Ze Random Snack Review Thread

NYSpeed Automotive NYSpeed Off Topic
1

So I got bored at work after a taxing day of listening to brain-dead “I don’t understand what you mean by power button” people. So on my lunch break I decided what better way to celebrate the time-honored tradition of lunch at 8 in the evening than hitting up a ghetto gas station on Niagara St. and buying some random snacks that would guarantee me a heart-attack by the age of 30.

So after a quick 5 minute trip in the roflcopter. I arrive at my destination, and much like every gas station it’s run by indian dudes that staff it at all hours of the day. And don’t speak a word of engish adding to the classy culturesque atmosphere.

While I’m there I get the usual assorment of snacks. And I stumble upon something that could easy kill me in one sitting.

WALLACE’S TASTY PORK STRIPS
with skin attached

All neatly packed in a unsanitary looking clear plastic bag that probably has been sitting there for the past two decades or so. Holding 2 1/4oz. of what looked to be a bunch of curly fries.

Looking at the back it fit my requirements of surefire artery clogging death.

13% Saturated Fats
7% Cholesterol
8% Sodium

Now you might be thinking how is this notable for a small bag of rancid pork strips. Well it’s notable because this all occurs in a not so small 1/2 oz serving. This means that if somehow you can scarf down the entire bag in one sitting which would be next to impossible. You now have:

65% Saturated Fats
35% Cholesterol
40% Sodium (Ramen noodles eat your heart out.) :tup:

All in a meer 2.5 ounces of food. Very impressive indeed. Even more impressive is the fact that it only has 3 ingredients listed on the package. They are:

Salted Pork Skins
Monosodium Glutamate
Red Peppers

And having only one unpronounceable ingredient is simply put. Outstanding. However all this goodness comes at a price. One the product is very inconsistant. And the ratio of fatty pieces to skin pieces varies wildly (Fat pieces being the tastier of the two). On top of that it is very crunchy, so much so that one could use it as morse code to signal to passing ships with the naked ear of the inherant tastiness of fried pork strips. Which is good for advertising, bad for your cubemates in a near sound-proof building.

Also opening the bag smells pretty bad, so one could only imagine the bad-breath it causes. And as for taking a shit, no doubt it could eat through a wall and kill your neighbors in their sleep.

All in all I give it:
:tup::tup::tup:1/2: of :tup::tup::tup::tup::tup:

Cliffs: Was bored at work and reviewed a random gas-station snack.

Pros:
-Tasty
-Crunchy enough to annoy people for miles away
-Fatty
-Only one ingredient that can’t be pronounced

Cons:
-That one ingredient accounts for a third of the total ingredients
-Pricey for what you get
-Can not be eaten in one sitting
-So crunchy it should not be eaten indoors.
-Bad breath

Oh well, back to work.

2

poor bored fuzzy, thats one helluva review though!!!

3

I like this thread. I’m gonna have to find some snacks tomorrow on my 7pm lunch break. :tspry:

4

nicely done.

next time grab a 6’er of cl, a gallon of water, and call it a day. :slight_smile:

5

good review. (poor piggy) slightly nauseating, i think i gained 3 pounds just from reading that, but i get a 6pm lunch and i’ll let you know how it goes…

6

So again I was bored at work last night, and decided to get my lean on and drove on down to the nearest ghetto-mart in the Red Rexy Wagon. And pulled into the lot blasting Vanilla Ice’s Greatest Hits. And of course came back loaded with random snacks that most people wouldn’t touch.

So now with 100% more reviewage. Today I present a fancy review of:

HANNAH’S 5 ALARM RED HOT SAUSAGE

The packaging

The packing immediatly drew my attention from the other beef/sasuage sticks. Not because of it’s bright coloring but because it was the only thing in the store that had a sleek black vaccum-wraped packaging. On top of that it had flames on it. So judging by the package it looked like it should be hot enough to make the hairs on nuts shrivel up and fall off.

And it wasn’t just one set of flames, oh no it have flames everywhere. On the top, on the barcode. Even around this sleepy looking pig in a fire hat that said number one. But oddly for a pig surrounded by flames he/she/it/that thing/WTF/piggy/etc. seems strangly unworried. And for a fire-hat stating #1, that pig seemed like quite the lazy little shit and probably deserved to be eaten anyways.

Also of note it was 2 for $1, what a deal so I thought with my ignorant consumermindedness. So I grabbed two thinking the combined power of the flaming packages alone would make me go bald.

The appitizingining…ness?

So I cracked over the sleekpacking, expecting to smell something more spicy than the sahara itself. But oddly I was greeted by the nauseating smell, then I noticed something on the package. Actaully a few things:

PICKLED IN VINEGAR SOLUTION
ARTIFICALLY COLORED

And the spicy ingredients: Paprika…

Wtf, only peprika? I felt an overwhelming sense of weak-sauce. And I’m pretty sure it was right in the package that had a brown turd that smelled like a damned pickle.

The product

So after not heeding the warning of the unsatisified pig on the package. I proceeded to take a bite, I was totally expecting steam to shoot from my ear as I magically elevated off the ground shot off to the moon… It didn’t happen instead I’m quite certain that they just took some random dog-shit off the sidewalk, covered it in vinegar, and packed it as a sausage snack. Naturally I was so pissed that I wanted to drive down to Martinsville, VA and totally stab someone with the extra sausage stick. Sadly even with my 30 minute break there was no way that would have been possible.

So instead I’m going to write a letter, and wrap it around their shitty product and suggest that they re-sell it as a dildo.

Pros:

-Perfect if you like drinking straight vinegar.

Cons:

-Bad smell
-Bad taste
-Packaging not meeting the hype generated

Rating:
:tdown::tdown::tdown::tdown: of :tup::tup::tup::tup::tup:

Cliffs:
Another bored at work review. If your idea of tasty is shoving your face into a heaping pile of fresh dog-shit. Then this is for you.

7

ahaha you will on the recieving end tomorrow… garantee that.

8

Its really nice review dude, I red your thread and really got very nice information which I was looking for.
How to secure you product and how you can convey your message vividly. Its also depend on the koozie raper of the product.

9

you a bot bro? bumping 6year old threads?

10

You know, it was such a winner last time, he really wanted to take the time to make another stellar contribution that lived up to all of the previous glory.

11

I join car forums strictly for snack reviews too.

12

6 yr old thread make me laugh tho… bot was good for something lol