# The Onion. **URL:** \ **Category:** NYSpeed Off Topic\ **Created:** [November 10, 2006, 6:56am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/the-onion/19996 "2006-11-10T06:56:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![newman](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/newman/32/7569_2.png) [@newman](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/newman)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 6:56am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/the-onion/19996/1 "2006-11-10T06:56:34Z")
If you don’t know what it is, it’s fucking hysterical. Think the beast or the phat free, but better. > **[The Onion | America's Finest News Source.](https://www.theonion.com)** > > The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source. example. > Why Can’t I Sell Any Of These Fucking Bibles? > > By Edwin Childress > Bible Salesman > July 22, 1998 | Issue 33•25 > Edwin Childress > > I honestly have no idea what the hell is going on. Why can’t I seem to sell any of these fucking Bibles? I’m offering the best goddamn Bible I’ve ever seen–not some piece-of-shit Bible that’ll fall apart before you’re halfway through Matthew–and still, everywhere I go, I get the door slammed in my face. What gives? > > Yesterday, I was going door-to-door on Sycamore Drive. The first house I went to, this nice-looking old lady opened the door, and the first thing I noticed were these two big fucking crucifixes hanging on her living-room wall. I thought for sure I had a sale in the bag. I thought, if I can’t sell a Bible to this woman, Jesus, who in all of God’s fucking kingdom can I sell one to? > > I didn’t waste any time moving in for the sale. I asked the woman how much she’d expect to pay for a handsome Bible with a 32-page full-color insert, a genuine, hand-fucking-crafted leather cover, and a reinforced spine that could take just about any beating she could dish out. > > She didn’t answer, so I went ahead and answered for her: A fucking hell of a lot more than $14.99, that’s for sure! > > You can’t get workmanship like this from those sons of bitches at Christian Book World, I told her. Just look at the gilded edges on this cocksucker! Take it into your own hands and examine the quality of this hardback volume made with 100 percent acid-free paper, I said. > > This Bible will last a fuckin’ lifetime. You want a Good Book? This is a good fucking book! You’d have to be brain-dead not to get in on a deal like this. Hell, I said, I’ll throw in a motherfucking “Parables & Miracles Of Christ” bookmark for absolutely free! > > I poured my heart out on that doorstep, and do you think I earned one red son-of-a-bitching cent? Nope. I tried not to show my disappointment, though, and acted real professional. When I left, I waved and said, “Thank you, ma’am, perhaps some other time.” > > Why does this happen day after day? I’m offering one seriously nice Bible for a goddamn song. Still, I’ve got three fucking crates of them sitting in the trunk of my car. Christ! > > It can’t be me, 'cause I know I’m a good salesman. I worked for 14 years at Jensen Used Auto Parts, and I was the top man in sales six years running. Before that, I sold plumbing fixtures and made a goddamn fortune on commissions. > > At this point, I have no choice but to contact the Beechwood Bible Company and complain, because I’m doing everything their official Bible salesman’s handbook says I should do. > > First, it says, Greet the customer in a friendly manner. I do that. I flash a big smile and say, “How the hell are you doing today?” > > Number two, it says, Politely ask, “May have a moment of your time?” I’ve started reading the sentence right out of the handbook, just to prove I’m doing things to the letter. I say, “Ma’am, may I have a moment of your time?” If she says no, I leave. If she says yes, I say, “Thank you, I won’t be long. I know you’re probably extremely busy keeping up this big-ass house of yours.” > > Step three is to present the product. Well, fuck—that’s the easy part! This fucking Bible should sell itself! It has everything: It’s got the New Fucking Testament, it’s got the Old Fucking Testament. It’s got a full index and supplemental material in the back. It even has all the shit Jesus said conveniently highlighted in red ink. > > I guess this proves people just aren’t religious anymore. The Word of God must mean nothing to people nowadays. Christ Almighty, that’s just fucking sad. ---
**Author:** ![RuBiCaNT](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/rubicant/32/7622_2.png) [@RuBiCaNT](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/RuBiCaNT)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 6:58am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/the-onion/19996/2 "2006-11-10T06:58:16Z")
heheh… ---
**Author:** ![66impalass](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/66impalass/32/7429_2.png) [@66impalass](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/66impalass)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2006, 7:06am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/the-onion/19996/3 "2006-11-10T07:06:01Z")
I love the onion, its great, I had a couple highschool teachers who use to write for it ---
**Author:** ![Inn-Tune](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/inn-tune/32/7588_2.png) [@Inn-Tune](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Inn-Tune)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2006, 6:35am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/the-onion/19996/4 "2006-11-11T06:35:44Z")
How did you just find this now? It’s so Newman… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Twizted](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/twizted/32/7206_2.png) [@Twizted](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Twizted)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2006, 6:45am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/the-onion/19996/5 "2006-11-11T06:45:24Z")
i like [onionbooty.com](http://onionbooty.com) better ---
**Author:** ![newman](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/newman/32/7569_2.png) [@newman](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/newman)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2006, 8:35am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/the-onion/19996/6 "2006-11-11T08:35:00Z")
> [@Inn-Tune](#): > > How did you just find this now? It’s so Newman… 😃 nah, i knew about it a while ago, i used to read it when i worked at a pizza place. ---
**Author:** ![RedGoober4Life](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/redgoober4life/32/7610_2.png) [@RedGoober4Life](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/RedGoober4Life)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2006, 9:24am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/the-onion/19996/7 "2006-11-11T09:24:51Z")
inter cola conference. ha! \<3 the onion. ---
**Author:** ![Bacon](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/bacon/32/7230_2.png) [@Bacon](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Bacon)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2006, 11:02am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/the-onion/19996/8 "2006-11-11T11:02:07Z")
It truely is a great site. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![JEG](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/jeg/32/7246_2.png) [@JEG](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/JEG)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2006, 11:08am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/the-onion/19996/9 "2006-11-11T11:08:45Z")
LMFAO thats awosme ---
**Author:** ![double\_j](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/double_j/32/7380_2.png) [@double\_j](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/double_j)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2006, 4:07pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/the-onion/19996/10 "2006-11-11T16:07:16Z")
\<---- Fan of The Onion for a long time. I dislike the vegetable though. ---
**Author:** ![Willybeen](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/willybeen/32/7351_2.png) [@Willybeen](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Willybeen)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2006, 4:23pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/the-onion/19996/11 "2006-11-11T16:23:40Z")
they referenced the onion this past week on the new family guy… i miss the BEAST comix… they have been shitty lately, but the onion is always a solid time killer ---
**Author:** ![newman](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/newman/32/7569_2.png) [@newman](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/newman)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2007, 12:44pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/the-onion/19996/12 "2007-06-04T12:44:27Z")
[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30342](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30342) why is the onion so funny ---
**Author:** ![RuBiCaNT](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/rubicant/32/7622_2.png) [@RuBiCaNT](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/RuBiCaNT)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2007, 12:53pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/the-onion/19996/13 "2007-06-04T12:53:55Z")
LAWWWWWWWWL!! [http://www.theonion.com/content/news/rocky\_ii\_iii\_iv\_decisions](http://www.theonion.com/content/news/rocky_ii_iii_iv_decisions) ---
**Author:** ![Fry](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/fry/32/7284_2.png) [@Fry](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Fry)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2007, 12:55pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/the-onion/19996/14 "2007-06-04T12:55:10Z")
[quote=“Twizted,post:5,topic:19996"”] i like [onionbooty.com](http://onionbooty.com) better [/quote] lol word. ---
**Author:** ![Bacon](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/bacon/32/7230_2.png) [@Bacon](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Bacon)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2007, 1:11pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/the-onion/19996/15 "2007-06-04T13:11:15Z")
[quote=“RuBiCaNT,post:13,topic:19996"”] LAWWWWWWWWL!! > **[The Onion | America's Finest News Source.](https://www.theonion.com/)** > > The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source. [/quote] It’s a sad, sad day in the world of fictional wrestling. ---
**Author:** ![JayS](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/jays/32/15375_2.png) [@JayS](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/JayS)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2007, 1:48pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/the-onion/19996/16 "2007-06-04T13:48:47Z")
Anyone remember when the Buffalo News recently redesigned their site? Pretty clear someone over there goes to The Onion a lot. [www.buffalonews.com](http://www.buffalonews.com) > **[The Onion - America’s Finest News Source](https://www.theonion.com/)** > > America’s Finest News Source Coincidence? ---
**Author:** ![ly555is](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3bc359/32.png) [@ly555is](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/ly555is)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2007, 2:38pm UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/the-onion/19996/17 "2007-06-04T14:38:50Z")
props for bringing up the site i’ve been a faithful reader for the past 7yrs :tup: ---
**Author:** ![Carnut](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/carnut/32/7590_2.png) [@Carnut](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Carnut)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2008, 4:23am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/the-onion/19996/18 "2008-11-07T04:23:09Z")
> **[Featured Content on Myspace](https://myspace.com/)** > > Featured Content on Myspace LOL, thats some funny shit ---
**Author:** ![Jon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/3bc359/32.png) [@Jon](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/Jon)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2008, 5:03am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/the-onion/19996/19 "2008-11-07T05:03:07Z")
:lol: ---
**Author:** ![LXIFLYBY](https://yyz2.discourse-cdn.com/flex034/user_avatar/forums.speedlife.net/lxiflyby/32/7399_2.png) [@LXIFLYBY](https://forums.speedlife.net/u/LXIFLYBY)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2008, 7:22am UTC](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/the-onion/19996/20 "2008-11-07T07:22:30Z")
oh man… thats great [Next page](https://forums.speedlife.net/t/the-onion/19996.md?page=2)