who is shitty faux-hawk meathead dudebro?
^seriously? lol
and lol at the second attempt with the nun joke. :lol:
lame/hack joke?
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room.
As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, ‘Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don’t fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you.’
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: ‘Dear, I’m so relieved you feel that way. You’re right, he hasn’t seen a woman in years, but he wasn’t kissing my neck…He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you’re really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too.’
A little boy tells his mom, “I have diarrhea, and I need some Viagra !”
Puzzled she asks, “why?”
He says, “You tell dad all the time that if he took Viagra, his shit will get hard!”
so two bitches are sittin outside smoking. It starts raining so the one pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cig. The other girl asks her what she’s doing and she simply replies “This way it doesn’t get wet!” so the next day when she goes to the drugstore she asks the clerk for a box of condoms. He… asks her what size she needs and she says “Doesn’t matter, as long as it fits a camel!”
Dawn, that was terrible.
Why don’t they open any Walmarts in Iran?
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Too many Targets…
i believe you stole that from melissa…
A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.
Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:
“FREEZE, MUTHAFUKA!!”
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DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
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ONE TEQUILA, TWO TE QUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
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ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
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IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
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THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
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I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
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WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
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IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9… IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
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IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
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WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”
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WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
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IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
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WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
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WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
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IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
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CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
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IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
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WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
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HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
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WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
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ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
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DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
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DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
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HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
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IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
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IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28… IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
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WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE ‘S’ IN IT?
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WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED “HEMORRHOIDS” INSTEAD OF “ASSTEROIDS”?
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WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?
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WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
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IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
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CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
lol some of those were really good.
Bump
So a kid is staying the night at his grandma’s and walks in on his grandma getting out of the shower. She is like well your old enough now these are my boobs this is my beaver… Well a couple days later he goes back home and just happens to catch his mom getting out of the shower. She says well son your old enough, these are my boobs and this is my beaver. The kid says well grandma’s beaver must be sick its tongue is hanging out…
Thread revival!
Talking Dog For Sale
This guy sees a sign in front of a house “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.“You talk?” he asks.“Yep,” the mutt replies."So, what’s your story?"The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what hewants for the dog. The owner says “Ten dollars.” The guy says he’ll buy him but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?” The owner replies, “He’s such a fucking liar.”
A gentleman visiting Vegas for the first time really wants to experience sex with a prostitute…
After walking the streets for a while, he encounters one and brings her back to his hotel room.
He asks “how much for a handjob?”. The prostitute replies “Fifty Dollars”.
“Fifty dollars!? Holy shit! That’s absurd!” screams the man.
The prostitute walks over to the window of the hotel and motions the man over. Reluctantly the man agrees and joins the prostitute at the window.
“You see that Wendy’s restaurant right there?” the prostitute asks, pointing down at the street from the window. “I bought that restaurant with all the handjobs I’ve given.”
“Holy shit, you must be fantastic!” says the man and he agrees to the handjob.
After he receives the handjob, he can’t fucking believe how god damned amazing it was. “Absolutely the best hand job, I’ve ever received. How much for a blow job?”
“One-hundred dollars” replies the prostitute.
Again, the man can’t believe how expensive this hooker is. “How good are your blowjobs”, asks the man.
Again, the prostitute scurries over to the window and points out a McDonald’s and Arby’s restaurant. “With the blowjob’s I’ve given, I purchased those two restaurants.” claims the prostitute.
“Well, I can’t argue with that. I’ve got to give it a go” says the man as he tosses her a crisp $100 bill.
Afterwards the man is enthralled. He can’t believe how ridiculously splendid the blow job he just recieved was. The man is in love. He can’t resist the final temptation.
“How much for that fucking pussy? I bet you have the best fucking pussy around.” claims the man.
The prostitute rises up from the bed and walks over to the window, and says “You see that casino across the street and the big gold one about 3 blocks down?” asks the prostitute.
"Yes! Oh my god, you’ve been able to purchase two casino’s with your revenue from your pussy?! asks the man.
“No” replies the prostitute. “Those are the two casino’s I’d be able to buy if I had a pussy”.
A husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”
She says, “I’d take half, then leave you.”
“Excellent,” he replies, "I won 12 bucks, here’s $6, now get the fuck out.”
^ili.
Too soon?
Did you hear about the new boy band in Haiti?
It’s called “New Block on the Kids”
…
i fell on ice yesterday
when i got up my wallet, keys, and i-pod were gone
must of been black ice
:roflpicard: I almost feel bad about laughing at that…