Jokes Thread

found this on TSL

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,“How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

:deadhorse

Older than the net

yeah +1 GREAT ONE JT http://www.rspeed.org/forums/images/smilies/ugh2.gif

:haha :headbang

Hold
On,
Not
Done
Accelerating

but be careful because

Honda
Owners
Never
Drive
Alone

Some
Asshole
Actually
Bought

:deadhorse

haha owned :crackup

Bring
My
Wallet

HAHAHAHA Bring my Wallet

Is there a point where your IQ is too low to sustain bodily functions?

Wow

:lol race joe :banana

Threads merged.

The Blonde Student

A girl came skipping home FROM elementary school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,”

she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only

count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”

“Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.”

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school.

“Mommy, Mommy,” She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet

today, and all the other kids could only say it to D,

but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!"

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”

“Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.”

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, "we were in gym class today,

and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests,

but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?”

"No, Honey, it’s because you’re 25.

A blonde and her husband working on their kit car at 2 AM listening to the next door neighbor’s dog.

It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out from under the car and says “I’ve had enough of this,” and she goes outside.

The blonde finally comes back to the garage and her husband says “The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?”

The blonde says "I put the dog in our backyard. Let’s see how THEY like it

:crackup

I just told that to a girl at work (who is blonde) and she goes “wait… I don’t get it…”

A ‘Heads Up’ for those of us men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends. Here’s how the scam works.

Two seriously good-looking 20-28 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the tiny spot behind your kit car seats used as a trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowes.

You agree and they get in the passenger seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over the console into the space betweens the front seats with one leg on each side and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also when they were dressed up as Santa’s helpers, November 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday while Christmas shopping, and very likely this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working
in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his
sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to
share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just
an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my
father will die and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three
days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men!

2 gay guys are walking down the street…

They pass a funeral home, and the one says to the other… “Wanna go suck down a cold one?”

United States Department of Labor Statistics

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work on their cars.

You and me. and there you are, sitting there reading jokes.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, “Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”

“The same kind of people that would name a pit bull, Jesus.”