Official Joke Thread

SON240sx Automotive SON240sx Off Topic
41

Unlike amputies, this is fictional not real life. It’s a gross joke I heard a while ago. It’s not for everyone but most of the guys I know laughed at it. Even some girls too!

Well try this one then,

A newfie is drving on the 401, speeding and drinking a beer. He speeds past a cop radar trap.

After taking a swig of beer he looks in his rearview mirror and see’s a cop car with his light flashing.

He finishes the beer, looks back and see’s the cop is getting closer. He puts the beer bottle between his legs on the seat.

He looks back again and see’s the cop has almost caught him. He peels the label off the bottle and sticks it to his forehead.

The cop pulls the newfie over, walks to the car. The newfie rolls his window down, the cop immediately see’s the bottle between the newfie’s legs and asks “Sir have you been drinking?”

The newfie says, “No sir!” He points to his forehead and says, “Im on the patch!”

42

That’s because it was a tasteless joke.[/quote]

Maybe but no worse then the sentence under your banner in your sig. :wink:[/quote]

:lol: Cartman > cancer.

43

AHAHAH now thats funny.

44

My dad’s a newfie.

Guys, could we make this a non-offensive joke thread, please.

45

Hey man you know I had no ill-intent with that joke. Im sure this is just one of a thousand both you and your Dad have heard.

A joke is a joke with no color, race or creed ment to be offended and nobody should take it as that. Granted I’ve heard a few VERY offenisve jokes that I would’nt repeat in anyway.

Now if it did bother you, well then I do appoligise! :smiley: .

Take care.

Easy 8)

46

Was just busting your balls, man. Jokes are only funny is at least 5 people are offended. :wink:

47

That’s because it was a tasteless joke.[/quote]

Maybe but no worse then the sentence under your banner in your sig. :wink:[/quote]
OWNED!

its true.

nutta your a funny guy but i dont think i’ve ever seen anything that offensive in my life.

dont be surprised if u wake up to find a giant cross keyed into your hood lol

48

That’s because it was a tasteless joke.[/quote]

Maybe but no worse then the sentence under your banner in your sig. :wink:[/quote]
OWNED!

its true.

nutta your a funny guy but i dont think i’ve ever seen anything that offensive in my life.

dont be surprised if u wake up to find a giant cross keyed into your hood lol[/quote]

What?! i think its great, and its only offensive if you take it that way.

49

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!” The wrestler nodded in acknowledgement.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t even watch the ending.

Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to watch the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”

“So,” the trainer exclaimed, “that finished him off, did it?”

“No, but you’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”

:smiley:

50

Two Newfies go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and
beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot
but realize they’ve forgotten a bottle opener.

The first Newfie turns to the second and says, “You’ve gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer.”

“No way,” says the second. “By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food.”

“I promise I won’t,” says the Newfie. “Just hurry!”

Nine full days pass and there’s still no sign of the second Newfie. Exasperated and starving, the first Newfie digs into the sandwiches.

Suddenly, the second Newfie pops out from behind a rock and yells, “I knew it! I’m not f-cking going!!!”

51

Four weeks ago was my 42th birthday and I wasn’t feeling too good that
morning.

I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy
Birthday!”, and probably have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn’t even say good morning, let alone any “Happy
Birthday”. I thought, well, that’s wives for you, the children will
remember.

The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left
for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, “Good morning,
Boss, Happy Birthday”.

And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until
noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a
beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just
you and me.”

I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s
go!”

We went to lunch, we didn’t go where we normally go; instead we went out
to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a
beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”

I said, “No, I guess not.”

She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I
think I’ll go into the bedroom.”

“Sure!” I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake…

followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing
Happy Birthday!

And I just sat there…

on the couch…

naked

52

i like that good little story.

53

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

Boy - “I have a baseball.”

Man - “That’s nice.”

Boy - “Want to buy it?”

Man - “No, thanks.”

Boy - “My dad’s outside.”

Man - “OK, how much?”

Boy - “$150”

Man - “Sold.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - “Dark in here.”

Man - "Yes, it is.

Boy - “I have a Wilson infielder’s glove.”

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

Boy - “$350”

Man - “Highway robbery. Sold.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and my glove.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The boy says, “$500”

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again, you’re in my closet now”

54

Haha, good one, Maurice.

Here is one for ya’ll

So, guy comes home all drunk from the bar, with a sheep under his arm.

His wife says “What the hell”?

Guy says, “This is the pig I’ve been screwing for the past 15 years”.

Wife says, “Look at you! Your so drunk, you can’t tell that is a sheep and not a pig”.

Guy says: “I was talking to the sheep”.

BAAHHAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Theo

55

^gg

56

A young teenage girl comes home from school and asked her mother is it true what they say at school that babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies “yes dear” replys the mother , thankfull her that the subject has come up at last and she would not have to tell her about the birds and bees. Her daughter looked worried and said “when i have babies won’t it knock my teeth out?”

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.

He immediately turns to her and makes his move. “You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk.”

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and asks the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” says the blonde. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff-----grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So tell me,” says the blonde, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know sh1t?”

I’ll get me coat :mrgreen:

57

This is a stupid joke and prolly old, but the punchline stays in my head all day. And it sound best with the voice of the Captain from the Simpsons.

A Pirate walks in to a bar, and the bartender says “Hey, you got a steering wheel in your pants”

The pirate says “Yeargghhh, it’s driving me nuts.”

:mamoru:

58

q: how come black people wear thier hats so low???

A: it keeps birds from shitting on their lips

yea yea yea so what its racist… eat me

q; what do u call a black guy hanging from a tree holding onto a breifcase??

A; branch manager

so two black guys down in the southern states are riding their bikes down the road and the one guyus chain snaps, so there just walking along the road with their bikes hoping to find a ride, as they are walking a truck driver says i can give u guys a ride but ur gonna have to sit in the back with the load, but he warns be careful im hauling black bowling balls, so they agree and get in the back of the truck with their bikes and the truck drive proceeds to drive down the road, a few miles down the truck is pulled over by the highway patrol, so the one officer goes to check on the driver and the other goes to the back of the truck and open the doors to the trailer looks inside then quickly slams the doors shut , goes and get his partner and they take off, so the one officer says to the other

“hey man , why did u make me take off in such a hurry?”

so the other cop replys"oh u wouldnt belive it , it was the scariest thing ive ever seen"

" ok just spit it out man , tell me what the fuck was back there"

so he replys " man they were hauling nigger eggs, two of them hatched and they already stole bikes"

59

:oops: Fack, i deleted Gregs post by accident.

^ thats the funniest shit ever!

lol

http://nsmbjesus.ytmnd.com/

And if anyone here is offended and wants a post removed, PM me.

60

LoL! There’s a jesus version of it now…
What if I’m offended at censorship? Therefore I’m offended at posts being taken down because someone else is offended :smiley:

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

b/c he was dead.

what has four legs and an arm?

a pitbul in a kids playground

why is there a green nigger in my backyard?

he’s my nigger, i can paint him whatever i want.