A Rabbi, a catholic priest, and a baptist minister got together to take a group of kids on a boating trip. The boat springs a leak, and they have to get to the lifeboats.
The Rabbi says “We must save the children!”
The baptist minister says “Fuck the kids!”
The catholic priest says “Do we have time?”
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, “If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you.”
The hippie of course says that he’d love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. “If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,” says the bus driver, “You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you.”
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she’s in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. “I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first,” he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I’m the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, “Ha ha, I’m the bus driver!”
What did one condom say to the other while walking through the gay bar district of town?
Hey, feel like getting shitfaced?
So Mickey finally does the unmentionable. He goes to a divorce lawyer to discuss his situation with Minnie. After going through all the papers, the lawyer turns to Mickey and says, “You can’t divorce your wife because she’s silly, Mickey. That’s just not right. Think of all you’d lose by doing that!”
“I didn’t say she was silly,” Mickey replied. “I said she was fucking Goofy.”
A catholic priest, a pedophile, and a homosexual walk into a bar. He orders a beer.
There are 3 kinds of people in this world: Those who can count and those who can’t.
So Father O’Mally is not feeling well and he asks a younger priest to take over in confessional. He tells the younger priest that the pennence is written right on the back of the door. So teh younger priest feels he is ready and starts listening to confession.
The first sinner sits down and says, “Father forgive me for my sins, I have coveted my neighbors wife” The young priest looks at the sheet and says “That’s two Hail Mary’s and 3 Our Father’s”
Next sinner comes in and says “Forgive me Father for I have sinned, I stole something” again the priest consults the list and says “That will be 3 hail mary’s and 4 our fathers and return teh stolen item.”
Next sinner comes in and says they commited sodomy. The father looks down the list and doesn’t see anything, nervous and frustrated he runs out down the hall looking for help. He sees an altar boy and says, “Quick, what does Father O’malley give for anal sex?” The boy replies “Two cookies and glass of milk, why?”
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party.
The Chief proclaims, “You are the great Lone Ranger, you will be
executed
in three days,
But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests”.
“What is your first request?”
The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger. As the
Chief
watches, the Lone Ranger whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops
away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on
his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s Tent
and spends the night.
The next morning the Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have a very fine
and
loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days”.
“What is your second request?”
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and the Ranger again whispers in the horse’s ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again
returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the
blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Chief is again impressed.
“You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you
tomorrow”.
“What is your last request?”
The Lone Ranger responds,“I’d like to speak to my horse…ALONE.”
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger’s tent.
Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says,
"Listen very carefully, you big jerk, for the last time…
BRING POSSE!!!
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
what you call the hair between your grandmas tits?
her vagina
What did the 2 tampons say to each other when the passed eachother on the street?
Nothing they were both stuck up bitches.
So this kaola bear walks into a brothel and says he wants to eat some pussy, nothing more nothing less. The lady says to go up to room 6 and do what you gotta do. He walks in and says hey baby spread em, I’m gonna eat your pussy. The prostitute still in kind of a shock from a talking kaola bear who wants to eat her pussy desides to let him do it. He eats her out for a good half an hour then gets up and starts to walk out. The prostitute shouts, "Hey buddy!, I dont know what you think your doing but, look up prostitute in the dictionary…I do sexual favors for MONEY! Now pay up!..The bear looks at her and says, “Listen bitch, why dont you look up kaola bear in the dictionary…I’m a small marsupial who eats bushes and leaves”
What do you call a gay midget?
A low blow
So a penguin is driving along and his car rumbles and starts clunking. Being a penguin he doesn’t know what’s wrong so he stops at the first garage he sees.
The mechanic tells him it will be a few minutes before he can look at it, so the penguin looks around and sees an ice cream shop. Since it is hot out the penguin decides to go get some ice cream.
He is sitting there enjoying a nice vanilla cone when he sees the mechnic flagging him over, so he waddles over and the mechanic says, “You blew a seal.” The penguin wipes away the melted icream on his beack and says “No, it’s vanilla ice cream.”
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.” The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”
hehe
Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?
Because the Germans like to march in the shade
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her
students.
The teacher asked, “Harry, what is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade.
My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than
she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”
The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the
principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would
give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any
of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade
and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in
and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry: “9”
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Harry: “36”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher
and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the third-grade.”
The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some
questions?” The principal and Harry both agree.
Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have
only two of?
Harry: “Legs”
Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I
do not have?”
(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a
question!)
Harry: “Pockets”
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants”
Teacher: “What’s starts with a C and ends with a T,
is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?”
(The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could
stop the answer…)
Harry: “Coconut”
Teacher: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out
soft and sticky?”
Harry: “Bubblegum”
Teacher: “What do men do standing up, woman do
sitting down and
dogs do on three legs?” (The principal’s eyes open
really wide and before he could stop the answer. . …)
Harry: “Shake hands”
Teacher: “Now I will ask some ‘Who am I’ sort of
questions, okay?”
Harry: “Yup”
Teacher: “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me
down to get me up. I get wet before you do.”
Harry: “Tent”
Teacher: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me
when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.”
(Principal was looking restless and bit tense)
Harry: “Wedding Ring”
Teacher: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I
drip. When you blow me, you feel good.”
Harry: “Nose”
Teacher: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come
with a quiver.”
Harry: “Arrow”
Teacher: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in
‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?”
Harry: “Fire truck”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, “Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the
last ten questions wrong myself.”
what do 10,000 batered woman have in common?
they dont know when to shut the fuck up.