When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex.
I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor
high
water was going to stand between me and my final destination.
I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well.
Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder
that
sometimes cause my shit to become large and quite solid while still
inside
me. I wasn’t aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just
thought
everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones.
I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into
the
gun for several days.
Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to
ourselves.
She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents
bed.
I walk in to a candle holocaust. She’s been working on this all day
apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights
off.
Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance
for me.
At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a
female
at
that age, I pity the fool.
Now I’m sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her
how
good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the
dull
throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal
discomfort
associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get
hard
and
we go to town.
She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I
even
smack her ass (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my
built
up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can’t stop
moaning
and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man
wants to
hear “I want to make you go in my mouth.” I **** love women.
So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head
department but at least she tried. She pops my **** out of her mouth
long
enough to look up at me and say “tell me if you like this”. Then I
feel
it.
She stuck her finger up my ass.
My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body
locks
up
tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.
I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL shit, all over her parents
comforter.
No, you aren’t understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your
largest
shit and multiple it by forty-two and you’ll have an idea of what flew
out
of me. And gents, when I say flew, I don’t mean “I pooped.” I mean
“projectile”. I mean “hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella
stand”.
And
due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly
harpoon.
I know it hit her. I didn’t see it. She ran screaming “OH MY GOD
OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW” but I always imagined that, due to her
position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the tits.
I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom
door
shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds.
It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire
fire.
I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I’ve ever
heard
of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I
noticed
the pain.
Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a
little
bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip
the
next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of
blood
where my ass had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment
I
lost
my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.
I grab my shit with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I
throw
around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it
and
only
add to my already significant woes.
I stand there, holding 2/3’s of my biggest shit of all time, feeling a
trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain
stabbing
my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.
Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet
paper
between my cheeks (I skipped the band aid) and went upstairs. I could
hear
my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to
say
anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room
was
abysmal. Its like when you take a shit and walk out of the bathroom
you
think “hey not so bad today,” but then you walk back in to grab your
magazine and go “HOLY SHIT!”. It was one of those moments.
The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame.
My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got
dressed
since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more
like
a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way ut
and
drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets
since the
blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of
the GF
but at this point I considered it a blessing.
I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on
spin,
knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let
alone
Tide and Snuggles.
Then I left. I avoided my GF’s calls for days until she came to my
house. We
had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with
“breaking up
with me because I shit on her”. And it was all over.
She promised not to tell a soul and I don’t THINK she ever did. She
was
probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always
remember this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever
happened to
me.)
