here’s a good story about getting kicked in the neck:
ALRIGHT SO I’M IN CLASS, GRADE 3, MY TEACHER IS MRS. MENEZOS AND SHE’S PRETTY BATSHIT AND IS TRYING TO TEACH US HOW TO LINEDANCE EVEN THOUGH WE’RE SUPPOSE TO BE LEARNING ABOUT THE PLANETS OR LONG DIVISION OR DOING REPORTS ON BEVERLY CLEARY STORIES. I’M LOOKING AT THE BIG POSTER ON THE SIDE WALL, IT’S GOT A LIST OF EVERYONE’S NAME IN THE CLASS AND BESIDE EACH NAME IS A LONG ROW OF GOLD STARS EARNED BY THAT PARTICULAR STUDENT, USUALLY FOR GETTING A GOOD MARK ON A TEST OR DOING PARTICULAR WELL AT AN ACTIVITY.
MY LINE OF STARS IS ABOUT AS LONG AS THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA AND THERE’S NO WAY IN HELL ANYONE’S GOING TO CATCH UP TO ME. I’VE SPENT MOST OF THIS YEAR MAKING SURE I’M WELL AHEAD OF THE COMPETITION (JEFF) BECAUSE MRS. MENEZOS SAID AT THE END OF THE YEAR THE STUDENT WITH THE MOST STARS WILL GET A SURPRISE. AND I LIKE SURPRISES.
SO ANYWAY I’M THINKING ABOUT ALL OF THIS WHEN THE INTERCOM SYSTEM GOES ON AND I’M CALLED TO THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE. THIS IS HIGHLY UNUSUAL - ONLY BAD STUDENTS GET CALLED TO THE OFFICE, AS YOU ALL KNOW, AND I’M ONE OF THE BEST STUDENTS IN SCHOOL. AN INQUISITIVE MURMUR RUNS THROUGH THE CLASS LIKE A COLD BREEZE AND I GET UP IN A BIT OF A PANIC AND GO OUT INTO THE HALL.
SCHOOL HALLS ARE QUIET AND EERIE WHEN CLASS IS IN, AND I’M NOT VERY PLEASED ABOUT ANYTHING. I WALK INTO THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE. IT SMELLS LIKE THOSE PINK PEARL ERASERS AND HOT DOG BUNS WHICH IS ACTUALLY PROBABLY COMING FROM THE CAFETERIA. WHAT IS MOST NOTICEABLE, THOUGH, IS KYLE, WHO IS SITTING IN A CHAIR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY WHILE THE PRINCIPAL MRS. HEGGINBOTTOM TRIES TO CONSOLE HIM. SHE SEEMS POSITIVELY RELIEVED WHEN I ENTER THE ROOM AND EXPLAINS THE SITUATION.
“WE DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIM - WE’VE CALLED HIS FATHER BUT HE’S NOT AT HOME, AND THE ONLY THING HE’S ASKED SO FAR IS TO SPEAK TO YOU.”
THIS RINGS A VERY SMALL BELL. A YEAR AGO IN GRADE TWO THE SAME GODDAMNED THING HAPPENED, ONLY WITH MY SISTER - SHE HAD BEEN STUNG BY A BEE AND SPENT A SOLID HOUR IN THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE BLUBBERING AWAY AND GENERALLY PERPLEXING EVERYONE IN SIGHT UNTIL THE SECRETARY FINALLY WAS ABLE TO MAKE OUT THE WORDS “I… WANT… DAVE!!”
I GRIP KYLE BY THE SHOULDERS AND ASK HIM WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.
KYLE PAUSES SOBBING JUST LONG ENOUGH TO BLURT OUT “I WAS KICKED IN THE THROAT!”
A FAINT SMILE APPEARS ON MRS. HEGGINBOTTOM’S FACE AND SHE RELAXES A LITTLE BIT. I GUESS SHE NO LONGER THINKS THAT KYLE’S ON HIS DEATHBED.
“KICKED IN THE THROAT?” HEGGINBOTTOM IS BACK IN CONTROL; “WELL WE CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT! KYLE, WE’RE GOING TO CALL YOUR PARENTS AGAIN, AND WE’LL GET ONE OF THEM TO TAKE YOU HOME.”
“TRY HIS STEP-MOM” I SUGGEST, KNOWING THERE’S A BETTER CHANCE SHE’S AROUND, “AND IF THAT DOESN’T WORK, JUST CALL MY MOM”.
THE SECRETARY PICKS UP THE PHONE. SHE’S UNABLE TO GET THROUGH TO KYLE’S STEP-MOM, BUT MY MOTHER PICKS UP. UNFORTUNATELY SHE’S HEADING OUT FOR AN APPOINTMENT SHE CAN’T BREAK.
“PERHAPS DAVE CAN WALK KYLE BACK TO YOUR PLACE?” MRS. HEGGINBOTTOM SUGGESTS. KYLE’S STILL CRYING AND SHAKING AND CLUTCHING HIS THROAT LIKE HE WAS ATTACKED BY A WOLF AND I’M STARTING TO GET A LITTLE EXCITED THAT I MIGHT GET TO GO HOME.
MY MOM AGREES AND THE PRINCIPAL TELLS ME TO GET KYLE HOME AND TO BED. THIS LITTLE TALK WITH MRS. HEGGINBOTTOM HAS MADE ME FEEL LIKE I’M 12 YEARS OLD AND TAKE THE REPONSIBILITY TO HEART. “COME ON, KYLE” I CROON GENTLY “LET’S GET YOU HOME AND ALL TUCKED IN.”
KYLE AND I BEGIN OUR TREK HOME TO THE EVIDENT APPEASEMENT OF THE PRINCIPAL AND SECRETARY. KYLE, SLIGHTLY MOLLIFIED BY MY COMPANY, HOBBLES ALONGSIDE ME, SNIFFING EVERY COUPLE OF SECONDS. I PUT AN ARM AROUND HIM AND GIVE MRS. HEGGINBOTTOM WHAT I HOPE TO BE A RESPONSIBLE, MOTHERLY SORT OF LOOK, AND OUT WE GO.
IT’S A 10 MINUTE WALK BACK HOME AND MOST OF IT IS ACCOMPLISHED ON A PATH THROUGH THE WOODS BEHIND THE SCHOOL. THE SECOND WE GET TO THE WOODS KYLE WIPES HIS EYES AND NOSE AND MIRACULOUSLY CONVALESCES RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES. “I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT WORKED!!” HE SHOUTS IN AMAZEMENT.
I THINK AT THAT POINT IN TIME THE WHOLE CONCEPT OF SKIPPING SCHOOL WAS FOREIGN TO ME BECAUSE I REMEMBER REGARDING KYLE IN COMPLETE DISBELIEF. WE RESUME WALKING. I AM TOTALLY STUNNED.
KYLE’S BUOYANT AS EVER. “NOW WE HAVE THE DAY OFF!” HE STARTS WHISTLING AND DOES A LITTLE DANCE DOWN THE STREET IN FRONT OF ME. MY AMAZEMENT IS SLOWLY GIVING WAY TO ANGER AND I ADDRESS KYLE WITH AS MUCH ACRIMONY AS I CAN MUSTER.
“KYLE YOU MORON, I HAVE A TEST LATER TODAY AND IF I DON’T DO IT I’M NOT GOING TO GET A GOLD STAR AND YOU KNOW I NEED THOSE GOLD STARS!”.
KYLE LOOKS AT ME WITH A HINT OF AMUSEMENT IN HIS FACE. WE’VE LEFT THE FOREST AND HAVE TURNED ONTO OUR STREET. SINCE IT’S WARM OUT WE BOTH TAKE OFF OUR SHOES AND WALK BAREFOOT. (WE ALWAYS DID THIS WALKING TO AND FROM SCHOOL). I’M GETTING ANGRIER BY THE MINUTE.
“NO, REALLY, KYLE, THIS ISN’T AWESOME AT ALL! I NEED TO DO THAT TEST! ” I’M JUST FURIOUS NOW. KYLE’S PRETTY GOOD AT RECOGNIZING WHEN I’M ANGRY, AND HE LOOKS AT ME FOR ABOUT HALF A SECOND AND THEN TEARS DOWN THE STREET.
I START RUNNING AFTER HIM, SHOUTING OUT THREATS. KYLE PUTS ON AN EXTRA BURST OF SPEED AND ROUNDS THE CORNER TO HIS BACKYARD WHEN HE SUDDENLY CRUMPLES TO HIS SIDE. I QUICKLY CATCH UP TO HIM - HE’S HOLDING HIS FOOT. I TAKE A LOOK AND AM APPALLED - HE’S SPLIT HIS HEEL OPEN. THERE’S THIS FINE BLOOD-RED LINE RUNNING ALMOST RIDE DOWN THE CENTER OF HIS HEEL AND IT’S BEGINNING TO BLEED.
“KYLE, THIS DOESN’T LOOK VERY GOOD” I CONFESS. KYLE’S EYES ARE WELLING UP WITH TEARS AND IN A BIT OF A PANIC I SEE HE’S GETTING READY TO CRY AGAIN. I’M RIGHT. WITHIN MINUTES HE’S BAWLING AGAIN AND CLUTCHING HIS FOOT LIKE HE STEPPED IN A TRAP. I’M WONDERING HOW TO GET HIM HOME.
IT’S AT THIS EXACT MOMENT THAT KYLE’S STEP-MOM MAKES AN APPEARANCE. SHE’S DRIVING DOWN THE STREET IN HER CAR AND IS OBVIOUSLY A BIT CONFUSED AS TO WHY HER STEP-SON AND HIS BEST FRIEND ARE SQUATTING IN A DITCH BAREFOOT ON A SCHOOL DAY. SHE PULLS THE CAR OVER. SINCE KYLE’S ALWAYS CRYING SHE’S NOT TOO CONCERNED YET, AND ASKS ME WHAT’S GOING ON.
KYLE INTERRUPTS BEFORE I CAN SAY ANYTHING. “I WAS KICKED IN THROAT!!!” HE BAWLS OUT IN COMPLETE FRUSTRATION, STILL CLUTCHING HIS FOOT WITH BOTH HANDS AND LYING ON HIS BACK. “AND DAVE DID IT!“.
THE REST OF THIS LITTLE EPISODE IS MERCIFULLY BLURRED. I REMEMBER I WAS SENT TO MY ROOM AND MY MOM WAS CALLED, AND I REMEMBER I WASN’T EXONERATED UNTIL A FEW CALLS TO THE SCHOOL WERE PLACED. EVEN THEN I SEEM TO RECALL GETTING A STERN TALKING-TO BECAUSE I CHASED KYLE. WORST OF ALL, I MISSED THE TEST AND JEFF GOT A GOLD STAR.
