Ladies and Gentlemen,
Allow me to introduced myself. I am a police officer. More importantly to this post, I am a police officer who is sick and damned tired of dealing with certain things on a day to day basis:
- Contrary to what you might think, I am not an idiot. That ring on my finger is a BA from Texas Tech. My GPA was a 3.71 and I was in fact the president of my frat (which means I got a lot of stories that start out "So, this one time, we were fucked up, and…). So, when I make the mistake of mispronouncing your name (the last name with 17 fucking letters, only two of which are vowels), dont give me that look like I just kicked your puppy.
While I may not be an idiot, I am human and I do fuck things up from time to time. When I apologize for pulling you over because I thought your tags were out, just take the sorry and be on about your way. DO NOT get a high and mighty attitude. Our state has over 5000 traffic laws, I can find one to help you get over your tude.
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No, I do not have “real criminals” I should be out looking for. Did you happen to notice the fucking Harley parked behind you with LED’s blinking? Lemme give you a hint - if you see a motorcycle officer, our entire job relates to asshole drivers. Asshole drivers are the ones who make your daily commute dangerous (Or, a complete standstill, once they wreck out). With that in mind, shut up about the other “important” things I “should be doing.” Believe it or not, I tried to get this job. Dont act like you wouldnt like to get paid to ride a Harley for 8 hours a day. But, the main benefit of this job, is I dont have “Real criminals” to fuck with. No shagging calls, dealing with domestics, and so on. My worst days are telling someone they lost a loved one in a wreck I just worked. Which, brings me to my next point:
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If I was a dick from the beginning of the stop, I apologize. I mean that with all sincerity. I am human. If I’ve dealt with 10 assholes before I stopped you or maybe delivered a death notification, I may have done the wrong thing and assumed you were gonna be one too. Believe it or not, after my shift on the way home, I’ll probably reflect on my day and feel a bit shitty if our interaction stands out because I was a jerk. Yours wouldnt be the first citation I’ve “lost” because I thought I was being an overbearing prick at the time I wrote it. We all have our bad days.
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No good deed goes unpunished. I know that. But, if I give you a warning - DO NOT assume I pulled you over for a bullshit reason and then lost my nerve. Just because I didnt write you for 7 over the limit, doesnt mean I was profiling and you should set up a meeting with my Chief and your NAACP rep. You complaining that “He stopped me for nothin, oterwise he’d have given me a ticket,” is bullshit and, frankly, is the reason most of us have stopped giving warnings.
Profiling is BULLSHIT, by the way. You’re hauling ass past me at 70+ mph. I have to see your speed, if you have a front license plate, registration sticker, inspection sticker and if you’re wearing a seatbelt in the split second you pass me. I couldnt give two shits if your black white or green.
- No, you may not see my RADAR gun. For a few reasons. First, I dont have to show it to you. You bestfriend’s roommate’s boyfriend who talked to a cop once is fucking wrong. I dont have to show it to you, I dont care what you heard. Second, I dont want to show it to you, because I dont want you out of your car. Why? You may not know that you’re not gonna attack me, but I dont know that. If you’re seated, you’re less of a threat and I like feeling as comfy as I can. Also, I dont have a RADAR anymore. I have LIDAR. If you’re gonna act like a lawyer on the side of the road, get your shit squared away first and know what you’re talking about. Finally, you cant see the LIDAR for your own safety. You feel that way your car rocks every time an 18 wheeler flys by? I’d rather not get sued becuase your stupid ass fell into traffic and got killed on my stop.
While I’m on my good pal LIDAR, it has some neat features. It’s a laser beamed device, so - no, I couldnt have gotten the guy next to you. It’s got a scope on it, and the scope’s dot was aimed directly at your car’s grill. Also, it tells me the distance in feet that i clocked you at. So, dont tell me, I couldnt have gotten you from that far, because I can. Its accurate to 2500 feet (half a mile or so), and I can clock you, get two swigs of coffee and eat three donut holes by the time you get close enough to see my motorcycle on the shoulder.
- Arguements take place in court, not on the side of the road. No exceptions. And, yes, I will show up to court. Even on my day off. I get paid (by you, thanks for reminding me) OT to show up to court, and I’m trying to con my wife into letting me buy a new boat, so I need that money. Now, once we get to court, follow a few easy rules:
Dont lie. My bike has a video camera on it, and that box on my belt is a mic. The camera is hooked into my fixed 4 way RADAR, so it shows your speed (if I didnt clock you with a LIDAR unit, that is). Oh, and judges dont like all those cuss words you used out at the scene…
Dont yell at me outside the court room. This is not a personal matter to me, even if it is for you. After this, Im going home and watching my Texas Rangers fuck up another promising season. You will be the furthest thing from my mind.
Guys and gals, we are the same as you. We’ve got a home life that might suck, bills to pay, college loans, the damned team that never wins (Tech losing in the first fuckin round! Damn you Bobby Knight), and so on. We have feelings, personalities, and dreams just like you. When Im at your window, look at my face. You met a hundred guys like me in college, and loved em. I was that guy a few years ago, and not much has changed. Im still a nice guy, treat me like one and you might just get a warning.