Yarggh! Now in Tom Hanks movie format!
LOL:
In his frenzied attempts at keeping a gang of dogged Somali pirates from attacking his ship in Captain Phillips, Tom Hanks was missing one apparently crucial weapon: a Britney Spears CD.
According to merchant navy officer Rachel Owens, the “Work Bitch” singer’s oeuvre worked expertly (bitch) at keeping Somali pirates at bay while she was on duty on a supertanker off the east coast of Africa. “Her songs were chosen by the security team because they thought the pirates would hate them most,” Owens said.
Rude.
Most reliable: “Oops!..I Did it Again” and “…Baby One More Time.”“It’s so effective the ship’s security rarely needs to resort to firing guns,” Owens said. “As soon as the pirates get a blast of Britney, they move on as quickly as they can.”
As if there weren’t enough reasons to be wary of these Somali bandits, they clearly have horrible taste in music. How dare they insult our High Priestess of Perfection, Saint Spears? To quote a wise, prolific woman: “It’s Britney, bitch.”
Alas, this isn’t just a crackpot theory held by one Ms. Rachel Owens. Steven Jones, of the Security Association for the Maritime Industry, confirms that the strategy works like musical cannonballs, as the Somalis loathe Western culture. “Pirates will go to any lengths to avoid or try to overcome the music,” he says. “I’d imagine using Justin Bieber would be against the Geneva Convention.” Heh.
i wonder what the anti-pirate royalties are on military-grade Britney Spears