why are pirates pirates???
because they ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!
how do you know a cat burglar was in your house?
your cat is gone
why did the girl fall off the swing?
because she had no arms!!!
A small synagogue was being audited by the IRS. The auditor was young and conniving; the Rabbi, old and wise.
"I've noticed you use a lot of candles," said the auditor. "What do you do with all of the wax drippings?"
"Oh," replied the Rabbi, "We collect all of the drippings and send them to the candle makers. Every so often, they send us a complete box of candles for free."
The auditor thought for a moment, unwilling to accept defeat. "I've noticed you use a lot of matzo here. What do you do with all of the crumbs?" he asks.
The Rabbi patiently replies, "We collect all of the crumbs, and send them back to the maker. Every so often, they send us a complete box for free."
The auditor becomes visibly agitated by the Rabbi's answers for everything. Finally, he thinks he has something. "I've noticed you perform a lot of circumcisions here. What do you do with all of the left over foreskins?"
The Rabbi pauses, then says, "We collect all of the foreskins from the circumcisions. We send them to the IRS and, every so often, they send us a huge dick."Hellmann’s Mayonnaise - a bit of history.
Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as-
Sinko De Mayo.
What do a woman and a condom have in common?
They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick!
I chuckled. :tup:
With a sheep under his arm, a man walks into his bedroom and stands in front of his wife.
“This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache,” he says.
The wife looks at him and replies, “That’s not a pig, it’s a sheep.”
He answers, “I wasn’t talking to you.”
That’s fucking hilarious.
im dying at work lol
^^^ did you guys see his casket? It had his name on it… 
A woman goes to her doctor’s office, to discuss a strange development. She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won’t wash off, they won’t scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse. The doctor assures her he’ll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back. A few days later, the woman’s phone rings. Much to her relief, it’s the doctor… She immediately begs to know what’s causing the spots. The doctor says, ‘You’re perfectly healthy – there’ s no problem. But I’m wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?". The woman stammers, ‘Why, Yes, but how did you know?’.> ‘Tell him his earrings aren’t real gold.’
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the Fresh Prince.
?
Highlight the white text. C’mon Fry youve been around long enough.
A man is at the airport ticket counter, where he is being attended to by a particularly voluptious woman. “I’d like a ticket to Titsburgh please- I mean Pittsburgh!” The older gentleman behind him, overhearing this, says, “Don’t worry about it son, it happens to all of us. Why just this morning I was having breakfast with my wife. What I meant to say was “please pass the syrup” but what came out was “Fuck you, you bitch, you ruined my life!”
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A man is sitting on the table at his doctor’s office, where he has come in complaining of terrible joint pain. The doctor says to him ”You really need to stop masturbating.” When the man asks why, the doctor replies “Because I’m trying to examine your knee.”
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She gagged.
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Two tampons are walking down the street. Which one stops to say hello?
Neither. They were both stuck up bitches.
Bump!
why do women fake orgasms during sex ?
because they think men care
[QUOTE=EvilJay;1040691]How do you catch a unique bird?
How do you catch a tame bird?
with a three wood, with a shovel
So im walking my pet giraffe around town the other day. I got thirsty and i saw an old pub aways ahead. I walked in, sat down at the bar, and order a beer and a bowl of water for my giraffe. I could tell he was tied because he fell asleep on the ground. One beer turned into six and i was getting a little loopy do i decided it was time to leave. I paid the tab and started walking towards the door when the barkeep yells to me “hey you cant leave this lyin here!” I turn to him and say “Its not a lion, its a giraffe!”
Your spelling was horrible, but once I deciphered it … I loled
Jesus and Moses were out on the lake one day having a nice conversation.
Jesus asked Moses, “Hey Moses, remember when you parted the Red Sea? Do you think you could do that again?”
Moses replies, “Yea no problem at all!” He stands up, raises his hands, and parts the lake.
Moses then asks Jesus, “Hey Jesus, remember when you walked on water? Do you think you could do that again?”
Jesus stands up all proud and says. “Sure!” He walks to the edge of the boat, swings his legs over and falls right into the water.
Moses: “Well I guess that would have worked a lot better without holes in your feet!”,