lolol who remembers this?
(originally posted by Chino - http://www.ubrf.org/forums/showthread.php?t=52834&highlight=halloween )
Halloween.
Trick or Treat, bitches.
The four of us, my girl and I, and my best friend and his girl decided to hit up Salem, Massachusetts for Halloween for lack of something better to do. Rumor had it that it was just like Mardi Gras, sans the alcohol poisoning, the bared breasts, and the overwhelming debauchery that went on.
I must admit, it was alot of fun. Hundreds upon thousands (well, hundreds anyway) of people lining the streets in full costume, and people WERE getting drunk and just having a good time. My girlfriend, being the lazy broad that she was, just painted some fucking cat whiskers on her face and wore a black leotard. My friend got decked out in some sort of queer medieval outfit, complete with genuine broad sword. If it wasn’t for the sword, he would have looked like a total fag with his puffy pants. His saving grace was that he had bought a very tight serving wench outfit for his girl, and her tits managed to pop out several times during the weekend.
He had also bought me a giant broad sword, a long black hooded cape, and drew up an amazing design on my face in black and red paint. I suppose I’m a hypocritical asshole, because I was just as lazy as my girl. I was decked out in all black too.
But I digress. We shopped, we went to haunted houses, it was as fun as a queer night in Salem could get. We stopped into a pizzeria to get something to eat,ordered and sat down at a table with four seats. When the pizza was ready, my friend got up to get it, and the next thing I knew, someone had taken his seat.
A giant green M&M. This Chinese girl had just plopped into my friends seat, without asking anyone whether it was ok. Now, this was a separate table, with bench seats on either side, so it wasn’t as if she was just sitting near us. She was sitting WITH us. I wasn’t quite sure what she was thinking.
I stared at her for a moment in disbelief, not trying to be my usual, extremely rude self, as I wasn’t quite sure about the rules of engagement in a foreign land when it came to candy people.
“Excuse me Miss, my friend is sitting there.”
“Ok” she said to me, turning around and looking out the window.
“Umm, hello, can’t you sit at that table right behind us?” I said incredulously.
“I wait for friend” She said, in her broken English.
Unbelievable.
This is when my girl’s mouth opened. When she was pissed off, you didn’t want to be within three miles of the blast zone. The plague of verbal locusts that spewed forth from her mouth from time to time was enough to scatter the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to the winds.
Did I mention she was a loudmouth Italian girl from NY?
Yeah.
“Listen, you fucking dirty gook bitch, get the fuck up out of here, before I break your fucking skull open. Someone’s sitting there.”
Silence. The Asian M&M had just ignored her. I was the only one that had ever gotten away with that. I braced myself for the impact. I wasn’t getting involved. I had never fought with candy before. Especially Asian candy.
“Did you fucking hear me? I said get the fuck up, you stupid bitch”
Again, our newly acquired friend just sat there, looking out the window, ignoring us. I couldn’t understand what was going through her head. I wanted to tell her, to warn her, to plead with her to get up before things got out of hand, but I just sat there. I think I was actually enjoying this.
Well, enough was enough. My girl picked up the salt shaker from the table, cocked back, and caught the girl square in the back of the head. I winced.
“AYAAAAAAAAAAA WHY YOU DO THAT” the chinese girl screamed, finally showing some sort of acknowledgement, holding the back of her head.
“Because you dont listen, and you need to get the fuck on up out of here, before you catch the pepper too.”
My girl had gotten up, my friend’s girl had gotten up, the M&M had gotten up, and my friend was standing there, tray of pizza in hand, trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. I figured I would get up too. No sense in sitting down. This was going to get worse before it got any better.
“WHA GOING ON” I heard from behind me in a thick Asian accent.
Standing in the doorway, bathed in the silver moonlight, was a very tall, very menacing figure.
It was a Skittle. A fucking Red Skittle. Apparently, her boyfriend was also dressed for the occasion.
The girl started yelling at her boyfriend in Chinese, waving her arms about and pointing at us. His face began to turn a shade of red almost as deep as his costume, and he began to walk towards us, his fists clenched. He was big as hell, and he wanted to kill us.
It was go time.
My friend tossed the tray of piping hot pizza at him, and the chinese guy ducked down in a defensive stance, knocking the tray away in mid air, and uttering a loud “KEEEEEAAAAAY” or some shit. I don’t know, goddamm Asians are good at karate and math.
The Asian girl ran behind him, and our two girlfriends hid behind us. We just stood there, staring at each other for a moment, wondering what to do next.
I was fighting with an Asian Skittle. I assumed that he could kick my ass, as ridiculous as he looked, seeing as how he knocked the tray out of the air without flinching. He came towards my friend and I, ready to lay some Shaolin shitkicking on our asses, and I did the only thing I could think of.
I drew my 4 foot long broad sword from its sheath from under my cape and brandished it at him…menacingly.
My friend followed suit.
A more ridiculous scene, I could not imagine.
It was a standoff. Some sort of fucked up Halloween standoff.
I wasn’t planning on actually stabbing anyone, and neither was my friend, but we had big sharp swords, and goddammit, I was going to use it at least once that weekend.
I moved towards the Skittle, and he backed away, slowly, out the door, a frightened but furious look in his eye. He hadn’t expected the crazy white boys to be slinging metal.
Yeah, that’s right , Taste the Rainbow, bitch.
He left, muttering under his breath, and we put our weapons away, breathing a sigh of relief.
No blood was to be shed that day.
I turned around, looked at my friends, and just walked out the door. The pizzeria owner was on the phone, most assuredly calling the police, and I didn’t feel like getting arrested in fucking Salem.
“What were you arrested for?”
“Well, see this Skittle attacked me, so I drew my sword and defended myself.”
Yeah…
The rest of the weekend was spent cautiously looking over my shoulder, expecting a very large, very angry Skittle flying through the air, aiming a crippling Dragon Kick right at me.
My hand was on my sword hilt the entire weekend.