They’re not and they don’t need to. Google is actually a government sponsored entity created by the CIA for the sole purpose of monitoring individuals on a global scale. Everything you search for using Google, every link you click, the e-mails you send and receive (if you use g-mail), the places you look at using Google Earth, etc. are tracked by the CIA. This information is compiled and evaluated continuously and you, citizen, are ranked on a 10 point scale. A ranking of “1” means that you are not considered to be any threat to the US Government. A “10” on the other hand means quite the opposite. Most “normal” people, in the US at least, rank between two and four.
Google Earth was a recent addition to the Google arsenal and was initially based on a theory of human behavior developed during the early 90s. The “ET” theory (named for the extraterrestrial being in the Spielberg film “E.T.” that constantly rambled on about going home) as it is known holds that in 99% of all cases, the first location people search for when using computer based mapping software is their own home or current location. The Google Earth software is linked to a network of high Earth orbit satellites equipped with small, but extremely dense, semi-guided projectiles that can be directed toward almost any point on the planet. Formerly known as the “Brilliant Pebbles” concept, this weapon system was developed during the Reagan administration’s “Star Wars” or Strategic Defense Initiative program. Only about 27% of the Earth’s surface is not covered by the Google Earth satellite network and most of the areas not covered are unpopulated artic or oceanic regions.
The Google search engine, G-Mail, the Google ranking system (the real ranking system mind you) and Google Earth application are all highly integrated. If an individual is ranked a “10” by Google, the Google Earth system then targets the individual’s home (or the first place he/she searched) and/or other probable locations and executes its attack program (or “defense” program as the government calls it) by launching its “Brilliant Pebbles” towards Earth. Recent modifications to the system have tied the Google ranking system to the national threat level. During times when the threat level is determined to be high (orange) or severe (red), the Google ranking threshold is relaxed to nine and eight respectively.
As of yet, the system has not been used on targets located in the continental United States for fear of public outcry if the system was discovered. The Google Earth satellites were first used on targets in Iraq and Afghanistan on a test basis and have since been used only to target individuals outside the US. For individuals ranked “10” who are located in the United States, the Google system automatically enters such people into numerous contests, sweepstakes, lotteries, etc. tens of thousands of times. Advertisements for travel agencies and online ticketing services (Orbitz, Travelocity, etc.) are automatically directed toward the individual in a further bid to get the person to leave the country. These targeted advertisements usually offer greatly discounted pricing. Once the person arrives at his/her destination outside the US, the Google Earth system then launches its attack and destroys the threat. The system is 90% effective in getting someone to leave the country within six months.
So if you find yourself receiving a lot of what appears to be junk e-mail (when using G-mail at least) or you happen to win a free vacation one day – call your attorney immediately. It is also highly advised that you put your tinfoil hat on now.
http://www.shacknews.com/ja.zz?id=10986565
I think this guy takes the cake for most paranoid this year. Or he’s really creative. Either way, I laughed my ass off at this one (pay attention to the second paragraph)
Cliff notes(for the lazy): Google is an evil government conspiracy to track every person in the world, and other funny stuff.