …
… . . … . . … … … …
… … … … … … … …
Deep stuff huh?
I nearly cried when he said,
“. … . . . … … … … … . . … …”
---
### Author:  [@system](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/system)
#### Post date: [July 24, 2009, 4:56pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/some-really-good-jokes/126536/7 "2009-07-24T16:56:02Z")
The term “Nigger Rigged” is no longer acceptable, effective immediately.
It will now be referred to as a “Presidential Solution”.
---
### Author:  [@Skinny](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Skinny)
#### Post date: [July 24, 2009, 11:13pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/some-really-good-jokes/126536/8 "2009-07-24T23:13:07Z")
> [@Minor ding/dent removal...](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/minor-ding-dent-removal/23214/2):
>
> The term “Nigger Rigged” is no longer acceptable, effective immediately.
>
> It will now be referred to as a “Presidential Solution”.
WIN
---
### Author:  [@polak240sx](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/polak240sx)
#### Post date: [July 25, 2009, 1:33pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/some-really-good-jokes/126536/9 "2009-07-25T13:33:24Z")
Thank god for farmer.
I was ready to put my flame suit on after i read the op.
---
### Author:  [@J\_Camel](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/J_Camel)
#### Post date: [July 26, 2009, 1:34am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/some-really-good-jokes/126536/10 "2009-07-26T01:34:12Z")
So a dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
---
### Author:  [@Fobwall](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Fobwall)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2009, 6:40am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/some-really-good-jokes/126536/11 "2009-07-29T06:40:52Z")
LOL @ FARMER.
+1 for Farmer having the best racist jokes!
---
### Author:  [@system](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/system)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2009, 4:10pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/some-really-good-jokes/126536/12 "2009-07-29T16:10:12Z")
We should do with this…
New Telephone Greeting:
Wouldn’t it be amazing, if this caught on,
All over the country…?
'GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO CANADA ’
‘Press ‘1’ if you speak English.’
'Press ‘‘2’’ to disconnect until you can
farmer
---
### Author:  [@MIKE-240sx](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/MIKE-240sx)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2009, 4:33pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/some-really-good-jokes/126536/13 "2009-07-29T16:33:39Z")
lol this guy and his racist jokes… hollllllllllllllllay
---
### Author:  [@Skinny](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Skinny)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2009, 7:59pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/some-really-good-jokes/126536/14 "2009-07-29T19:59:56Z")
> [@Official:Nyspeed 06-07 Snowmobile Thread](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-nyspeed-06-07-snowmobile-thread/21038/22):
>
> We should do with this…
>
> New Telephone Greeting:
> Wouldn’t it be amazing, if this caught on,
>
> All over the country…?
>
> 'GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO CANADA ’
>
> ‘Press ‘1’ if you speak English.’
> 'Press ‘‘2’’ to disconnect until you can
>
> farmer
FARMER FOR PRIME MINISTER!!!
This is by far the best thing I have heard all week.
thanks
---
### Author:  [@Fobwall](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Fobwall)
#### Post date: [July 30, 2009, 5:10am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/some-really-good-jokes/126536/15 "2009-07-30T05:10:25Z")
> [@Official:Nyspeed 06-07 Snowmobile Thread](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/official-nyspeed-06-07-snowmobile-thread/21038/22):
>
> We should do with this…
>
> New Telephone Greeting:
> Wouldn’t it be amazing, if this caught on,
>
> All over the country…?
>
> 'GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO CANADA ’
>
> ‘Press ‘1’ if you speak English.’
> 'Press ‘‘2’’ to disconnect until you can
>
> farmer
ahaha
---
### Author:  [@system](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/system)
#### Post date: [July 30, 2009, 8:52am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/some-really-good-jokes/126536/16 "2009-07-30T08:52:48Z")
modern day tools and their purpose
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, ‘Oh sh–’
SKIL(L) SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. Other uses may include launching
nuts and bolts at a very high rate of speed when said items are squeezed too hard.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
Projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
To convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
use.
Son of a bitchTOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling ‘Son of a bitch’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.
---
### Author:  [@Pants](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Pants)
#### Post date: [July 30, 2009, 10:59am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/some-really-good-jokes/126536/17 "2009-07-30T10:59:25Z")
> [@"Without hesitation, I choose the city" by William Graebner](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/without-hesitation-i-choose-the-city-by-william-graebner/23315/2):
>
> Son of a bitchTOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
> while yelling ‘Son of a bitch’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
> often, the next tool that you will need.
haha know this all too well
---
### Author:  [@Fobwall](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Fobwall)
#### Post date: [July 30, 2009, 4:10pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/some-really-good-jokes/126536/18 "2009-07-30T16:10:44Z")
What’s the difference between a SONling and a Jew?
One comes oven baked.
---
### Author:  [@kollo](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/kollo)
#### Post date: [July 30, 2009, 5:13pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/some-really-good-jokes/126536/19 "2009-07-30T17:13:59Z")
^are we talking about dan?lol
---
### Author:  [@system](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/system)
#### Post date: [August 6, 2009, 3:53pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/some-really-good-jokes/126536/20 "2009-08-06T15:53:28Z")
LETS OFFEND EVERYONE
Redneck couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says ’ Oh for fuck’s sake stop crying, you’re still my sister’
* * *
My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, ‘You’re not fucking listening’
* * *
Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
* * *
I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.
I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off.
* * *
Today a native was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.
Regina police said it’s the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.
* * *
A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.
* * *
Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.
She asks what are they made of.
The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.
The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says 'Don’t worry, we have them in black for $4.99.
* * *
Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, ‘get this out of me, give me drugs’.
She turns to the boyfriend and says ‘You did this to me you fucker’.
He replied casually, ‘If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, ‘Fuck off it’ll be too painful’, Now who’s laughing’
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