Random family guy quote thread.

whatever, im bored…

Peter: Don’t worry, Lois, I know how to handle this. I read a book about this once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn’t NOTHING?
Peter: Oh yeah.

Peter: If you don’t bring Gumble to Gumble back on the air im going on a hunger strike
Network Guy: Im sorry sir we can’t bring that program back on the air.
Peter: You gonna eat that stapler?
Network Guy: You can’t eat a stapler
Peter: Waaannnaaaa sspplliittt it?

Quagmire: So you are 18???
Girl: no, im 16…
Quagmire: 18?!!? All-Right!!!

Quagmire: Ewww a transvestite? wait… preop or Post-op???

Peter - I want what Cleveland got. An apology and some Rice Crispy Treats.

Mr. Peuterschmit - Well, I absolutely will not apologize and I assume Rice Crispy Treats is black slang for money. How does $10,000 sound?

Cleveland: hello peter.

Meg: Brian how did you lose so much wait???

Q: How old are you?

Girl: 16.

Q: 18?

Girl: 16.

Q: 18?

Girl: Moooooom…!!!

Q: I think I like where this is going! Giggity giggity!

Stewie : And if the teacher asks where you got these bruises from?

Chris : I fell down the stairs!!!

peter: is your refridgerator running? because if it is, its probably running like you - very homosexually

Lois: “But Peter, the big meet is this week.”
Peter: “he he, you said big meat”

[left]Peter: Lois, why don’t you go ahead and start dinner
Lois: But wer’e eating out tonight
peter: well, go ahead and start it anyways, I don’t want you getting rusty

Chris: I promised I would’nt say poop all night



Peter: If i’m a child then that means you’re a pedophile, and ill be damned if im going to stand here and take this from a pervert

Brian: So uhhhh, you’re 18 now right?

Meg: Yea

Brian: Well if you uhhh, you know… wanna… well I’m just throwing it out there uhhhh… fool around, you know… uhhh

Lois: I havent been on a college campus in years! everything is so different!

Stewie: Really? Maybe you should lay on your back with your ankels behind your head, that would probably ring a few bells! :lol:

Chris: My dad’s smarter than you’re dad
Meg: We have the same dad you idiot
Chris: My dad’s still smarter

Judge:Peter you are guilty
Meg: Oh no
Peter: Oh no
Lois: Oh no
Kool Aid Guy: OH YEA!!!

Stewie: Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I’ll give you a hint. It’s in my diaper and it’s not a toaster.

Quagmire: “gigety gigety alriiiiiight”

Meg: Everybody! Guess what I am?
Stewie: Hm, the end result of a drunken back-seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?

Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.

Meg: I just want to kill myself I’m gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I’m allergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?

Peter: Well, I’m gettin’ something really special too. And by special I don’t mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like… like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.
Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: I drift in and out.

Vacuum repairman: There you go, all fixed. Turns out a half-eaten meatball was clogging up the intake.
Peter: Oh. Well, did you save it?
Vacuum repairman: Uh, no.
Peter: You bastard.

Lois: Peter,why are we stopped?
Peter: Yeah, I’ll have three cheeseburgers…
Lois: Peter for God’s sakes she’s havin’ a baby!
Peter: Oh that’s right…and a kid’s meal… and uh,I, I guess I’ll have fries…if I have fries is anyone else gonna have any? Cuz,uh I don’t wanna be the only one eatin’ them… I’ll feel like a fatty.


Stewie: How you uh, how you comin’ on that novel you’re working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice litte story you’re working on there? Your big novel you’ve been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta propelling protaganist? Yea? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? (voice getting higher pitched) Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? (voice returns to normal) No, no, you deserve some time off.


Cleaveland: Hey Peter, are you up for another snow cone?
Peter: No thanks, that yellow snow cone you gave me didn’t taste like lemon, it tasted more like…oh you guys are asses!


Meg (about Peter being retarded): I can never go to school again!
Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it’s THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.


Peter: Hey, What’s His Name?
Al Gore: Dick Army
Peter: Phhhhh, ha ha ha ha. No Seriously What Is It?
Al Gore: Dick Army
Peter: Phhhhh, ha ha ha ha. Hey Dick, What’s Your Wife’s Name? Vagina Coastguard?

Quagmire: Hello? 911? Yea, its Quagmire again… yea, its stuck in a window this time.

Peter: Where am I gonna get $50,000???
Quagmire: Well, you could sleep with 1000 fat chicks for $50 a piece, or 50 REALLY fat chicks for $1000 a piece… (everyone stares) WHAT!!! Fat chicks need loving too… they just gotta pay!

:Random snob(WASP): “Patty this cooking is sub par” (or something like that)
Snobs wife: “At least I can cook up some grace and civility at the dinner table”
Snob: “patty(the young daughter at the table), did I ever tell you that your mother is a whore?”

All Taken from the first episode of the second season (aka best family guy episode of all time)

Sales guy: Now if youd just sign this without reading it ill take your blank check and you wont not be not loving your timeshare in no time.

Peter: A boats a boat but the mystery box could be anything, it could even be a boat!
Louis: Then lets just take…
Peter: We’ll take the box

Quagmire: maybe they’ll tell some jokes about being a sucker
Cleaveland: Oh quagmire, your what the spaniards call el Terrible

Peter: Boatings in my blood, ever since my great great grandfather Huck Griffin sailed the mighty mississippi
Black dude: What did you just say? Thats OUR word, youve got no right using it
Huck griffin: Sorry I thought that was your name. Could you please pass me the ore N-Word Jim (lololol)

Peter: Well excuse me for thinking a microphone stand at a comedy club should tell a joke or 2, i guess im just old fashioned that way

Peter: Hey louis, what do you call a person who takes forever to cook breakfast…you call her louis
Stewie: Ahahaha the fat man made a funny, I rather enjoyed that. Ok ive got one, if you were cooking anymore slowly, well then I guess you wouldnt be cooking very fast at all now would you. Well that wasnt very good.

Peter: Sara…Sara…is that the one we video taped taking a dump?

“you could whore yourself out to 50 fat chicks for 1000 bucks each, or 1000 really fat chicks for 50 bucks each, what? fat chicks need lovin too, but they gotta pay!” - Quagmire