Welcome to FuzzyFish’s guide on:
"How to write a kill story so awesome, it will be just like having your spleen ripped out by a pirate, and turned into beef jerky"©
It’s occurred to me that lot of people don’t know how to write a kill story. So I figured I would write a helpful guide that I will update periodically as more ideas pop in my head. In this wonderful post I will cover everything from the basics to some more advanced techniques that can add some flair. Or at the very least make it readable to these of us that vaguely remember what the English language consists of.
I won’t go into the rules as chances are you “probably” read the sticky about the rules for posting. Much in the same way you probably read the read the owners manual for your car. And likewise they were already covered by the moderator for this board, and it would just be redundant.
To keep things simple I’ll keep the base story the same, a simple honda verus V-6 F-Body race. Starting with:
"I raced a Camaro with my Honda and won.
Basic Techniques
Good Grammar/Spelling
Full/good grammar sure this is the internet, and now a days it can be quite difficult with all the hustle and bustle to write out proper sentences. And most people always seem to be in such a hurry that they can’t even bother to use full words.
Now you might be thinking “Why is this important?” well lets start with an example.
Bad
i race my honduh 2day & smoked a v6 domestic POS bad he said “u suk” then i say “u suk” and did a fly by.
Good
Today I was involved in a race while driving my Civic, and got involved in a race with a V-6 Camaro. He then proceeded to say that “I sucked” which I took great offense to and returned fire with a similar compliment. He then proceeded to do a ricer fly-by to prove his manliness.
Describing the location
Now obviously you can’t use street names/locations, because the event never actually happened in the first place. But be descriptive, if it was a three-lane road with a median mention it. If you were in front of a certain building, with a stop-light. Point that out just don’t use the name of course, if you notice anything a bit unusual (ex. Some ass-hat doing something silly and bouncing around wearing a top-hat, random homeless bum staring you down, burned out sign/light, plastic bag) point it out it might make it interesting.
Example:
As we sat at the stoplight revving our engines like Paul Walker in front of a familiar office supply store. Nearby I watched a dump-truck pull off a sweet drift through the intersection followed by a plastic bag floating lazily along like a tumbleweed.
The other car
Seeing as you raced someone you might as well give some details about the car you race. Such as make, model, color, unique items, damage, the driver, etc. If it’s a domestic insert the obligatory “SIQQQ” somewhere.
Bad
Next to me was a light colored Camaro.
Good
Next to me was a lighter colored Camaro RSZ-28 IROK it almost looked like a whiteish cream color, it had some SIQQQ flaming pink vinyls with a huge cowl. It’s open and/or broken exhaust let off a mighty note from huge 2.8L engine. The broken rear window, dents, and the drivers mullet gave off the impression that it was a serial killers car. A serial killer that would take no mercy in raping my 1.5L of D-series fury if given the chance.
The Race
This is the most important part of the whole post. The meat & potatoes so to speak. What is the point of building up the story, if the race it self is complete dog-shit. Use separate paragraphs if necessary, don’t inflict the “Wall-of-text” on us.
Bad
I hit the gas and went really fast.
Good
The light turned green, I did a Fast & Furious launch bringing up the revs way too late, and dumped the clutch. Smoke poured from the clutch as it slipped due to the massive torque and neglect from my 300k old D15. The wheels hopped a bit and I started to gain on the Camaro.
Slamming second the VTEC starts to make up the torque difference and I proceed to pull a few wheel lengths on him. I shut it down at 50 as I was getting near my top-speed and didn’t want to lose my edge on the 2-3 shift. Or risk having my VTEC fall off because they are hard to put back.
Being witty
This should be obvious but keep the BS out. This isn’t meant to be a flame fest. Granted if are going to anyways, be creative about it at least. Chances are though it’s old and busted, no one cares anymore and chances are you weren’t there for any stage of it happening.
Example:
Sick 5-2 shift.
Advanced Techniques
Humor
Bits of humor can really add quite a bit to your kill story. Keep in mind you are not typing this for school so it’s
not like you are forcing it to fit any real requirements. Pretty much it’s for the following your e-Cock, a standing
record that you in fact creamed yet another pathetic sideways hat wearing loser. It doesn’t need to be “Omg, I totally roffled”, just a bit silly or odd. Humor can also make an otherwise pathetic story involving double-digit torque quite entertaining to many others. Lets look at the following two examples.
Bad
As I shifted into second my 1.5 liter engine struggled to move the car. It was pretty slow but I beat him though by a fender.
Good
As I shifted into second, I threw the pedal through the metal as my tiny pet gerbil screamed away on the hood. He just couldn’t stand up to the fury of my massive power-to-weight advantage as I schooled his redneck mullet wearing ass by a fender length!
Useless Details
Again it’s not really needed but they can add quite a bit to the story, and make it more entertaining to read. These can be anything from simple physics, surroundings, anything of little note that would normally be unimportant could add a little bit to the story. This can make boring parts more exciting for the reader, and just add a bit of much needed flair.
Bad
The light turned green, and I dumped the clutch off the line, and off I went.
Good
As the light started to turn green I quickly let up on the clutch. The action of which sent a massive surge of power through the half shafts to the wheels. They began to spin tearing apart the pavement as they spun propelling me slowly forward.
Why repetition is bad
Sometimes it’s possible to go way overboard with something, and could dull it’s edge so to speak. For instance it’s nice that your car is sleek or powerful. But don’t keep mentioning it throughout the story, it gets boring. Same goes for humor, but you can only use the hamster wheel reference so many times when describing a kill story. At the very least if it’s not avoidable just reword it so it sounds new and fresh.
Granted it’s tough to do in one paragraph to truly show how bad this is. So just pretend I used the words massive torque, and huge amount of power in every example and you’ll get the idea.
Bad Example:
My massive amounts of power allowed me to make up for my lack of traction. I proceed to throw it all on the line, massive amounts of power surging from my tiny engine. By the middle of the race the huge amount of power I had allowed me to pull on him.