-
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There’s
a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. -
New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window
unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily , it was only
a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it
alive. -
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their
hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
description for these kids: lucky bastards. -
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards, you’re gay. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your
idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men. -
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done. -
New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your
flavored water. -
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just
solved the Social Security crisis. -
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
assshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one
NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge assshole. -
New Rule: I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding
my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the
amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter”
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don’t have time for that. I’ve
just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine! -
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass.
And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant.
You’re not spiritual. You’re just high. -
New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive
Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just
too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
They’re already doing that. It’s called " The Howard Stern Show." -
New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&M. If I’m extra hungry for
M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two. -
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just
for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting. -
New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint
like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want
to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. -
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know
in months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a
cheese. And I didn’t care in the first place. -
New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens.
Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.
- New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
attendants. … I can’t even tell if he’s
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish.
i have wondered this many times myself … many many times … while incredibly intoxicated
that kind of intoxicated where i would park my S-10 on the top level of the ramp so that i could hide i n the bed inder the cover for a while to sober up before attempting to drive home
its not a pretty thought when your THAT drunk
then they want a tip… wtf, i’m not giving you a dollar cuz you handed me a paper towel, i’ll rip off my own peice and use my dollar for another drink
I always wondered that too, you guys ever see the bathroom attendant at “Quote” downtown? WTF is up with that guy, that’s the only place ive ever seen an attendant in a bar. Anyone know if he’s actually employed there or if he just likes to hang out in the bathroom?
level amd mcmonkeeys always had one of those guys too, dont remember if it was the same guy switching between bars tho
sphere sometimes had a dude too
there used to be one at Sundowner. I haven’t been there in a couple years though…since I can drink legally here. At least they don’t have to clean the bathroom itself. lol
oh yeah, wasn’t there a midget woman in the mens room at level? sat on a stool with mints and things lol
my bro went to some titty bar that the bathroom attendant had coffee grounds that were tied up in a coffee filter and he would rub it on you to cover up the titty bar smell. Seemed like a good plan.
omg i saw her once … THAT was weird … i felt like a porno was about to happen
lol :rolf: those are good
That midget woman scares the shit out of me. I just hold it until I get on the dance floor.
- New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
assshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one
NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge assshole.
This one is so true…seen it.