chuck norris

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Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t **** with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck
Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

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While playing the role of a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he can’t do that, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.

Chuck Norris was the original treasure in National Treasure.

It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.

Chuck Norris ate his weight at Godfathers pizza.

Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

Chuck Norris has a stare that turns goat piss into gasoline.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single, however, so it was divided.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.

New Years Eve 1998, Chuck Norris was at a party, when the clock struck twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked everyone at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone on the street, and the whole city. He has been doing this ever since.

Chuck Norris is the only male human to give birth. His only child; Vin Diesel.

Every time Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick, an angel gets its wings.

One day Chuck Norris went shopping and he had grabbed the last can of pea soup off the counter. Just then Steven Segal, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Godzilla walked in and turned to Chuck Norris and said, “Give us the pea soup Buck Morris!” right then Chuck Norris turned around and went, “The name is Chuck Norris!” and he brutally anniliated all three of them. The pea soup tasted especially good that night.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris defeated the Canadian Army with a rusty wooden sthingy.

Chuck Norris can ejaculate through solid steel.

When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was 10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.

A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at your grimly.

Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the Sega Genesis.

Chuck Norris once ejaculated solid gold into a river in India, bringing profit to the local villagers and causing him to be worshiped as a God.

Chuck Norris convinced Anakin Skywalker to join the Dark Side of the Force.

Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris is still Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.

One drop of Chuck Norris’ sweat can cure you of anything, even death.

Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.

The letters in Chuck Norris’ name can be rearranged to spell doom in twelve different languages, including Esperanto, but not French.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Chuck Norris has never been sick. Ever.

Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.

Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of telling if an aircraft landed in soil by tasting it.

Chuck Norris’s heart beats once every full moon.

Chuck Norris signed the Declaration Of Independance, The Bill Of Rights, and the Constitution while plundering a poor asian village.

The movie “The Ring” is actually just a Chuck Norris biography.

Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won’t find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it’s getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.

Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.

If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would roundhouse kick you and take your dollar.

Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas bilndfolded, while having sex with 3 women.

When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris has beaten more people in hand to hand combat then you have seen in your entire life.

Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris’ house is a Total Gym.

Ecstacy is actually made by extracting the special seratonin mixture found only the skull of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris put the ‘k’ in ‘hardkore.’

Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.

In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in “Total Recall”.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the earth, thus creating the hole in the ozone layer.

Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.

Chuck Norris once pinned James Bond down with a single finger and forced him to say, “The name’s Norris; Chuck Norris.”

It is commonly believed that democracy brought down the Berlin wall, when in fact, Chuck Norris gave it a roundhouse kick.

The absolute value of ‘Ow3nd’ is in fact, Chuck Norris.

The 2004 asian tsunami was a direct result of a shark attacking Chuck Norris, and him subsequently pile-driving the shark to the bottom of the ocean.

When Chuck Norris has a bad day, people die. When Chuck Norris has a good day… twice as many people die and a few things explode.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris

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Vin Diesel facts:

When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: “I End Lives.”

There is no “I” in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, “Holy crap! That’s Vin Diesel!” Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Crop circles are Vin’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where’s Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, “This is BULLSHIT!” They’re all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, “IF I CAN’T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!” The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose’s shit.

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his “Filet of Child” sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel’s diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Vin Diesel doesn’t believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fucking another.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy’s. When asked why he doesn’t do this Vin replied “Because Grammy’s are for queers.” Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

The eternal conundrum “what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object” was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi’s Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children’s hospital.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase, “I could eat a Horse” after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Vin Diesel. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, “Jackets are for pussies!” at the Acrtic researchers.

Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

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:bowrofl: * 1000 for both… i seriously thought i was teh only person who thinks chuck norris kicks ass :rofl: he ate his weight in godfathers pizza :bowrofl: two i’s in vin deisel oh man, i seriously have tears in my eyes :rofl:

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There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

some other good ones :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

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good finds :bowrofl:

I like that he was the forth wise man and gave the gift of beard to god and he wore it to his dying day and the other three wise men were jealous and used there gifts to get chuck removed from the bible and a few days later they all died of round houdse kicks to the face :bowrofl:

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Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Great find :slight_smile:

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I’ve been passing that stuff around at work recently and all of the old people love it!
You can’t beat Chuck Norris jokes.

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On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
that’s my favorite

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:bowrofl: :bowrofl: :bowrofl: :bowrofl: :bowrofl: :bowrofl:

to many to pick a favorite lmao

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To go along with the Chuck Norris stuff, I found this on another board and don’t know what to think.

http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1638127/

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you can definately tell that shaggy didnt make this thread.

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I could have when i seen it 4 months ago.
just wasnt humorous

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here’s an idea. when you see something and you think it sucks, post it. when you see something you really like, make sure NOT to post it. then all shall be well.

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I amuse myself, thats all that counts…

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???

try smoking :shaggy: and re-read :bowrofl:

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Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where’s Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, “This is BULLSHIT!” They’re all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, “IF I CAN’T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!” The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

I buddy send this link to me a few weeks agos. You have to read the mister T ones. :rofl:

Mr T has been clocked at 100 FPS. thats 100 Fools Pittied per Second. :rofl:

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Vin Diesel - http://www.4q.cc/vin/index.php?topthirty

Chuck - http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty

Mr T. - http://www.4q.cc/t/index.php?topthirty

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Man, all this chuck norris stuff cracks me up. I was making little sayings like this 7 years ago in my high school french class. I guess people finally realized Chuck est le meilleur pour le combat.

My Fav.:

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck
Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.