ok, im not looking for synpathy at all, but i just need to go off for a minute cuz im freaking out.
ok, start off with Sunday: i get in a huge argument with my mom about her suddenly changing her mind about giving me the money to buy gsx’s mustang. so now i have to go look like an ass because i was so sure i was gonna get it (so so it was implied to me previously) and had to back out. pissed me off, not a HUGE deal though. on monday, my grandfather (who has been sick for a while) goes into the hospital and is probably going to die. he had the same ‘illness’ this time last year, and if things happened by the medical textbooks, he should not have survived that, but he’s still with us but this time for sure he’s getting ready to check out for good. thats the main thing bothering me. i had this whole big thing with my gf/ex gf (thats a whole mess in and of itself) that went on monday that had me pissed at first, then i was kidna like ‘this is stupid i dont care anymore fuck her’ but now im starting to feel bad about that and i have to see her again tomorrow and im not sure if im jsut gonna not talk to her or if im gonna apologize or what im gonna do. so at 12:30 last night, sone1 from my work calls me and asks me if i can fork for them today (tuesday) morning. since im so despirate for money, i agree. so all thigns sonsidered, i got 3 hours of sleep alst night, walked to work, stayed there by myself for 6 hours then when someone else came in i walked back home. shortly after i get home, i get a call from the guy rebuilding my engine, and he informes me that my engine is FUCKED FUCKED FUCKED up really bad and basically its gonna be impossible for rebuild it the way it is. so i have to frantically find a junkyard motor for it and figure out how im even gonnaget that and then i have to figure out how im gonna get my engine back and pay the guy for the work he’s done. then, i saw my grandfather today and he’s absolutely a mess. i dont need to go into detail about anything, but my mom and everyone else is almost certain he won’t make it though the night. thats really really bothering me. i fell so awful about it and im getting all worked up over it. i tried to chill tonight with some friends, as we went to the race track and then out for dinner and then hung out for a while, but the whole time, i was waiting for my phone to rig with some news and i just couldnt have a good time. so now i’ve been up for 18 hours running on about 3 hours of sleep, and i cant go back to sleep cuz i have this horrible feeling inside and i keep waiting for the phone to ring. i’ve never been though something like this (having some1 die like this) and even though i know its coming eventually, im just feeling horrible about it and stressing out about it. i swear to god i dunno how im gonna keep getting though the days like this (should this be prolonged anymore). i would never want to wish anything abd on anyone, especailly a family memeber (well, my dad’s side of the family is a differnt story lol) but i hate to see anyone like this in so much pain and suffering and knowing what is going to happen. i just kinda want it to be over for everyone’s sake because i know its stressing a lot of other people out too. so yeah, doesnt look like im gonna be sleeping much tonight. so add all that up with my usual crap i have to put up with at work and trying to get a better job, school, worrying about how im gonna get places to get stuff done because i dont have a car, worrying about whats going on with my truck, and some other personal shit that needs not to be discussed here, and im just a mess right now. ok, that feels a littl better now. well, not really, actually.
