The following is 100% true, and I am telling it in my (Cossey) own words and EXACTLY what happened…
So Justin (Celticw/e) and I head down to Atlantic City yesterday. Di we wanna win big? Of course, but neither of us expected it. Worse case scenario we spend a few hundred bucks and just have a great time. We have a room at Caesar’s Palace. It was a great room. Big enough to play baseball in. So we get to the room, drop our shit off and head right to the floor to play.
Eight hours later, we’re down a lot of money, so we decide to call it quits. I still wanna get drunk to make up for my loss, so we go to the bar in Caesar’s. At last call. So we ask the bartender where the closest bar open 24hrs is. He tells us to go to Bally’s, as their casino has a 24hr bar in there. So we walk outside, and don’t know how to get there.
Cossey: Well to the right looks pretty bright. We should go that way.
Justin: Well the left looks brighter, so we’re going that way…
13 blocks later, and in the middle of the ghetto.
Random voice: Heyyyy baby!
Us: WTF?!?
Random voice: Baby stoooppp!!
We turn around and see two chubby black chicks (who look like hookers) shuffling towards us.
Us: Fuck.
Hookers: Ya’ll want a blowjob?
Justin: I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to respectfully decline.
So we walk two more blocks and find an ATM, take money out, then hail a cab.
Cabbie: Where ya headed to?
Me: Bally’s.
Cabbie: Where ya coming from?
Me: Caesar’s.
Cabbie: WTF? Bally’s is right next to Caesar’s.
Me: Good job, Justin. I knew we should’ve gone the other way.
Cabbie: I’m surprised ya’ll didn’t get hurt, this is the bad part of town.
Justin: Whoops.
So we get to Bally’s and immediately find the bar. The bartender is slow as fuck. We have a few beers and then this attractive young blonde from South Carolina sits next to us and starts playing some of the video poker they have at the bar. A few minutes later, I start making conversation with her. Her name is Mandy. I’m bringing maybe my B game to this one. So we all have a few more drinks, then we have a few shots, and I buy a few for the girl since she’s alone, why not. She loosens up a bit and we’re having a great time. It’s 4:30am, we’re whooped.
Me: [to girl] So what are you doing tonight?
Mandy: Nothing really, I’m done playing games cuz I lost so much money!
Me: Well me and my friend are going back to our room if you wanna hang out some more.
Mandy: Sure, why not.
So on the way back to the hotel room, she says she’s cold so she gets next to me and grabs my arm. I think “Sweet… She’s gonna get the D.”
We get back to the hotel room and Justin goes to the bathroom. She gets close to me again and I put my arms around her and start feeling her up a bit.
Mandy: So how much fun do you want to have tonight?
Me: Huh?
Mandy: How much money you wanna spend?
Me: Uhh… nothing? starts thinking more Ohhhhhhh!
Justin gets out of the bathroom…
Me: Justin, how much money you got?
Justin: What?
Me: [shaking my head towards Mandy] How much money do you have?
Justin: OH SHIT!!
We start BURSTING out laughing.
Mandy: So you boys wanna have some fun? It’ll be $300 for the both of you.
Me: Whoaaa… No.
Justin: You came here on false pretenses and deceived my man here.
Me: Yea, this is a horrible April Fool’s joke.
Mandy: Well it’d be $150 for just you hunny.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have that on me, and I couldn’t justify it.
She starts pulling down her pants to show us her ass. It looked perfect in the jeans. Out of it, it looks like it’s been ridden hard and put away wet.
Mandy: See, you can have this hunny.
Me: I’m going to have to politely decline your offer.
Mandy: Awwww.
Me: How much for a little show?
Mandy: Oooo you’d love that, you wanna see me squirt? I’m a big squirter.
Me: Absolutely not, I love these bedsheets.
Mandy: Aww come on baby, how about a blowjob for $50.
Me: How about you leave my room for $20?
Mandy: No one’s ever paid me to leave them.
Me: Well I’ve never paid for pussy, and I wanna keep that going, it’s worked out well for me.
Mandy: Fineee…
Me: I’m really sorry, I can just never pay for sex. You deceived us… And I bought you three shots already.
Mandy: Well I didn’t need the shots.
Me: Really? No shit. I think it’s time for you to go.
So I walk her out of the room. Justin and I start bursting out laughing, almost in tears, and my stomach is hurting.
Moral of the story: If something seems too good to be true, it is.