joke thread

PittSpeed Automotive PittSpeed Off Topic
1

heres my contribution

One day, Lil’ Johnny goes over to his Grand-Dad’s house and is sitting out on the porch with his grandfather.
> > >
Grandpa is drinking a beer and the little boy asks if he can have a
sip.
> > >
“Can your dick touch your asshole?” replies Grandpa.
> > >
Johnny says.No.
> > >
So the grandpa says “Well, then you arent old enough yet to drink beer”.
> > >
Johnny goes back to his grandparents house about a week later and is again sitting on the poarch with grandpa, and again asks if he can have a sip of grandpa’s beer.
> > >
Grandpa says, “Can your dick touch your asshole yet?”
> > >
Johnny says it still cant.
> > >
So Grandpa say “Sorry, but youre still not old enough yet”
> > >
Lil’ Johnny goes inside where Grandma gives him a plate of fresh
cookies.
> > >
He goes back outside and Grandpa asks him if he can have one.
> > >
“Can YOUR dick touch YOUR asshole, Grandpa?”
> > >
“Sure can” says Grandpa.
> > >
Lil’ Johnny says, “Well good for you, then go fuck yourself, cuz
these are my cookies”

2

Originally posted by Gnocide
Lil’ Johnny says, “Well good for you, then go fuck yourself, cuz
these are my cookies”

:rofl: :owned:

3

Heres my joke:

Buicks that came stock with turbochargers.

:rofl:

I crack myself up sometimes…

:embarass:

4

So theres this fish in a lake and looks up and sees a fly,he says if the fly comes down i,ll jump and catch it.

So theres this bear by the lake and says if that fly comes down the fish will jump and i will catch the fish

So theres this guy in the woods hunting and he sees the bear ,Well he says if the fly goes down the fisj will jump up and the bear will go after the fish and i,ll shoot him

So theres this squriell behind the hunter and says,if the fly goes down and the bear swats and the hunter shoots the sandwitch from his back pocket wil fall out and i,ll get my lunch

So theres this mouse behind the squirell and he says,if the fly goes down,the bear,swats,the hunter shoots,the squirell gets his sandwich and i,l take the cheese

So theres this cat behind the mouse,and he,s thinking that if te fly goes down,the bear swats,the hunter shoots,the squirell gets his sandwich,the mouse gets his cheese and ill get the mouse…
so it all goes down,the fly lands the fish jumpsthe bear swats the hunter shoots,the squirell gets his sandwich,the nouse gets his cheese and turns around to see the cat and runs into the lake while the cat chases him in…Whats the moral of the story?

When the fly goes down the pussy gets wet

:smiley:

5

people posting on pittspeed that dont even live in pittsburghs surrounding areas (HELL NOT EVEN IN THE TRI STATE,NOW THATS A FUCKIN JOKE)

6

Originally posted by sti/rosewoodT
people posting on pittspeed that dont even live in pittsburghs surrounding areas (HELL NOT EVEN IN THE TRI STATE,NOW THATS A FUCKIN JOKE)
:rofl:

7

whats the definition of blonde paint?

something that covers well and spreads easily :eek3:

8

so this guys walkin down the street and he finds a genie lamp on the sidewalk. He rubs it 3 times a genie pops out and says "i will grant you 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for your boss gets twice as much.

Thing is this guy really really despises his boss, but after givin it some thought he says that he wishes for 10 million dollars.

“wish granted” says the genie, but this guy can’t get over the fact that his boss has 20 million. After giving it some thought the guy says "fuck the 3rd wish, give me this one last wish and we’ll call it even.

Genie says “ok, what is it.” Beat me half to death.

9

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson who?

Congratulations! You’re on the jury.

10

Originally posted by Darkstar
Heres my joke:

Buicks that came stock with turbochargers.

:rofl:

I crack myself up sometimes…

:embarass:

last i heard you were having sex

with the same sax

11

A guy wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until, one day,
he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It
is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks
the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

“Well, it’s quite simple, really,” says the seller, “whenever the bike is
outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it
from the rain.” And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, “I have
to tell you something about my family before we go in.”

“When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”

“No problem,” he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty
dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So
he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over
and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes
off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her
parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid,
and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. “She’s got a great body,” he thinks. So he grabs the
mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which
way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her
dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, “All right,
thats enough, I’ll do the ****ing dishes!”

12

Originally posted by slowcamaro
A guy wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until, one day,
he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It
is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks
the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

“Well, it’s quite simple, really,” says the seller, “whenever the bike is
outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it
from the rain.” And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, “I have
to tell you something about my family before we go in.”

“When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”

“No problem,” he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty
dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So
he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over
and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes
off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her
parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid,
and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. “She’s got a great body,” he thinks. So he grabs the
mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which
way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her
dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, “All right,
thats enough, I’ll do the ****ing dishes!”

:rofl:

hahahahah that shit was hilarious

13

Originally posted by sti/rosewoodT
people posting on pittspeed that dont even live in pittsburghs surrounding areas (HELL NOT EVEN IN THE TRI STATE,NOW THATS A FUCKIN JOKE)

werd. Good thing my legal residence is still listed as Pittsburgh, or I would think that comment was directed towards me.

:itr41:

:booty:

14

Bullfrogs & Blowjobs

A woman went to a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didnt want to spend a fortune.

Well, “said the clerk” I have a very large bullfrog. They say its been trained to give blowjobs!

“Blowjobs!?” the women replied.

"It hasnt been proven but weve sold 30 of them this month. "he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if its true…no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained the froggy’s ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. “What are you two doing at this hour?” she asked.

The husband replied, “If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone!”

15

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed
when his wife complained, as usual, “I have a headache.”
“Perfect,” her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my
d1ck with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it’s up
to you!

16

A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case. The problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife screamed and jumped up and said: Your Honor. I brought the child into the world with all the pain and labor. The child should be in my custody."

The judge turned to the husband and said: “What do you have to say in your defence?”

The man sat for a while contemplating then slowly rose. “Your Honor… If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi comes out… Whose Pepsi is it… the machine’s or mine?”

17

:bowrofl:

18

http://smiliesftw.com/x/rofld.gif

19

that was funny as hell :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

20

:bowrofl: :bowrofl: :bowrofl: :bowrofl: :bowrofl: