A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said, “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
For her birthday, he bought her a brand-new bathroom scale.
The perfect husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure… go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$260,000”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… the house we wanted last year is back on the market They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later. I love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: “Anyone know who’s phone this is?”
Woman decides to spice up her marriage, she goes out and buys some new crotchless panties. She’s waiting on the couch when her husband gets home from work. “Hey big boy, come and get some of this.”
He replies, “Hell no, look what it did you your underwear!”
One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this, that she came over and shouted at me, “You should be hung.” I took a drink from my can of Coors Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Bans and stared directly at this nosey bitch and then calmly replied…
“I am, and that`s why she cuts the grass.”
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, “No.”
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty.
She said, “Just a minute.” And walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, “Do these excite you?”
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk. “Well, come on”, she said, “We don’t have much time.” So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a frown. “Did you put that condom on?” I said, “I sure did.” And held up my thumb to show her.
