This is a fun little checklist, compiled to shed light on that little niche of humanity known as the “car scene”. It’s here to inform and provide humor based on common stereotypes and cliche’s about “car guys” that are almost always embodied by the owners of the following vehicles.
…10 Maserati: This car is in the number 10 spot only because of their lack of prescence on the road. Typical of a mid-30s douchebag, these cars can be found with their either wealthy or stupidly indebted owners driving like complete morons in thick midday traffic. When they aren’t trying to impress high school sophomores with their rad fake ferraris they can be found laying black marks into onramps and nearly taking out soccer moms when they fail to signal while playing NASCAR on the highway.
…9 Civic Si: While most civics are owned by sensible motorists just wanting cheap transport, a small group of teenage douchebags, empowered by the fantastic scenes of speed in The Fast and the Fictious have decided that one car stands above all else as a powerhouse road rocket. They have chosen the anemic Civic Si to show the rest of the commuting world just who’s boss. With it’s stunning 170 HP, these buzzfarting pests can be seen slowly bumbling through traffic, racecar style, sometimes passing on shoulders and turn lanes to prove their macho vehicles are faster than anything they happen to pass, most of the time when no “race” of any sort is taking place.
…8 BMW 3-Series: Everyone’s encountered these douchebags on the road. Yuppie with a cell phone up to his ear, crappy eurotrash technomusic blaring, chinese knock-off designer sunglasses on and a pink polo shirt with the collar popped like a pro. This metrodouchebag has only one thing on his mind when he’s driving, and that’s proving how big a douchebag he really is to any and all drivers on the road. When you are at an intersection with a lane that ends, he will try to race you to get in front of you, when you are doing 15 over on the freeway, he will pretend to be agitated and floor his mighty 220 HP mill to flyby you and show that his vehicle is meant for autobahn speeds. Apparently the warranty as a clause about a free replacement vehicle if the car is damaged while running a red light or stop sign, regardless of age or mileage, so be careful when these crowning douchebags pull their ultimate driving machine up to the line, they might just cross it!
…7 Dodge Ram: This list wouldn’t be complete without the country douchebag cousin. Out of all the trucks, none has spurned a douchebag craze like the Hemi toting ram. With it’s big grille, sunburnt, dirty, tattoo’d arm hanging out the window, and a confederate flag adorning the rear window, this truckload of douchebaggery will bear down on any little car that happens to be in front of them, tail gating them until they can snarl their overstressed engine to gradually pass by. Loud and awful sounding exhausts along with gun racks and cam seat covers are common place on these rural douche haulers. Just make sure you have a decent bit of distance between these tailgating SOBs if you decide to brake check these lunatics, trucks aren’t known for their ability to stop.
…6 Trans-Am: A hardy choice for a midlevel douchebag, Trans-ams are notorious for their owners complete lack of self control when it comes to showing off their badass plastic muscle car. Revving their obnoxiously loud engines at anything with 4 wheels and an audible engine, these douchebags are always looking for a chance to show off their douchebaggery. More often than not, some slack-jawed yokel, upon being called such, will utter phrases like “well what do you drive” or “my ****'s faster’n yours”. This boondock douchebag call, while not limited to trans-am drivers, is often followed by a big burnout , no matter how thick the traffic is, and a middle finger. It should be noted, these douchebags appear to network with other douchebags to form douche convoys.
…5 Camaro SS: The companion douchebag to the trans-am, these ****y bastards have taken a notch above the trans-am because of the ego boost their SS badge gives them. SS, standing for Super Small, is a reference to their penis size. Often the SS Douchebag (lol sounds like a ship full of *******s) will try to show off for his inbred girlfriend by racing vehicles that aren’t acknowledging a race, or participating in the douchebaggery of trans-am owners, as stated above. On top of burnouts, donuts, and being obnoxious, they firmly believe the SS badge of their Camaro gives them super powers over other Camaros, even V8s, inspite of a weight difference not over come by the marginal power difference.
…4 Mustang Cobra: The crowning douchebag of the V8, the mustang cobra reigns supreme in their godlike douchebaggery. Cobra douchebags suffer from a Napoleonic complex that their cars are the greatest vehicles ever made. The fact that can be fast is the primary fuel for this ego. However, when these douchebags are bested they fall back on a douchebag cliche as old as time. People who think their car sucks are jealous of it, and wish they could afford the bourgeois pricetag of a $27000-$30000 car. They are also prone to excuse making, from the design of the car, to the fact that some of these douchebags just don’t know how to drive them. These are all excuses levied to try and quell the flood of criticism of the small-****ed, arrogant douchebag when they try to show off more than they are able.
…3 Subaru STi: The douchebag mobile for the 21st century is here. Complete with a simulated penis enlarging function that gives the owners of these fugly shopping carts with engines the feeling they are more masculine than they truely are. Again spouting claims of jealous or inability to afford a cheap japanese import, the drivers of these cars are the first all-weather douchebags of the list. Because of mass advertising campaigns, the pinheaded morons driving these cars seem to think that any day, rain, snow, shine, or 3" of glaze ice is race day and will not hesitate to prove this to you, even if it means slamming into a telephone pole on a winter day. On top of that, the turbocharged engine gives these twats a sense of superiority over other vehicles that don’t have turbochargers. The douchebags brag about these fascinating pieces of technology, even if they haven’t a clue how they work.
…2 Mitsubishi EVO: Thanks to a mass marketed hype, Mitsubishi was able to jump into the douchebag market with the Mitsubishi EVO, an ugly piece of junk that can best be described as a turbocharged chinese takeout box. Because of the hype and aura surrounded by these douchemobiles, their owners think their cars are invincible, able to best every and any car on the road or track, inspite of reality. Again jealousy is an issue with the owners of these rolling dumpsters because we all know people just wish they owned a $30000 Lancer with a hopped up engine. Additional “technology” features (including a massive wing inversely proportional to the owners penis size) attract quasi-intelligent douchebags to these cars because they can pretend to explain how all the useless marketing features actually make their cars fast. Through extensive douchebag networking, a random douchebag always knows some other douchebag who is a friend of a douchebag with an Evo that runs single digits in the quarter mile. This information is b ogus, and often imparted by a douchebag trying to impress non-douchebags about a hyped up douchemobile that he doesn’t own. Races with these uber-fast EVOs never materialize either. Fortunately, the hype on these vehicles is fading away, but egos remain higher than ever as a result, with douchebags desperate to prove how badass they can be by racing anything on the road.
and now…
The Number 1 Douchebag Vehicle of All
Dodge Neon SRT4: The ultimate in douchebaggery vehicles. A worthless turd of a vehicle, slapped together by the company that brought you the Ram, comes a douchemobile of unimaginable proportions. There is not a single owner of these vehicles that isnt faithful to the douchebag way of life. Whether it’s talking up their slow piece of crap and never running it, making every excuse from the douchebag rolodex of BS reasons why they won’t race or lost a race, or simply doing childish douchebag things like weaving, blowing through redlights, flooring it at every opportunity, burnouts in traffic, revving at cars two lanes over and in front of them, racing in traffic, nearly rear ending cars, losing control and flying off a road while attempting to race a car that wasn’t race, NASCAR impersonations, trying to show off to their ugly girlfriend how macho they are by being a complete moron, pretending parking lots are rally tracks, and thinking they have the fastest car ever built, SRT4 owners do it all. They are world class, award winning, grade A douchebags that need to be stomped, laughed at, outrun, and outdone in every car related anything they bring their pieces of crap too. Even Dodge thought they created a douchebag monster they couldn’t control so they axed it. Above it all, these douchebags are in intense denial about one thing: THEY DRIVE NEONS. Neons will never be cool, respectable, awesome, attractive, or have a legacy other than being pre-form scrap metal. Douche on SRT4 owners, Douche on!
