Favorite Internet Scams v. "Captain Chris Close Combat Training"

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There’s gotta be a million of those dumb center-scrolling ad websites on the interwebz. They all look the same, appear to be made by the same person, and they’re all trying to sell some piece of garbage for 3 low low payments.

My favorite I stumbled on this morning (thanks to cracked.com) is CAPTAIN CHRIS’ CLOSE COMBAT TRAINING (!!!). Man is it a piece of work.

http://closecombattraining.com/

Don’t be surprised if people “all the suddenly” react different to you. Start treating you with more respect. And instantly know by the way you move and the look in your eye…

You’re NOT Someone
To Screw Around With!

It literally cannot be defended against.

      It cannot be countered by even the most advanced martial arts blocks and evasions.

      And it cannot technically even "fail." 

      This is no joke.

      With Close Combat Training, you can literally paralyze a man twice your size and weight even if you miss what you are trying to hit!

What’s even more awesome is how ridiculous all that is after watching the short clips on the website. These super duper unblockable instantly paralyzing death moves are basically a “karate chop” that you do wildly to anywhere above the shoulders.

List of awesome:

  • Tons of out of control spelling errors

  • Try to close the page out; instantly reduces price and yells at you

  • “As Seen In” isn’t supposed to mean “Placed An Ad In”

  • Tons of bolded, underlined, italicized, highlighted WORDS!

  • Epic douchebag gaze

  • Uses intense WARNING!!! message to get you to click on the link.

WARNING: Do Not Read This If You Have Moral, Ethical Or Religious Reasons Against Hurting (Or Even Killing) Someone Who Violently Attacks You, Your Wife Or Your Kids

And yep, you guessed it, this program is:

BANNED BY THE GOVERNMENT!!!

DEVELOPED IN A SECRET LAB, BY BILLIONAIRES, TO PROTECT AGAINST NAZIS!! (wait wtf)

CAN BE LEARNED IN MINUTES!!!

Even though it costs $14,987.00 per lesson to learn this system in my private school… I have just “arranged” it so you can learn this advanced combat system in the privacy of your own home… FREE.

Best part of this is apparently 30,000 people have been retarded enough to buy it for almost a hundred bucks each. :picard:

Anyway hilarious read if you’re bored at work. I definitely recommend watching the videos.

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DEVELOPED IN A SECRET LAB, BY BILLIONAIRES, TO PROTECT AGAINST NAZIS!!

I think I should start signing all the source code I write with this. It makes everything sound more awesome.

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first thing that came to mind:

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Haha I love the napoleon dynamite guy.

Bas Rutten self-defense FTW.

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Is this like the

I got jacked in 4 weeks without protein, supplements, hitting the gym or lifting weights by obeying one rule that was discovered 7billion years ago that all of a sudden everyone forgot" ? And they show some ripped dude lol

edit: Lol, jesus christ at that video hahaha
and then when i went to click a new window, captain chris yells, WAIT. In a stern fearless voice, and then gives me 30$ off his already rediculous low offer! :lol:

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I hate the “one simple trick to whiten your teeth, discovered by a mom!” Like it matters.

(or works, lol)

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haha yeah, there’s SO many of these! The four basic ones:

ADD FOUR INCHES TO YOUR DICK IN ONE WEEK!! FOR FREE!!11!1ELEVEN

GAIN 25LBS OF MUSCLE IN JUST TWO WEEKS! WITHOUT GOING TO THE GYM!

BLOWTORCH(!!) 25LBS OF FAT OFF YOUR BODY IN JUST TWO WEEKS!!*

WHITEN YOUR TEETH WITH TWO SIMPLE TRICKS DISCOVERED BY A MOM!!11

*This one is awesome because it’s related to Captain Chris:

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Fixed

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The self defense one is so funny. I went to the site to check it out and when I went to go back to the previous website the page says to “Wait” and another window comes up and takes $30 bucks off of the price for the dvd’s. Lol

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lolbros.