Male Teenagers
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Speed Limit
Whenever you come across a speed limit sign, add a minimum of 20km/h on top of what it says on the sign. (Eg. If sign says 60, you do at least 80) -
Traffic Lights
“Point of no return” distance increases by minimum of 80m. This allows you approximately 3 seconds (give or take a few seconds, depending on your speed) after the light has changed to red to keep driving through the intersection.
When waiting for green light alongside another male driver who has a clearly superior vehicle, it is mandatory that you rev your engine and attempt to drag race the other driver. When he tears you a new exhaust tip within the first 5 seconds of the drag race, you forfeit all rights to drag race other drivers for a period of 2 more sets of traffic lights.
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Changing Lanes
Indicators are not necessary. Cutting people off is mandatory. -
School Zones
Slowing down to 40km/h (as the signs say) is mandatory (we don’t want to kill any kids now, do we?). However, rolling down your windows and playing obnoxious music through your $3000 stereo system is recommended to make up for the lack of speed. -
Drive-Thru
It is mandatory for all male teenage drivers to try and acquire the phone number of the teenage female drive-thru cashier. If she isn’t attractive, it is considered good manners to give warning to the car behind you by flashing your hazard lights twice.
Female Teenagers
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Speed Limit
Obey all speed signs by doing 1km/h less than what they say is the legal limit. -
Traffic Lights
The point of no return for female teenagers is 10m from the intersection. If the light turns red in this period of time, no matter how fast she is going she must stop within that 10m. Because this is often an impossible task, she may have to reverse back out of the intersection and wait for a green light.
When the light turns green, she must do one of two things:
a) stall the engine, or;
b) not notice the change of colours for a period of no less than 5 seconds
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Changing Lanes
It is mandatory that teenage female drivers leave their indicator on for a period of no longer than 20 seconds before changing lanes. This allows time for you to slow down to let them in and leaves 19 seconds for them to make the long, difficult trip from one lane to the next. -
School Zones
Speed signs are to be obeyed as with male teenagers. However, double parking to pick up your younger siblings or chat to a friend is mandatory. -
Drive-thru
N/A. Most girls at this age detest using drive-thru on their own for the fear of being labelled unhealthy or fat by peers.
Men
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Speed Limit
Whenever you come across a speed limit sign, you must add 10km/h to the legal limit to get your limit. The only time this rule should be broken is if a male teenager cuts you off - when such an occurance takes place, you are to immediately speed up to overtake them and cut them off in retaliation. -
Traffic Lights
This is a perfect opportunity to pull up beside an old work buddy and roll down your windows to have a chat. If no old work buddy is present, you may check out female pedestrians or drag any teenage male drivers who for some reason are revving their engine beside you. -
Changing Lanes
Flash indicator once and change lanes hastily. -
School Zones
Avoid at all costs. Nothing is more demoralising than being seen by other males in a “stay at home dad” role in society. -
Drive-Thru
Perfect chance for you to order in bulk and pay using notes of no less than $50 in denomination. This causes the cashier to have to count the change out and make sure the order is correct, leaving the people behind you waiting in frustration. No matter if the order is correct or not upon receiving it, the male driver should always think of something wrong with the food.
Women
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Speed Limit
No matter what the speed limit sign says, it is always variable. For example… when driving on a long stretch of road which has a speed limit of 80km/h, it is acceptable to slow down to as slow as 60km/h or speed up to 100km/h in random periods of time. In any case, you should be doing your makeup. -
Traffic Lights
This is a perfect time to either rear-end someone who stops legally or stop to do your makeup. -
Changing Lanes
This is completely unnecessary. You are allowed to turn onto other roads or take the exits on the highway from any lane you like whilst doing your makeup. -
School Zones
When you know you’ll be travelling in a school zone or picking up your kids, it is recommended you take the family SUV. This allows you to reverse over other people’s children whilst doing your makeup and take up several parking spaces at once. -
Drive-thru
This is the perfect time to do your makeup as well. Fumbling around your handbag do find your purse is also mandatory.
Elderly
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Speed Limit
Speed signs do not apply to you. You’re permitted to do no faster than 40km/h on any road. Headlights in broad daylight are also accepted. -
Traffic Lights
When approaching the intersection when the lights are green, you are to brake unnecessarily before proceeding through after checking for any cars to the left or right who may be coming through against the law. -
Changing Lanes
Completely unncessary. You’re supposed to drive with the dotted lines aligned with the centre of your car. This allows for maximum room for opening your doors and exiting the vehicle. -
School Zones
You park well away from school zones and opt for walking the rest of the way. In doing so, it takes you half an hour to cross at the pedestrian crossing. -
Drive-thru
Perfect chance to stop and reminisce with the cashier about how restaurants were when you were a teenager. Taking 3 turns to get your car lined up properly with the cashier’s window is completely mandatory.