Oil Change Instructions for Women:
- Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles
since the last oil change. - Drink a cup of coffee.
- 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle. Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $ 1.00
Total $21.00
Oil Change Instructions for Men:
- Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for
oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree. - Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of
taking it back to O’Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. - Open a beer and drink it.
- Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
- Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
- In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
- Place drain pan under engine.
- Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
- Give up and use crescent wrench.
- Unscrew drain plug.
- Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil
on you in process. - Clean up mess.
- Have another beer while watching oil drain.
- Look for oil filter wrench.
- Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
- Beer.
- Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Finish oil change tomorrow. - Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
- Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
- Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
- Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
- Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin
coat of oil to gasket surface. - Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
- Remember drain plug from step 11.
- Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
- Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in
the back yard, along with drain plug. - Drink beer.
- Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
- Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
- Drink beer.
- Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang
knuckles on frame. - Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
- Begin cussing fit.
- Throw wrench.
- Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit
Miss December (1992) in the left boob. - Beer.
- Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as
required to stop blood flow. - Beer.
- Beer.
- Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
- Beer.
- Lower car from jack stands.
- Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
- Move car back to apply more kitty litter to
fresh oil spilled during step 23. - Beer.
- Test drive car.
- Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
- Car gets impounded.
- Make bail.
- Get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $25.00
Total-- $4150.00
But you know the job was done right.