There are so many quality things on Craigslist. I found these two today.
RAVE: To the Boys Who TP’d My House Last Night
Date: 2008-03-19, 8:49AM PDT
To the Boys Who TP’d My House Last Night – excellent job! No, seriously, best TP job I have ever seen. And, as the son of a former high school principal, I’ve seen a few!
It was like you’d Googled “How to TP a House”.
STEP ONE: PICK A HOUSE WHICH:
- is on the corner so lots of people driving by see your work – CHECK!
- has lots of hedges and HIGH trees to hang TP on – CHECK!
- has no fence to trap you in case you’re caught – CHECK!
- has no motion-sensitive lights to warn the owners – CHECK!
- has no dog – DOH!
Yes, we have a dog – and you should have known that because he barks at you when you walk by. Our barking dog woke me up. And finally, pick a house which:
- doesn’t have an owner crazy enough to take down all your handiwork in the middle of the night before anyone gets to witness your genius – DOH!
I was almost SORRY to be dismantling your masterpiece before morning light. If it helps, I actually stood back and took it all in before I started pulling down streams of white. But, this being Seattle, I was afraid it would rain and wet TP is REALLY hard to remove from trees. I speak from experience here.
STEP TWO: TP TECHNIQUE – AND BEYOND
First, your TP technique was superb. I believe I got the benefit of your collective experience here? This couldn’t have been your first job.
- the sheer volume of TP was impressive. I counted no fewer than six rolls
- the TP was indeed in the HIGHEST branches of my trees – great arm! I had to climb the trees and use a rake to remove the final flapping vestiges.
- the TP was high quality, important because the cheap stuff doesn’t cling right
But it was all the EXTRAS which put this TP job in the “excellent” category:
- At least a grocery bag of ripped-into-small-pieces colored construction paper scattered across our lawn. Even in the streetlight it was pretty.
- Silly string! Come on – who doesn’t appreciate silly string? Especially on hedges. That stuff is stubborn. There’s still some out there.
- And the coup-de-grace – the Vaseline on the door handle. Brilliant! As I chased you off in my bare feet (more on this below) I noted my flash light covered in sticky stuff. Took me a while to figure out what had happened.
Now, on your escape – you did break one cardinal rule of the TP trade. If discovered do NOT run in the direction of your house. It could be argued you should lose a point for this gaff, but I suppose it can be forgiven given the lay of the land and the fact that you were likely freaked out when I burst out of my front door with flash light hand.
Would you believe I actually ENVIED you as you ran off? I truly did. Because I knew your hearts were hammering at your ribs and you were experiencing that delicious fear that comes from being discovered in the middle of perpetrating a first-class prank. “Holy crap, dude! He almost CAUGHT US!” The thought made me laugh out loud several times as I went about putting my front yard right again.
STEP THREE - DO NO HARM
Finally, what you DIDN’T DO is also important: you didn’t trample our newly planted plants or break any tree branches. You didn’t egg the house – that can destroy paint jobs. You didn’t do anything to cause any real damage to our home or property.
So – in closing – don’t be too disappointed I removed all the materials you carefully collected and brought to our house before anyone else got to see it displayed in all its glory. I am memorializing your effort here on Craigslist for all to read.
After an hour of work, as I stood back and looked at my boring de-TP’d yard, I brought to mind how much more colorful it had been just 60 mintues before. With your work in mind, I held up an imaginary score card Olympics style…10.0! Had there been crowds, they would have gone wild.
With respect,
Home Owner, Issaquah WA
P.S. btw, once is funny. Twice…not so much.
and this…
Fixed Gear Death Trap
Date: 2008-03-16, 6:33PM PDT
I’m selling a complete fixed gear. It is totally ready to ride and will probably kill you.
I pushed it into a bike shop recently to have the rear wheel trued. At the bottom of my receipt it read, ‘My advice, get a new bike.’ So, I am. And maybe you are too! He was reserved enough not to use the words ‘death’ or ‘trap,’ but I’m not!
The frame is probably an old Raleigh that could have been worth something. It’s rattlecanned and chipping rapidly. The paint is almost completely gone where my car’s bike rack grips. There are, however, parts of the bike that are still entirely painted.
Looking a little deeper, the headset is completely fucked. Unless you can ride a unicycle, you can’t ride this bike with no hands. I’m expecting something terrible to happen in the headset in the next few rides that will pitch me onto the pavement. For the right price, this could be you!
Also, the pedals were never supposed to house toe cages. So, the cages are kind of ruined and inoperable. Sometimes when I’m skidding, my front foot will almost slip out and I’ll get all wobbly before righting myself. During these moments, my eyes are usually plate-wide with terror. This could be your terror!
There are still front and rear brakes installed, because it was always kind of a half-assed conversion. These could definitely be removed, though. The bike shop guy even tightened up the rear brakes for me. You could be the only fixie rider in SF with fully functional rear brakes.
But the brake cables are also completely shot, so I wouldn’t count on it.
The handlebar tape is falling off and one of the plugs is missing.
Also, I don’t remember what kind of cranks are on it but the pedals are super long. Every now and then when you’re riding they slam off the ground and get more ruined. Again, there’s some aspect of terror here.
The gear ratio is 52/20. The rear tire is flat and the Presta valve is broken off.
This bike is what my brother affectionately refers to as a ‘time bomb.’ Why? Because there’s no track hub or cog. Actually, there’s a freewheel with loctite in it. So far, I’ve been able to learn how to ride fixed on this setup without it falling apart. But someday it will. And when it does, someone is going to get fucking screwed.
I paid $80 for it 8 months ago in Buffalo. Considering we’re in San Francisco, the asking price is $350. I think that’s only fair.
