Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.
Acura Legend - I’m too bland for German cars.
Acura NSX - I’m impotent.
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires.
Buick Park Avenue - I’m older than 34 of the 50 states.
Cadillac Eldorado - I’m a pimp.
Cadillac Seville - I’m a very good Mary Kay salesman.
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people.
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people’s reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette.
Chevrolet Corvette - I’m in a mid-life crisis.
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government.
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather.
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower.
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.
Dodge Dakota - I’ve always wanted a womans pickup truck.
Ferrari Testarossa - I’m known to prematurely ejaculate.
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart).
Ford Mustang Cobra - I slow down to 85 in school zones.
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all.
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit.
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I’m a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I’m so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle.
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
Lincoln Navigator - I love scaring the crap out of the guy who is driving a civic.
Mercury Grand Marquis - I’m an AARP member and need my social security for the car payment.
Mercedes 500SL - I can go 0-60 in about 6 seconds if the car doesnt fall apart at 50.
Mercedes 560SEL - I’m dating a mechanic.
Mercedes ML320 - I’m a badass soccer mom.
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler.
MGB - I’m dating a midget.
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don’t know what it means either.
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Nissan Maxima - I couldn’t afford an Infiniti.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I’m going to make a fortune off the parts.
Oldsmobille Bravada - I laugh in the face of the guy who’s driving a Blazer.
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I’m on the EPA’s Ten Most Wanted List.
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock.
Pontiac GTO - Gas, Tires, & Orgasms.
Pontiac Aztek - Too easy.
Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie.
Porsche 944 - I’m dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanon is a tad bit too liberal.
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic).
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu.
Toyota Camry - I’m still in the closet.
Toyota Land Cruiser- I would go off road if I could.
Volkswagen Cabriolet - I’m out of the closet.
Volkswagen Microbus - I’m trippin right now.
Volkswagen Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
Volvo 740 Wagon - I’m very frightened of my wife
