We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.
I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.
At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive.
I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it “gambling”. I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat…
What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.
I await your call,
Tad
P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early…Touché…
Got this via email at work…bahahahahaha! Thought it fit perfectly in this thread!
Posted to Craig’s List Personals:
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in
Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43 A M EST
I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I
Hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend.
You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings.
I hope you somehow come across this message. I’d like to apologize.
I didn’t expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after
You took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that
Evening, and it wasn’t that cold outside.
You see, my girlfriend had
Just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for Christmas,
And we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening.
Beautiful pistol, eh?
It’s a very intimidating weapon when pointed at
Your head, isn’t it? I know it probably wasn’t a great deal of fun
Walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge
Flopping about in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse since you
Also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I
Couldn’t have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try
To mug us again.
I took the liberty of calling your mother, or “Momma”
As you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your
Situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas
Station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy
With the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go
Go’s, along with all of the cash in your wallet.
I threw the wallet
In a fancy pink “pimp mobile” parked at the curb after I broke the
Windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a
Bunch of phone sex numbers from your cellphone. They’ll be on your
Bill in case you’d like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down
The line, and I’ve only had the phone for a little over a day now, so
I don’t know what’s going on with that. I hope they haven’t
Permanently cut off your service.
I could only get in two threatening
Phone calls to the D A 's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy
Was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).
I’d also like to apologize for not killing you and instead
Making you walk back home humiliated. I’m hoping that you’ll
Reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky…
Alex
P.S. Remember this motto… An armed society is a polite society!
:shifty