GENTLEMEN, IT’S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL “AM I GAY?” SELF-EXAMINATION
1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are
gay. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog,
but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a
delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And
just think about how you call a dog… “Killer, come here! I said get your ass
over here, Killer!” Now think about how you call a cat…“Bun-bun, come to
daddy, snookums!” Jeeezus, you’re fit to be framed, you’re so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on
bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet,
or breasts. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and
undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is
his bathroom; he craps and pisses where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in
the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full aroma. A
straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim "
and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you’ve
had NutraSweet in your mouth, you’ve had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of
dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real
man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as
well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL,
college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know
what a “fressier” is you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile
other than denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to
tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a
slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that
hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play
with his honey in the passenger seat.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le
Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a
woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous
homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they Flame out too.