OK, let me start off by saying this Montego Blue RX-7 is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it were possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o’clock shadow, this Mazda would look like Vin Diesel. It is just that manly.
This third generation RX-7 was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you have your eye on. It wasn’t meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that is what your Prius is for. If that is the kind of car you are looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.
This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn’t even consider superfluous nancy-boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don’t get lost), heated seats (a real man doesn’t let anything warm his butt), or OnStar (real men don’t even know what the hell OnStar is). Your amenities are POWER. Power windows, power steering, power locks, twin turbo power under the hood. The sunroof, original alloy rims, custom wood trim and spoiler are just icing on a delicious cake.
No, this sexy brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 255 HP rotary engine to outrun the cops. It has special blood / gore resistant tan leather upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you are operating on yourself.
With minor modifications this beauty can easily pump up HP to 300 and with less than 2800# weight it is blazing fast. Scary fast if not for the crisp handling and suspension. This RX-7 has a manual transmission so you can shift into first gear, slam on the 4-wheel disc brakes and spin around the corner while the terrorists fall off the cliff. The brand new Bridgestone tires will keep you on the road. It has saved my bacon more than once.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $14,000, but I will entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don’t walk up and tell me you’ll give me $5,000 for it. That’s liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Let’s just say you won’t be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.
There are less than 110,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo. It has been meticulously maintained by the men in lab coats, garaged deep underground in a secret cave. It only has 20,000 miles on the new Mazda factory engine to replace the one that got shot out by The Man. It has never been wrecked because I’m a better driver than the bad guys.
Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it is a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho James Bond stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I will get back to you. And don’t be scared by my area code, the car is local and just waiting for your admiration.
Addendum: Thanks very much for sharing this ad with your friends. However, I do really need (not want) to sell this car so I can go on my next secret mission. I offer $20 to anyone who forwards the ad to someone who actually buys the car. You can use the cash to start your own first aid kit.