Funnies Thread

NYSpeed Automotive NYSpeed Off Topic
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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS &STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started
doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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^ I’ve been spreading that one around…mainly to people my age who are “the next one” in their families. :slight_smile:

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Who was Alexander Graham Bellski?

He was the 1st telephone pole.

That made me chuckle

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haha… pole… hahahhahah

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Perfect for krazyjon and zerodaze

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Family guy fun.
http://www.thatvideosite.com/view/1077.html

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lol

that’s so wrong but right at the same time

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My Contribution>

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom’s and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!
All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

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For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a
10-speed bicycle. His father said, “Son, we’d give
you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 &
your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can
afford it.”

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading
out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked,
“Son, where are you going?” Little Patrick told him,
“I was walking past your room last night and heard you
telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her
tell you to wait because she was coming too. And
I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a
$280,000 mortgage &no bike!”

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LMAO, thread jesus!

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Body: A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”, “I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they are sperm samples???” , “DO IT!”. So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well.”, so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey - its not that hard.”

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1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I’m Sylvia. How’d you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer — we’d both still be alive.

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tee hee. that one made me giggle.

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You giggle when you fart too, what’s your point?

:stuck_out_tongue:

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A guy and a girl were in the mood, but they didn’t have a condom. They drove to the pharmacy, but the guy was nervous as he had never bought one before. (He was a virgin.) So the girl told him to just go in and put a quarter on the counter.

So he did, and the pharmacist just looked at him puzzled. So he took the quarter and went back out to the car defeated. Well the girl really wanted some so she told him to go back, put the quarter on the counter and play with your fly.

So he did and again the pharmacist just looked that much more puzzled. So defeated once again the boy returned to the car.

This time the girl had had enough. She told him to go in there, put the quarter on the counter and whip it out.

So he went back inside and laid his quarter and his dick on the counter…

The boy returned to the car, but now without the quarter. The girl asked if he finally got the condom and he replied:

“No, his was bigger so he took the quarter.”

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Triplets
adult

A pregnant woman with triplets was walking down the street, when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies are okay! The surgeon decides to leave bullets in because it was too risky to operate… The woman had two healthy girls and a healthy son.

All went fine for 16 years, until one day, one of the daughter busted in her room in tears.

“What’s wrong?”, asks the mother.

“I was taking a pee, and this bullet came out.”, replied the daughter.

The mother tells her that its okay, and explain to her what happened sixteen years ago.

A week later, the second daughter runs into her room in tears. “Mom, I was taking a pee, and this bullet came out.”

Again the mother tells her daughter not to worry and explains what happened sixteen years ago.

A week later, her son came into her room in tears.

“Its okay!”, says the mom. “I know what happened,…you were taking a pee, and a bullet came out.”

“No.”, says the boy. "I was playing with myself, and I shot the dog

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hehehehe lol funnies @ work ftw

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ahhh very good amusement… i think i’ve seen all of these before, but good classics.

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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?”

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. “What is your last request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse…alone.”

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.

Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE

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After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed, wearing a long, flowing white robe.“Who the hell are you?” demanded Brian, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”
The mysterious man answered, “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter.”
Brian was stunned, “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family … You’ve got to send me back right away.”
St Peter replied, “Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch! We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.”
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.“This ain’t so bad,” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad,” replies Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode.”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.”
“Never,” replies Brian.
“Well just relax and let it happen.”
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him … ever!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, “Brian, wake up you drunken FOOL, you’re SHITTING IN THE BED!!!”