im not talking about sharting or finding a little steak nugget in your draws but a full on 2-taper with frosting consistancy, shit.
had some food at the wellington pub (sp)
i sit down and order a cheese burger wich i was sharing with my friend and 10 hot wings wich would also be shared.
already knowing this is a bad mix from future experiences i decided to go along with it anyway.
food was great! good price too.
as we walk to the car i enjoy a smoke (wich doesnt help this situation)
as soon as i hit the thruway i get the gurgles.
no big deal i say to myself ill just give birth when i get home…
now i live in west seneca wich is about 20-30 mins depending on conditions to get home.
so the whole way i got one thing on my mind, getting home.
as i reach the 400, im on the final stretch, and this is when you say in your head
“almost home.just alittle longer.2 more minutes”
so like usual, being so close i really gotta shit now.
i was dizzy from holding my balloon knot so tight.
BAM! i see union road exit “o thank god!”
big problem tho…even tho i live about 1 minute from the exit i CANNOT wait any longer.
“pull into tim hortons!!!”
the minute i make it to the front door, wich is opened for me by a previous costumer my sphincter decideds its had enough.
straight chocolate milk shake starts escaping.
i cant do anything except continue to the mens room and keep the firm grip on my pants to hopefully slow down the eruption.
as i open the stall door i drop trou.
the swift 180 i pull to position for the toliet seat did nothing but further coat the wall, handicap wall bar and top section of the toilet in the sloppiest, most disgusting 40 year old alchohilic mans shit youve ever seen.
i dont think watching my first born child could make me as happy as to be sitting on a shit covered toilet at this point.
ok im done shitting.
time to take a look at the damage.
- the wall looks like a jugular pumping hot creamy fudge was severed in close proximity
-im sitting on an already slippery toilet seat wich is now covered in brown mashed potatoes and gravy
-my pants, wich were nice clean $90 jeans that someone took the time to design and manufacture, and tryed so hard to be sold to me by the sweet young girl at buckle are now covered in hot chocolate lava squeezed hot from my tired and sweaty asshole.
so i remove my pants.
hung them up on coat hook.
spent 20 mins wiping what i could off.
removed boxers (wich were thrown in garbage, could not be saved)
wiped my ass/legs 47 times.
and made my 12 second journey home where i took a 3 hour post rape like shower.
and this is the first time ive ever shit my pants.