SRS BZNS' words of wisdom

[n_cole]

@car ramrod

what das thou speaketh of?

I’m talking about this:

@JClark

Why you son of a bitch. Who the hell do you think you are, Ronald? You dont want to make my list of scoundrels with such company as one Benjamin T Fizzle. I expect you to remove this expeditiously and make reparations for the damage my reputation has suffered.

@SRS BZNS

I will do nothing of the sort kind sir. It is a custom in my land for lords to meet every Fortnight and injest mead and beast and speak of the lives of the peasantry. Yet thou dost travel far and wide with thy bravarian peasant wagon chasing other peasants. Thy fellow lords grow weary of your absence from ye olde tavern. Is thy a peasnt or a rich silver tongued lord? Does thy not like a fine maidens bossom? Does thy prefer the coarse strands or another gentlemans chest?

@JClark

Ronald, your persistence in this matter is vexes me terribly. I know not why you draw upon assumptions of homosexuality to explain my absence from the taverns of yore that we once reigned supreme; over the hoards of harlots clutching to their youth. These tales of years past suffice to explain my dedication to objectification of wenches and not these course strands on another gentleman’s chest.

Your unwillingness to comply with my terms forces my hand. Henceforth, a single outburst in this manner will cause me to deploy the elite soldiers of my lands to rain fire upon your fiefdom. These warriors at my command are not the lawless vagabonds that make up your ranks. They come with trebuchets and several batallions of archers. Surely you have heard the stories of my officers leading my armies into battle against Benjamin T Fizzle, the Archduke of Sitterly.

King JClark IV of Richmondshire

@SRS BZNS

My dearest king I know of your treachery in using petty weasels and ferrets against my fellow man Benjamin. It was indeed I that sent him to spy upon your mear trebuchets and well trained knights. What you my dear sir do not understand that i dost not have any form of concern for the mongrels that inhabit my great fiefdom. I infact have taken and dispatched with most of them. This dismissal of enjoyment of breathe by my peasants may make my arms seem like lawless vagabonds but indeed i assure you they are a force to be reconned with. For my staggering vagabonds are indeed zombie warriors who ride zombie bears. We have also fashioned a rudimentary projectile weapon that shoots great burning balls of fire from ones hand. Air firey spheres shall pierce your armor from far off distances and my great furry beasts shall feast upon the innards of your peasants and we will burn all your grass shanties to the ground.

ONWARD ZOMBIE BEAR CAVALRY!!! ONWARD TO VICTORY

@SRS BZNS

Ronathan Thomas Esquire LaDue JR III actually

And this:

@JClark

Benjamin -

I’m disappointed at how you’ve decided to handle this situation. You haven’t replied to several PMs where I tried to rectify the problem. Instead you chose to fabricate this lie, this story, to attempt to degrade my personal reputation to the members of this fine forum.

Folks - Please do not believe this lie. I stopped by Benjamin’s house to purchase select goods from him from a certain purple scrap pile. I courteously introduced myself to Benjamin’s neighbors while he was several hours late for our meeting. By now it was dark and Ben had brought several short, white, Italian males with him wearing torn jeans and black leather jackets. Nervously, I left the money with Benjamin. Immediately, the short, white, Italian males began to bludgen me with baseball bats and other blunt, club-like objects. I made a desperate dash for my truck but quickly nabbed the “trunk vent” off the parts car. I ran screaming while being chased by the guido hoard, lept through my truck’s window, slammed it into 4wd Low and ripped across Benjamin’s lawn to escape.

I chose to let my ordeal pass and call it even seeing as this has been the easiest transaction I have had thus far with Benjamin.

But I must warn you, if this continues, I will not purchase further items from you.

I hope we can resolve this with words. If not, please bring it on as I can lob open paint cans from my house to yours with the new trebuchet in my back yard. Welcome to Clifton Park, fuckface.

Cordially,
Jesse

@bennyfizzle

What a snarled web of lies.

I chose to air this dirtiest of laundry in this way in order to warn the public of your questionable business practices. I have replied to your private messages with sincerity, and to no avail, still having not received the agreed upon sum.

The “White, Italian thugs” you are referring to were merely my landlords ferrets. They do not have opposable thumbs, and therefore are incapable of carrying bats or any other “club-like” objects. Also, I assure you their jackets were of a polyester blend, not leather.

I was also unaware of the damage your battle cruiser did to my Fief, I will evaluate the damage when I get home, take pictures, and inform my landlord.

The ferrets will not be pleased.

I have also warned my Lord of your possession of aforementioned Trebuchet, attacks on his land will not be tolerated.

@JClark

Benjamin - I warn you not to continue your smear campaign against my reputation, my honor, and my legacy on this earth. Your unprofessional behavior through this has been appalling and your ghastly retelling of our recent encounter is pure fallacy. The jackets were most certainly constructed of a dyed natural cowhide - NOT the “pleather” you refer to.

Be assured and forewarned that my trebuchet is not a subject of laughter or childish hyperbole. It is over 8 fathoms high, constructed of thick, creeky timber, and is quintessential ‘Lord of the Rings’ up in this bitch. According to Google Maps, your new place of residence is a mere 5 miles from my fortress as the crow flies. I could walk it in nary a fortnight. BE ASSURED, once again, Benjamin, that I chunks of castle wall, rotting fruit, my neighbors obnoxious dog, and other unsavory items can easily rain down upon you with a mere snap of fingers.

I trust that you will now be a gentleman about the situation and dissuade your short, white, Italian males and their ferrets against further exacerbation of the present situation. I have tried to resolve this peacefully and privately but I will defend myself as necessary if I am further provoked. Beest thou a homo no longer.

With best intentions,
Jesse Q Clark, III. Esq.

@bennyfizzle

After a 72hr journey the ferrets tunneled into Mr. Clark’s bathroom. Once at their destination they collected various hair products and a shocking variety of personal lubricants to the sum of 80usd. The debt is settled. I say good day sir.