(WARNING: the below contains rasist, retarded [to go with the post], stereotypical, and general asshole like statements)
Occasionaly I like to torture myself and look for bad movies just so I can poke fun at them. And I happened to come upon this gem called “G.I. Samurai”. So lets start with the cover.
Gazing upon the cover you can see complete disregard for human eyes as the cover is mostly pink and purple. On the front it has a huge fireball, a picture of a confused looking modern Japanese army dude in the back ground. And some guy in a shitty white samurai “costume” trying to look badass with a sword, come to think of it I don’t think the samurai on the cover is even in the movie.
So moving to the back we see more bad costumes, large explosions, and a samurai having sexual intercourse with a vehicle mounted machinegun. :tup:
So now on to this shipwreck of a movie!
Part 1:
Speaking of bad about a month ago I quite possibly found the worst movie EVER made! Yes, even worse than a bunch of Special-ED students on drugs attempting to remake “The Wall” with a 5 cent budget. MUCH, MUCH, MUCH worse!!! What is the name of this vile movie you ask? Why it is none other than G.I. Samurai I’d summarize the plot but sadly there is none to really describe.
Basically in a sorry attempt to describe what happens, a portion of the Japanese military is doing their thing (wandering aimlessly, like all Japanese people do!) is magicly teleported back into time. So now I’ll paraphrase the first 45 minutes of the movie, because I could NOT make it to the end. YES, IT WAS THAT BAD!!!
So to begin, it starts off with a few people from the Japanese military wandering around uselessly (just like in real life!). So they are doing their thing when suddenly(!) one of the soldiers points out to another soldier (in poorly dubed fashion of course) that his watch stopped, and the other guy looks at his. In reply (poorly dubed of course) OMFGBBQROFLLYMAYO!!$@!%!% mine did too! And of course they ask everyone else and they too are like WTFBBQ? (Also of note half of the people playing in this appear to be american, even though it’s a dubbed japanese movie). So now our brave heros suddenly stumble upon this conviently open beach to group up on. Supposedly they were supposed to meet some other aimless wanderers at this beach. Of course (WARNING: SPOILER) they aren’t there! (WARNING: END OF SPOILER) So they setup camp and stay there over night. They then all wake up in a drug induced haze, obviously indicated by by the following:
- Funny/wierd/oversampled random sounds that do not belong!
- The screen being being upside down!
- Shots of the sky changing to random bright druggy colors!
- Things moving in overly fast or reverse manner!
- Over-exposed film!
- God-like superimposed sunbeams
- Japmerican’s blends with random scenes having nothing to do with the surroundings.
- Wierd colored crashing waves
After this happens, and everyone passes out. And wake up a bit later, just in time to see a tank drive up with some more Japmericans in it. They are like LOLWHYYOUSLEEP? and the others are like WTF again. And of course the first thing they ask is “what time is it”, and of course they a like LOLMYWATCHSTOP!, soon after a helicopter flies in with more Japmerican’s in it. And also a boat comes in too (This all happens over a day after the first LOLWATCHSTOP, and a few hours after crazy psycho sky. So at this point we have a HUGE gaping hole in the plot:
- Given the time it took for the boat, and helicopter to appear shouldn’t those not in the military got teleported also?
- They seem quite accepting of the fact that something odd has happened, but they don’t know what.
So shortly after, a bunch of archers appear on a nearby cliff. The Japmerican army looks at them in an odd manner, and then they start shooting arrows. Of course the Japmerican’s are acting like canadians doing nothing. On guy gets shot in the neck it looks like one of those hat things, only for your neck. Of course he dies, Japanese leader dude tells them not to shoot back but of course the Japmerican grunt guy opens fire like the american wannabe he is, and fires a machine gun at archers killing them all in seconds. They run of course, and like morons they stay on the beach. Japanese leader dude is pissed at Japmerican grunt, bitches him out. A large portion of the Feudal Japanese army shows up with some Samurai’s of course comming in peace. Samurai is impressed, and is like “what is shiny metal horse?”. And they are like “you speak same language, you brother”, and Japanese leader dude is like BROTHAR!. It’s like a love story involving two gay Japanese dudes, and he forgets the fact that the Japmerican army just owned like 10 of his people. Soon crazy samurai guy is what is this “noisemaker that kills hundreds”. So like the morons they are they show him the machine gun, and even let him use it!
This is probably the best part of the movie, after the Samurai dude falls on his ass trying to get to the gun they help him up. And are like HERETRYGUNLOLOL, so they show him how to use it. And when he starts shooting up a forest, it’s like a fricken love story (music, camera panning, big loveydovey smiles), with gay Japanese leader helping him of course from behind (LOL). The Samurai looks like he is about to orgasm at least 3 times at the bare minimum. After the the movie dies off, there is some ownage of a village and betrayal and crap but I had to stop because I felt like tearing my brain out at this point. Not once did they really not accept the fact they were back in time, they even accepted some BS time hole theory. (WATCH OUT YOU COULD BE NEXT!) So basically I get the feeling that Japanese people are way too accepting.
Now at this point I’d like to mention my servere disapointment here. Not ONCE did I see, or hear mention to the following things anime, hentai, rice, cool gameshows, or anything generally associated with the Japanese culture.
Part 2:
So I’ll start off with G.I. Samurai (WARNING: NEVER EVER WATCH THIS IN ONE SITTING YOU WILL DIE!). Last time I watched it the G.I. dudes were pawnzing it up in feudal Japan. And Samurai dude is like “lololol lets take over world” (Ignoring the fact they would eventaully run out of fuel ammo, and other things making them useless. BUT THIS IS A MOVIE THAT HAS NO BEARING HERE!) And G.I. dude is like no we must go back. So for some reason that escapes me they attack and kill the emperor with the helicopter.
At one point some dudes run off trying to get home. Are ambushed, and fight their way out to some porno music!
Hilarity ensues, as several japanese dudes think they can fly and jump at the helicopter. And missed, but fortunatly the cliffs below broke their fall! (Whew!)
Afterwards the samurai’s being all sneaky use the G.I. to take over large parts of Japan, and then betray them starting one of the most “epic” (Read: drawn out) fighting scenes ever to grace the boob tube. Eventaully the samurai overwhelm the G.I. by sheer numbers. And the G.I. fight and fight and fight and uhhh… fight. Eventaully they are owned and surrounded even though they took out a few leaders. They see the samurai (BROATHAR) dude, and are like whew. And he is like LOLOL DUEL!!! And leader G.I. dude is like OKAY! Magically this guy can use a sword because they must train modern troops how to use a sword, and they fight for a minute or so. Then out of nowhere a hooker lady shoots leader dude with a pistol. And then the archers own all the G.I. people. But they were honorable people so they of course did the most honorable burial possible… and covered them in a blanket and burned them all to a crisp of course!
So at this point it’s like WTF? What was the point of suffering 90 minutes of my life away to find out that NO ONE survives. But the fun doesn’t end there here comes the credits, and it turns out no one really has a name. The credits are as such!
Cast:
G.I. #1
G.I. #2
Other G.I.s
Porno music fighter!
Porno music fighter! #2
Evil G.I.
Samurai Leader Prick
Random Samurai
Rape victim?
Lady in stream
Random bitch with gun.
Random people that die.
Then the movie ended about 30 seconds later, because they know how to make credits to the point!
There are a few parts I missed but they have no real bearing on the outcome of this review.
So new things I learned:
- Yes, it still sucks.
- Samurai’s lie.
- Ninjas are WAY cooler.
- Jason X is a much better movie (Not saying much)
- There is no CG. Which is kinda cool for the fight scene because there are litterally a few hundred people performing that scene. Though the 20 person long credits would fail to show/uncover that.
- Explosions are cool.
- Everyone dies (Woot!)
- Don’t leave a long rope attached a helicopter.
- If we were to be suddenly attacked by a few million japanese dudes and samurais in bad costumes. We would be fucked, period.
- This maybe the worst movie ever made!
Now you maybe we asking where can I find this craptasic piece of viewing. Sadly I doubt you could rent it from anywhere. Only things I can think of are.
- Internet. (Importers, ebay for like a penny)
- Flea markets
- Your local dumpster.
All in all I give it: :tdown: :tdown: :tdown: :tdown: :tdown: of 5.
