:idiots :lol
The government should lower that ratio, and hope more people like Bubba and Lulu follow suit!
Heres a short one my friend just texted to me
A man says to his wife “tell me something that will make me happy and mad at the same time”. She says “you’ve got the biggest dick out of all you friends”
haha thats good. :nod
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said,
“It’s golf balls”.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.
Man: “What are you doing here today?”
Woman: “Oh, I’m here to donate some blood. They’re going to give me $5 for it.”
Man: “Hmm, that’s interesting. I’m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.”
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.
Man: “Hi there! Here to donate blood again?”
Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) “Ugh unh.”
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich, ‘What’s yours?’
‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke.’
The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same.’
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.
‘No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man.
‘Same,’ says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?
‘Well,’ says the man, ‘several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When i rubbed it, a Genie apeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’
‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. It’s brilliant!’
‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there,’ says the man.
The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the ostrich?’
The man sighs, pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.’
;D
wow, i was like WHY THE FUCK DID HE WANT AN OSTRICH the whole story… :nod
haha^
A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”
The Sergeant replied “Well sir it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”
The captain said “Well if it’s good for moral, then I guess it’s all right with me.” After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, “BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!”
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?”
The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.”
A man and his wife have been married for almost 25 long years. Their 25th wedding anniversary approaches and passes and the husband forgets all about it. A few more weeks pass and the wife is just about to boil over with anger when she snaps on the husband and flips out screaming. She makes a demand to her husband and says “Tomorrow when I wake up there better be something in the driveway that will do 0-200 in 3 seconds or I’m leaving your ass!”
The next morning rolls around and the wife wakes up and goes out to the driveway to see if her husband delivered on her demand. To her surprise she looked and in the middle of the driveway sat a bathroom scale.
Racist joke edit:
:nono
- Vovchandr
Hatin!
boo!
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, ‘Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!’
The passerby says, ‘You are mistaken, I am Mexican.’
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ’ Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !’
The person says, ‘I not American, I Vietnamese.’
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, ‘Thank you for the wonderful America !’
That person puts up his hand and says, ‘I am from Middle East , I am not American!’
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, ‘Are you an American?’
She says , ‘No, I am from Africa !’
Puzzled, he asks her, ‘Where are all the Americans?’
The African lady checks her watch and says…‘Probably at work!’
I did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce. After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship, it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney’s fees and court costs.
On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer’s call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an hour. Crazy, right?
But…Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would’ve paid $7.3 million for an hour of Windrock every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+million).
Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no bitching and complaining or “to do” lists. Best of all, she leaves when you’re done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.
Is it just me, or is it better to rent?
redneck medical terms and there meanings…
Artery--------- The study of paintings.
Bacteria--------- Back door to cafeteria.
Barium-------- What doctors do when patients die.
Benign-------- What you be after you be eight.
Catscan ----------Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize ---------Made eye contact with her.
Cesarean ------Section A neighborhood in Rome.
Colic--------- A sheep dog.
Coma--------- A punctuation mark.
D&C -------------Where Washington is.
Dilate ------------To live long.
Enema -----------Not a friend.
Fester-------------- Quicker than someone else.
Fibula------------- A small lie.
Genital ------------Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series ------------World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail ------------What you hang your coat on.
Impotent------------- Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain------------ Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staf------------f A Doctor’s cane.
Morbid -------------A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates--------------- Cheaper than day rates.
Node ---------------I knew it.
Outpatient---------------- A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear--------------- A fatherhood test.
Pelvis --------------Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative --------------A letter carrier.
Recovery Room -----------------Place to do upholstery.
Rectum --------------------Pretty near killed him.
Secretion --------------Hiding something.
Seizure----------------- Roman emperor.
Tablet------------------ A small table.
Terminal Illness------------------ Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor ----------------More than one.
Urine ------------------Opposite of you’re out.
Varicose ----------------Near by/close by.