Funny joke for no1baller

PittSpeed Automotive PittSpeed Off Topic
1

A senator dies and goes to heaven. As he stands before St. Peter and the Pearly Gates, he notices a large number of clocks on the the wall.

“St. Peter, what are all those clocks on the wall”

“Oh, those are lie-clocks. Every person on earth has one. Every time you tell a lie the hand moves”

“ahh, i see… who’s clock is that?”

“thats Mother Teresa’s clock. She’s never told a lie so the hands have never moved”

“wow, thats amazing… who’s clock is that?”

“Thats Aberham Lincoln’s clock. He’s only told two lies his whole life so the hands have only moved twice.”

“Equally impressive… might I ask which one is George W. Bush’s clock?”

“Oh, that one isnt here. Jesus keeps it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan…”

:kekegay:

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pm

3

fist yourself?

4

you’re retarded.

5

cant,ur dicks in my ass

6

fist yourself?

7

wishful thinking?

8

:greddy:

try harder to be funny please.

9

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they’re intelligent.

“I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.”

She phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”

Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.”

“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”

“Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he’d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, “Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”

“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?”

“Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?” Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

“Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?” Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course, you dumb ass.” Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!” And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, you dumb ass, It’s Tony Blair!”

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you know you giggled.

11

heres one you’ll like
Dear Red States…

We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
we’re taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We
believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially
to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot
Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.
We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You
get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states
pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at
once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have
kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no
purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their
children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and
hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our
resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)
90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most
of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and
condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale,
Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care
costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred
unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say
that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved
in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people
with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt
weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States

From now on, I’ll connect the dots my own way.
-Calvin, Calvin and
Hobbes

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:greddy2: too long…lost interest half way!!

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darkstar jokes>No1baller attempt at a joke

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im surprised you made it half way…those hooked on phonics must be working…good job

15

that would be the sweetest thing ever. :bowdown:

16

um, ya. That would be sweet. Then you hippie bastard can sit around and give each other blow jobs and pay for your population to get lazier, and lazier. Then, it will get to a point when the people that work their asses off get tired of supporting your lazy, bicycle seat sniffing, pot smoking, crying about their ex that cheated on them, asses. They will for a political party called the republic of new cali. Then they will allow guns.

17

blue states > red states. end of discussion.

but in all honesty, most places in this country are purplish

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:ugh2:

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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: you are so :owned:

guns always win at paper, rock, scissors

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:ugh2: