Jokes Thread

Shift518 Automotive Shift518 Off Topic
21

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was
addressed to “Dad.” With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But
I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am. But it’s not only the passion…Dad she’s pregnant. Stacy
said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has
a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt
anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will
pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She
deserves it. Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that’s in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it’s safe to come home.

:lol

22

you know we have a joke thread right?

…just saying

:rofl @ story

23

Wanted to get some exposure to it before merging it with the Joke thread. I’m still on the edge about keeping the joke thread/making a separate section for jokes/ or just having jokes posted one topic at a time. When a joke gets merged with a joke thread then you have to sort through pages of random comments before getting to the jokes and it’s not that obvious when somebody makes a new Joke post.

24

:lol

…and yeah i think the separate group for jokes would be good seeing that we have the funny pictures thread, jokes thread, motivational/demotivational posters thread…all jokes so i think a jokes group would be a good idea

25

omg thats great :lmao

26

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out”?

Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen’s butt looked edible?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs! And they think Goofy is the stupid one!!!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window.

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

27

There’s another version of this but it’s a bit racist. just fyi

28

that was good. ;D

29

its not like a super long joke but…a few ideas for tattoos could be getting a “M” on each buttcheek so when you bend over it says “MoM” or if you want more of a picture you could get Elmer Fud with shotgun pointing at the anus saying “get outta there you waskwy wabbit” :banana :wierd

30

Thats a good one :crackup

31

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here
and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how
to get it started.” Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be
when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the
box, it’s a tiger.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She
lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not
going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a
tiger.”

He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s
have a nice cup of tea, and then …” He sighed…

“Let’s put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

32

Nice!

33

:crackup wow

34

Since they are short, I’ll throw in a bunch.

A teacher, a lawyer and a priest were playing cards on the ships’s deck when it hit a rock and started sinking, the following was the conversation they had:
Teacher: We are sinking! save the children!
Lawyer: expletive the children!
Priest: Do we have time?

35

What’s a pedophile’s favorite part of a hockey game?
Before the First Period

36

Why do farmer f*ck goats at the edge of a cliff?

So that the goat pushes back.

37

Why can’t you fool an aborted fetus?
Because it wasn’t born yesterday.

38

Two guys are leaving work when one says: “The first thing I’m going to do when I get home is rip my wife’s panties off.”
“You’re that horny?”

“No, the elastic is killing me.”

39

Two guys are out hunting in the woods. As the second man walks over a big log a rattle snake jumps up and bites him right on his ass.

The First man tells him not to move, that if he lays still the venom will take longer to kill him.

The Second man says what are we going to do??

The First man says, there is a town about a mile away, I am going to run there and get a doctor.

The first man arrives at town and find a doctor. He runs into the Doctors office and tells him what happened.

The doctor says I am to busy to make it out there but heres what you have to do:

Make a small X with your knife over the wound, then suck the venom out.

So the first man runs back to the second man.

The second man sees him coming and asks, What did the doctor say?

The first man says, he said your going to die.

40

Is it still considered armed robbery if the person is a parapolegic? (spelling?)