(608): Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
(608): Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you’re making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Haha…i’m dying. Some of these are good. Most of them are Meh.
Witnessed this one at a bar…
(716): Dude, that chick you where banging last week just told me she has had the HIV for like three years…
(1-716): WTF, that bitch told me she was clean.
(716): Don’t worry. I just saved a bunch on money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO. Haha.
(1-716): Fuck U.
(310): he wants to bone in the snuggie
i got this last night. its too good not to share
(716): i cant get pregnant, i already am, so technically, you dont even gotta pull out
(971): I have two black x marks on my hands.
(503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly ‘I can see your soul from here’
(971): damnit I wish I could remember that.
HAHAHAHAHA.
(773): is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they’re getting laid at a bar?
(773): it’s more of a rinse.
(602): 69 |D_O
(1-602): wtf does that mean??
(602): it’s a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
:lol:
(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
(508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
rofffffffffs
(678): yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that’ll show her.
(407): you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
(1-407): probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they’ll never admit its mine
lol
(907): I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
yup
OMGLOL
(337): I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
mcdonalds breakfast is gross
(909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
(715): went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i’ve never seen before passed out in my shower.
(952): Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
(541): its time to go be “that drunk guy nobody knows”…again.
lol.
(404): i hope kanye doesn’t show up to patrick swayze’s funeral. " i’ll let you get back to your funeral in a minute…but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
lol
EDIT; more gold
(203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I’m sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
(843): the red head has a bf
(1-843): just because there’s a goalie doesn’t mean u can’t score
internet Meme repost
(843): the red head has a bf
(1-843): just because there’s a goalie doesn’t mean u can’t score
Repost
well shit. shows how much i read this thread.