I’ll tell this story in cronological order b/c it’s really unbelievable this person gets paid what she does.
Background: Many moons ago one of the companies I work for decided it would be a good idea to build a client management system using Lotus Notes. So they hired this lady as a consultant who lives south of Rochester near some lake (like 1.5 hrs away from where we’re located in buffalo)
So she builds our lotus application and yadda yadda fast forward to about 7 months ago when we decided it would be a good idea to hire her full time and let her work 3 days a week from home. The other 2 days she’s supposed to be here by 10 am…she usually rolls in around 11:30 and leaves by 4pm. Nice job.
Last Friday: We have a board meeting on Monday. It’s my job to put together the marketing & sales slides for the presentation and present them (budget, efforts, campaign ROI, % of production of each effort, etc…). I send her an email with the reports I need her to run in Lotus and the Marketing Channels I need clients assigned to. She tells me it’ll be done by tuesday.
Tuesday: She comes in around 11 (an hour late) and has done nothing. Needs me to explain to her, again, what I need done. So I do, then she tells me that I need to create the channels myself in lotus b/c she still doesn’t understand. OK, fine, that’ll be better anyway b/c then she won’t fuck it up. So I get working on it…
Thursday: She still hasn’t run the report I wanted on New vs. Returning business. Even after I sent her a fucking template on how I needed it to look and basic formulas she needed to translate into lotus script. This report has nothing to do w/ the channels I was setting up. She’s just a lazy bitch.
Today: It’s now friday and she rolls in around 12:15, sweet. No reports have been run yet, all the channels are done and she still hasn’t done shit. So we sit down and I tell her exactly what clients need to be moved into what channels from their existing “referral” designation…let me describe how easy this should have been.
There are about a dozen or so referrals which we want to duplicate into a channel category, b/c the way she set up the referral sucked and we couldn’t nest different referrals into broader categories for reporting
Example
Client A is marked with the TRIAL Mag referral. This client would then be marked with the TRIAL Mag Channel (TMC for short). TMC is inside the Magazine Channel which is inside the Print Advertisement Channel…Pretty basic shit.
What she had to do: Write a script to look for Referral X and add that client to Channel X, then remove the Referral data from the client. Easy.
There is also a “no referral entered” category (and as a result a “No channel entered” channel) this is b/c some people just can’t remember how they found out about us. That’s ok, it happens. Instead of making a selection for “No Referral Entered” this bitch just made it a catch-all for clients with that field empty (and this is where the trouble started)
Shit goes down: So she creates these scripts to move Clients into channels. What she doesn’t fucking think about is the order to run these scripts in, so she runs the script that takes “none entered” LAST. What happens? Anyone who scored well on logic tests already knows. It took every client we’ve ever had and dumped them into the “none entered” channel b/c the other scripts removed the referral data thus dumping all clients into “no referral entered” category since it’s a catch-all.
This was a 4:45. Then She fucking says “Time to go home” and bounces!!!
Now it’s 7:15 and our outsourced tech dudes are trying to restore yesterdays database backups and then I have to work with them to replace the referral column with yesterdays data and then convert everything all over again. The lady can’t do it b/c it’s her weekend to watch her son or some stupid shit like that.
So now I have to make sure all this shit is working…and pay our tech dudes $75/hr to actually run the report she STILL HASN’T FUCKING DONE on New vs. Returning clients and get everything together by monday morning.
I hope she drowns in whatever lake she lives on.
Back to work…
