Jokes Thread

Shift518 Automotive Shift518 Off Topic
81

There are two guys walking in the woods. As they are walking up the trail the guy in front steps over a log, when all of a sudden a rattle snake jumps up and bites him right in the ass. He screams to his friend to help him, so his friend says, stay right here. Im running into the next town and get a doctor. He runs to the town and finds the only doctor they have. He tells him what happened but the doctor can’t leave to help because he’s about to deliver a baby. So the doctor tells the guy that when he gets back, cut a small X over the bite and suck out the poison.

The friend runs back to find his buddy laying there, writhing in pain. The buddy asks, “what did the doctor say?” the friend says, “he said your going to die”

82

:crackup

83

A man walks into a bar orders a shot of whiskey and a beer. He pulls a fine cigar out of his pocket, lights it up, and begins to blow smoke rings. After a few minutes a Native American sitting at the end of the bar gets up and walks over to the man and says “If you call me that one more time I’m going to kick your ass!”

84

NWS

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, “Wife, we’re going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.”
The wife grimaces, “But I don’t like fishing!”
“Look! We’re going fishing and that’s final.”
“Do I have to go fishing with you… I really don’t want to go!”
“Right I’ll give you three choices… 1 You come fishing with me and the dog… 2 You give me a BLOW JOB… 3 or you take it up the ass!”
The wife grimaces again, “But I don’t want to do any of those things!”
“Wife I’ve given you three options… You’ll HAVE to do one of them! I’m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!”
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, “Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?”
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, “O.K. I’ll give you a blow job!”
“Great!” He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, “Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting… It tastes all shitty!”
“Yes!” says her husband “The dog didn’t want to go fishing either.”

85

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?”

“Good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: “What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”

86

An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill… He thought he’d fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.

Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he’d wait & see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said,
“Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don’t know whether to lay you or Jack off.”

Jill said, “Well, you’d better jack off, because I’m late for my bus.”

87

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had never made love before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and all about making love. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!” The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

88

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.”
The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.”
The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshitting me!”
The social worker said, “Yeah, well . . . you started it.”

89

weak!! you stole this joke from rspeed ;D

90

I’m not on rspeed. lol

I found it on a Z forum

91

right and he didnt quote you. :rofl

92

wow, I didn’t even read the quote. :lol

My mistake

93

A redneck walks into a lawyers office and tells him he wants one of them dayvorces.

“Well, sir, do you have grounds?” asked the lawyer.

“Yep. I have me about 150 acres.”

“No, I mean do you have a case?” asked the lawyer.

“Nope, but I have me a real nice John Deere.”

“Well, does she beat you up?” asked the lawyer.

“Nah, we both get up at 5:30.”

“Well, is she a nagger?” asked the lawyer.

“Nope, she’s a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That’s why I want a dayvorce!”

94

is she single?

95

In a terrible military training exercise gone wrong, a convent was blown up. 17 Nuns were killed.

As they are standing outside the pearly gates, they are all nervous with what is to come next. Soon an angel shows up and explains how they will be allowed to enter heaven.

“You will all have to answer one question, and one question only. If you answer honestly, and agree to make things right you will be accepted into heaven” the Angel says.

The first nun walks up, and the Angel asks “Have you ever come into contact with a penis?”

The nun looks down, and sadly admits that yes… indeed one time she did see a penis. “it’s ok my dear” and angel says “Go wash you’re eyes in the bucket of holy water, and you will be forgiven and accepted into heaven”

So she does, and she is accepted.

The second nun walks up, and the Angel asks “Have you, my dear, ever come into contact with a penis?”

The nun blushes and sighs… yes Angel, i once touched a penis, i am so sorry! "it’s ok my dear, the angel says “Go wash you’re hands in the bucket of holy water, and you will be forgiven and accepted into heaven”

The third nun walks up, and the Angel begins asking “Have you, my dear, ever…”

Before he can finish the question, a nun in the back of the line yells out “Angel please, please please let me wash my mouth out in the holy water before she puts her ass in the bucket.”

96

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, “You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.”

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, “You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.

OH BURN

97

:crackup

98

Little Johnny’s parents were out of town once and so they asked that young female teacher to stay for that time in their house.

Before going to bed Johnny says to her “Oh, please, I’m so afraid to be by myself, please, sleep in my bed.”

She agrees, they go to bed.

In the morning, she wakes up to find a big hairy-chested man in her bed.

She exclaims: “Johnny? Where’s Johnny?!!!”

“Johnny? Who’s Johnny? Is that the little boy selling the tickets?”

99

This one’s for Swifty.

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed
to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that
‘Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.’

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. ‘Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.’

She calmly turned her head and said,
‘In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.’

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat,

‘Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch’

100

A North Charleston couple, Lulu Mae and Bubba Leroy, both Bonafied rednecks, had 9 Children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband fixed. The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why after nine children would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn’t want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.