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take good care of your back. Dont try to lift anything (or anyone) heavier than you know you can safely lift. I dont care if the bitch says she weighs 125lbs, if she looks like she swallowed a small child instead of getting pregnant, DONT DO IT! It will only lead to major problems later in life. Trust me on this one. She weighed in at 180 the day she gave birth and 8 weeks later, the cashier at K Mart asked when the baby was due. At that time she tipped the scales (at the truckstop) over 220lbs. Hate is such a stong word that I hate to use it, even in this case. But she deserves it.
Dont let your drinking buddies talk you into doing something that you know you cant. “Hey Guys! I bet you cant do this” is one of the most quoted phrase of 40 year old hillbillys in wheelchairs. It doesnt take much inteligince to realize that the human body doesnt hold up well to repeated engagements with solid objects such as trees, the ground, your sisters father and walls. Do not combine any of the previously mentioned object as well as others not mentioned. “Pain fades, chicks dig scars but glory lasts forever” is yet another quote often heard from the disfigured single guy at the corner of the bar. Ask him to relate a tale of his glory and you will likely be bombarded with tales of his pyshical prowess at cow tipping, ass grabbing and motorcyle (pronounced “sickle”) jumping. Do you really want to end up like this? Dont forget to get him a new straw for his beer when he drops his and cant reach the floor from his wheelchair.
Dont correct the idiot who thinks that his 76 Trans Am with the 700 inch smallblock with dual point electronic ignition and turbo 350 that barks all 4 gears tells you his epic street racing story where he was running close to 200 when he engaged the blower and lifted the wheels off the ground while racing some kid in a hopped up Mustang. He will only hunt around for a dumber audience and knife your tires when he leaves.Just smile and listen like the dumb kid he thinks you are. If you humor him long enough, he will either buy you a beer or someone else will just to keep you from leaving and letting the joker find someone else to annoy. Take one for the team and next time, avoid him. Its your turn to buy some other schlep a beer.
Dont try to outrun the cops. They are there for a reason and anytime you interfere with their obvious mission to slay and consume all the doughnuts in town, you will face the wrath of the law. It has a long arm and even longer radio. It doesnt matter if youure John Force, their going to get you eventualy. These guys take doughnut hunting seriously.if it wasnt for the police defending us from the evils of doughnuts, there would be few women to make our male egos inflate so easily. That and we’d all be fucking sheep. (no jokes here guys). They have a tough job and we should thank them for doing it.
Dont drool over the newest hot body singer/actress/tabloid hoe. Face it, youre not going to get with her and those fantasies youve been having are unhealthy. She aint going to grow a personality by the time shes thirty and her tits and ass are only going to go south with age and gravity. By that time, youre going to be old and going bald. She still wont piss on you if you were on fire.
Stay away from any hot sauce that has the surgeon general warning on the label. It might be good going down, but its hell comming out. On that subject, dont let your date try the hot sauce if you plan to try the “Method” on her later that evening. Nothing ruins good anal penetration like a flaming cinnamon ring.
back to the topic. Some people claim it cleans you out. Well, it DOES clean you out, but not in a good way. It burns holes in your insides and kils off the bacteria that help digest your gas producing food. Not the thing to do if you want a bit of road head on the way home from the track.
Keep your dipstick clean and in the engine, we’re all in this together.
