My dad sent me on a mission to get a retirement card for a lady at work. It would have to be a little bigger so that a few people could sign.
I go to the Hallmark store.
Picture a big hot red pepper on the front and then inside, “This place won’t be as hot without you!”
Uhm. I actually started laughing so the worker walked over and judged me. Listen bitch, this is a retirement card for somebody that works in an office. She isn’t retiring because she had her 3rd hip replacement and her doctor said she can’t be a prostitute anymore.
Then I went to Party City. They don’t have their cards in any order. Seriously. It was like somebody’s brain pooped and they ended up with a card display. I didn’t have any luck.
So I went to CVS. Nope. Nothing. 2 cards. I go to Wegmans. 4 cards, they all suck. I don’t want to buy a card that says “get out while you have the rest of your body parts!” because I don’t know if she is a pirate with a peg leg or something.
So I go to Target. No retirement cards, but a nice big tri folding “good bye” card. It was kind of cute, unlike the other “good-bye” cards that give you a knee to the stomach and say, “we think you’re a fucking bitch but don’t want to tell you, so here’s your fucking good bye card.” So I buy it. OH the belt is dirty. Dirty belt. The worker goes, “you got a…sticky one tehehehhe” I didn’t know how to take that.
In fact, I just stared at her. I’m sure any normal person would say, “oh I should go get another one,” but I needed a moment for the situation to set in that this Target worker wanted my feel bads. This one time at Budwey’s a lady asked me if I would give her a “carry out” and NOT the type of carry out that involves a heavy bag of dog food. Disgusting. I think I stared at her too.
Finally I said OOPS I’ll go back and get ANOTHER. What a waste of time. And if anything, I’m happy I wasted all your time. It’s kind of like regaining it all back.
